Stalemate // The Queens Gambit //Benny Watts x OC

Thirty eight: Heartbreak

October 4th, 1968, 12:57 pm

I walked down the carpeted halls of the large building, trying to find my way to the main hall before they started.

Benny was playing his second game today, having won the last one, and I didn't want to miss it since I couldn't make it to the first on account of my plans with Beth. She played on the third and, of course, won. She was mostly competing in this Open for fun, and to keep her chess activity up since she's on a short hiatus from the big leagues.

I finally found the main hall and got a seat in the second row, unfortunately behind a woman with a rather obnoxious hat, but I was able to see mostly everything. Benny and his opponent had just sat down and Benny started the clock with a soft tck, and it began.

Benny played strong and confidently, not even hesitating when his opponent, Neil Galanis, got his queen cornered. It seemed every move was part of an elaborate plan that was taking course exactly as he wanted. It was different watching him play, rather than being right across the board. I got to study him more because I didn't have to worry about my own playing. To say the least, I understand what Cleo meant by being entranced by him now.

The game went on for another thirty minutes, until Galanis finally admitted defeat. It wasn't even a checkmate, he just forfeited. I would have done the same, by then the outcome was obvious, but it was strange Benny hadn't taken the chance of a mate in four that he could've ten minutes ago.

I stood from my seat and clapped along with everyone else. Benny and Galanis shook, then walked off the platform in opposite directions. I went out to the lobby to wait for Benny, but as I was, someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see a short woman with dark hair and round glasses. A camera around her neck and notepad in hand.

"Excuse me, are you by any chance Adelaide Carlisle?" She asked with wide eyes.

My blood went cold and I gulped. Someone had recognized me finally. "Um.. yes, I am. Why, may I ask?" I knew the answer, but I prayed it was something different.

"Oh wow, this is amazing. Could I possibly get your picture? Chess Review has been wanting to get another interview with you for years, oh my goodness, Adelaide Carlisle in the flesh." She said a little too quickly and a little too loudly. Two other reporters form nearby heard her excitement and rushed over.

"Adelaide Carlisle? You mean the girl who had the psychotic break after losing a chess game??" The male reporter asked the short woman. I tried to back away but someone was behind me.

"Is it really you?? Hey, I have some questions for you, could I get an interview sometime??" The man I had bumped into asked.

They kept asking questions, taking pictures, completely crowding me. It felt like the circle of invading people was only growing, or maybe I was just getting smaller, I couldn't tell, but I couldn't breath.

I tried to tell them to leave, that I didn't want to talk, to not take my picture, but it seemed they couldn't hear me over their own voices. I looked for an opening and shoved as hard as I could, but they wouldn't part. It was like a pack of wild animals surrounding their next meal. I scrunched my eyes shut and tried to breath, getting a few ragged breaths out, but it wasn't stopping them.

Suddenly I felt a hand grab onto my wrist and yank me to the side, freeing me from the cage of reporters. The hand continued to firmly grip my wrist, now leading me away. I dared to open my eyes and the hand in question turned out to be Benny's. I sighed in relief but then started panicking all over again. This isn't how I wanted it to happen. I was going to find a quiet private place to talk, I was going to plan out the conversation. But he'd found me out. I guess we had to talk now wether I liked it or not.

He dragged me into an empty room with a long table and a few chairs, slamming the door and turning to me, looking pissed. Guess he was still upset.

"Hey.. congratulations." I said sheepishly. Then immediately realized how stupid it was.

"Congratulations? Seriously? What are you doing here, Adelaide?" He demanded. Yep, definitely still upset.

"I.. I don't completely know..?" I paused, trying to gather my thoughts, not wanting to look him in the eye. "I just- wanted to apologize. To make things better.."

"So you followed me to Kentucky?"

"I know, I know it's crazy. I just needed to fix this and I thought if I did something crazy, maybe you'd see how sorry I am."

He stared at me for a minute and then sighed, taking his hat off and raking his fingers through his hair. I was making him frustrated. Great.

"Well get on with it then." He said, sitting on the table and crossing his arms

"What?"

"The apology. Let's hear it."

"Right, um.." I cleared my throat and took a breath. "I know I shouldn't have said what I did, it wasn't true. Any of it. And it wasn't fair to lie to either of us like that. I've always lived my life like this, afraid of anything that could cause me unnecessary pain. But I realize that's just life and if I live like that I'm going to miss out on some things that could make me really happy. I don't want that. So I'm going to try to stop being to careful, and I hope you'll forgive me because I am so sorry and I would hate to lose a great friend over something I regret so much."

The room went quiet. I wished I could rephrase everything I just said but it was out now. The only thing to do was wait for his reaction, and deal with the consequences.

"..yeah okay.." he sighed. I waited for him to say more, but he remained silent.

"Okay?"

"I forgive you. But I need you to promise you're not going to keep yanking me around like you have been. You're so hot and cold it's driving me crazy. I need you to tell me, right now. How do you feel about me?"

The question barely registered, my mind went blank. I was ready for this, I knew what I felt and what I was going to say. I was fully prepared, and excited even, to tell him that yes I felt the same, yes everyone was right, yes.

But I just stood there. Choking on my own words, trying to force them out. I stared. He stared back. Then his eyes darkened and he stepped around me to the door.

"Benny wait, please," I called. He stopped, his hand on the knob, his back to me. "I'm sorry, I'm trying. It's just hard, I don't-"

"Yeah, well it seems like you're still just trying to push me away." His voice dripping with venom, catching me off guard. "I'll see you back in New York." He said, quieter this time, more defeated. He left, and I kept standing there like a complete idiot.

what the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do anything? He was right. I won't stop until I push everyone away from me.

But something that confused me, I wasn't afraid in that moment. I don't think I couldn't say it because I was scared of the consequences, as always, I felt more nervous. Like some schoolgirl trying to talk to her crush. I couldn't physically get out the words because I didn't know how to say them. At least not without being sick. How pathetic.

I walked back to the hotel in a foggy daze, trying to figure out what just happened. Benny forgave me, but then it seemed like he still hated me. Maybe he needs time to really forgive me? or maybe he just felt rejected, played with, heartbroken.. I hated myself for doing that. But if he really did forgive me, or wanted to at least, I can still fix this. I had to.

***

I had to rewrite this three times and I still hate it so let's just ignore this chapter and move on, k? Cool. :)