Flower

21

8 months later

I want to die.

I've tried everything to get away but everytime I end up in this room.

The basement.

I don't know where they took me. I don't even know anyone's faces except for that man and the driver.

After a month I tried to die.

I really did.

But I was unsuccessful.

It only resulted in me being moved to a room which was padded.

It's small and suffocating.

Every now and then they cover my eyes and drive me elsewhere.

But it's always to do the same thing.

For men to fuck me to relieve themselves.

Sometimes they keep my blindfold on.

But sometimes they take it off and make me look them in the eye.

The rooms are always the same.

It's always a room with a tiny window.

Someone would always stay outside the door and no one would come in or out until were done.

Before all this...

I thought I had already experienced hell.

But now I know what real hell is like.

All the disgusting men, all the beatings...

And...

The doctors.

They inserted something in me so I didn't get pregnant.

It worked, I didn't.

I don't care if I can't have kids for the rest of my life.

I don't want kids.

Having a kid in this god awful world is the worst punishment I can give them.

So I'd rather not.

Heaven...

I probably wouldn't go there if I died would I?

Gues I just belong in hell even in death...

I'd like to think I experienced heaven at least once.

With mom, I'd like to think the small moments we shared were heaven.

And Lizzie... She was the only good thing I had apart from mom. She cared and she loved. She was warm and kind hearted.

So...

When I feel like garbage I close my eyes and imagine.

Imagine a world where me and Lizzie are happy.

Where I wasn't here and was still in her house.

Where I hugged her in her bed and slept.

Where I felt the most peace I had in my life.

Sometimes I wonder how she's doing.

Maybe she forgot about me... Which, If I think about it... It's for the best.

Being connected to me wasn't and isn't the best for her.

I hope she forgets about me...

I hope she finds her daughter and lives a happy life.

I hope...

●

I was thrown into the back of what I'm guessing is the van.