Stalemate // The Queens Gambit //Benny Watts x OC

Twenty: Funeral

Ten days later, September 1st 1968, 2:12 pm.

This was the day. The funeral. The time to make peace with everything before it was buried six feet in the ground. The service had been quiet, sweet, and absolutely unbearable. I was so restless, I didn't know how to feel, I wasn't used to showing emotion around so many people so it was just miserable, I hadn't even cried yet. But it's time for the burial now and it's only a hundred times worse.

Macy is by my side, squeezing my hand and wiping her eyes, trying to cry quietly. I shift uncomfortably on my feet, trying to pay attention to what the pastor is saying but right now it's almost impossible. I keep looking around, memorizing all the faces here. Sniffles and sobs penetrated the silence after the pastor finished talking.

"Would anyone like to come up and speak before we lower the casket?" The pastor asked, looking around, then straight at me. I hadn't planed on speaking and I wasn't about to go back on that. I didn't know what to say. What I could say. a few people had spoken in the church, Macy, grandma and grandpa, Father, but this was the big speech, and there was no one left who knew my mother well enough to give it, besides me of coure, so I didn't expect anyone to come up. The crowd was mostly filled with distant family, old friends, coworkers, and some ex boyfriends who left off on good terms. She was loved, alright. But it wasn't the same. She was loved widely, not deeply. Not as deeply as her daughter loved her.

I look to the ground and consider going to speak, but I just cant make my feet move. Luckily, I dont have to. As the pastor gestures for them to lower the casket, someone calls from the crowd, pushing through and standing in front of the hole in the ground. The pastor steps away and gestures again for them to stop the casket. Leo clears his throat and glances at everyone in turn.

"I only knew Cynthia for two months, but in that short time, I fell in love with her. That may sound a bit.. silly, but I know it is true. I had never felt this before in my life, the pure joy. Adoration. It was heaven,"

"Everything about Cynthia seemed to just.. blind you with how brilliant and intense she was. Her passion, her laugh, her happiness, her sorrow," he then looked to me, the saddest smile I think i'd ever seen spread across his face, "her love. Especially for her daughter. I enjoyed every second I got to bask in that brilliance,"

"I know Cynthia didn't have the ideal life, and maybe that affected her, but in my eyes it was something that complimented her personality. It helped to mold and sculpt her. And I am grateful for that, because in the time I got to love Cynthia Carlisle, I got to love every part of her, even the rusted ones. That time has been a highlight in my life and I will never ever forget,"

"Cynthia, we all hope your somewhere that's just as bright and light as you, and that you are finally happy and at peace. We love you. Rest now, my dear." He turned to the casket, stared for a moment, then kissed the yellow rose in his hand and placed it on top of the coffin, joining the crowd again.

When he finished, I felt a few tears trickle down my cheeks and Macy wrap an arm around me. I watched, almost in a trance, as they lowered my mother into the ground where she could stay forever. I couldn't look as it disappeared into the hole so I turned away and closed my eyes, trying to push the sobs down. After it was done, everyone took a turn sprinkling some dirt on the coffin and once I had done it, I rushed to Macy's car and waited.

Once they were all done, Macy and Jamie got back in the car and we drove in silence to my great aunt's house in the suburbs. It was a bit of a drive but she's the closest relative I have with a house. Besides my father, but I couldn't have asked him.

After almost an hour, we got to the street and pulled into the driveway. A few people had to park on the road because the driveway could only fit four cars, but there weren't too many people so it worked. We walked inside and I collapsed into the sofa, completely defeated. People started pouring in and my great aunt put on some soft somber music as clusters of people started to form around the room. Macy doted on me for a while, then went to get us some drinks. Jonathan, Julia and Chris sat next to me and Jonathan took my hand lovingly.

"Adelaide, we're so sorry about your mother. She was a great woman and we'll all miss her." Julia said softly and I smiled.

"Thank you. I'm sure she would be happy you came, and so am I."

"Of course, Addy. If there's anything we can do just let us know, you name it." Chris said, smiling in that gentle way he always did when someone needed it.

"Thanks guys, I appreciate it." My smile fell a little and Jonathan squeezed my hand. I rested my head on his shoulder and we all stayed like that for a while. "I guess Macy got distracted. Do you guys think you could find her for me?" I asked quietly and they all agreed, going to look around for her. I loved and appreciated my friends, but I really just wanted a little time alone so I could think.

Everything felt different, even though it wasn't really. I lost someone who meant the world to me, someone I've known since before birth, someone who is now going to leave a hole in my life. But everything else is the same. The air still feels the same when it whips through my hair, the smell of cigarettes is still the same when I let smoke float from my mouth, the love from my friends is still real and strong and sweet. But it seemed my perception of these things was warped, to always see her there-or the fact that she wasn't and never would be again. The wind isn't my mother's fingers, combing through my hair while I fall asleep, the smell of smoke isn't coming from her while we sit on the front patio in the spring, my friends' love is nothing compared to hers, and nothing without it. My life felt like a photograph that had gotten ripped in half. Everything felt incomplete, jagged, vulnerable. It would never be the same.

When they came back with Macy she handed me some coffee and I took a sip. As I stood I noticed almost everyone in the room look over, and their faces were so full of pity it made me want to throw up.

"Hey Mace, do you think I could borrow some money for a cab? I didn't bring cash.." I had to get out of there.

"Of course, but if you want I can just take you home."

"No, it's alright, you stay."

"Okay, if you say so." She took out some cash and handed it to me, then gave me a bone crushing hug. I called the cab and Macy, Chris, Jonathan and Julia went outside to wait with me. Once the cab arrived, I hugged everyone and got in, telling the driver where to go.

"Uh.. thats not an address anymore. I could take you were it use to be, though." He said with a thick Boston accent

"Oh-okay yes thats fine, thank you."

He started the car and drove off my aunt's street, passing all the parked cars of my mother's friends and family. "You from around here then?" He asked

"No, my mother is though." My mother was.

"Where ya livin' now?"

"About an hour from here in New York City."

"Ah. Visiting family or somethin'?"

"You could say that." He didn't respond and we drove for a while. I rested my head against the window and stared out at the sky, the sun threatening to touch the horizon. It took almost twenty more minutes but we finally got to our destination and I paid the driver and got out. I didn't know how long I would be or how I was going to get back, I really needed to get a car of my own, but I didn't care. I had no plans to go home anytime soon.

***