Run To Me

Ashes

Molly woke up the following morning, and instantly, the world fell in on her. She lay in bed and felt a weight of sorrow like she'd never known. James was gone. 

Dragging herself out of bed, she wandered through to the kitchen.  A figure sat at the table, reading emails and making notes.

"Tom?" She rubbed her face with her hands and leaned on the doorpost. He turned and smiled gently, standing to greet her.

"Morning kitten. Did you sleep? Your sofa is very comfortable you know." He hugged her softly, guiding her to the table and sitting her down.  He sat next to her, her knees slotted between his, her hands in his.

"I don't remember coming home, Tom. I dont remember anything except..." she started to cry again, and he pulled her into his arms. Holding her tightly, he stroked her hair as she cried into his chest.

"It's ok , let it all out, sweetheart," he soothed, "you just have a good cry and let it all out." He rocked her back and forth gently, his large hands holding her safe. 

"He's dead Tom, he's really dead. I have no one now." She looked up, and it tore him to shreds to hear her say that. Tore him apart that she felt so alone. He opened his mouth to speak but she put a finger to his lips "I think I only have you?" She looked at him, her eyes swimming, her heart breaking. 

"Yes, yes, you do, darling. You have me.  " he nodded and, with a soft smile added "you always will have me.  I promised James I would look after you." She bit her lip, stemming another flood. "And I always keep my promises."

"Thank you." She whispered. "Thank you so very much." She pulled free of his grasp and stood up. "Could you, I mean if you're not too busy, would you help me today? There's all sorts of things to organise. I - I can't do it alone.  I need you, Tom."

Tom stood up and took her hand. "I would be honoured to be with you, to support you, help you, comfort you.  I will gladly do as much ,or as little, as you would like. I am yours, little kitten." He kissed her cheek and smiled , "Now you get dressed, and I'll make you some breakfast, ok?" He gently shoved her back out the door. 

"Im really not hungry." She said quietly,"Maybe just some tea, please?" She looked so small and vulnerable he just wanted to pick her up and carry her away to somewhere she could never be sad again.

"Ok, just this once, but you must eat.  James would be angry with you, you do know that, dont you?" He put his head to one side and raised an eyebrow.

She smiled for the first time, nodding. " Yes, I can hear him now!" She looked at Tom, and suddenly she rushed across the kitchen and threw herself into his arms. "Oh Tom, what am I going to do?" He wrapped his arms around her,

"Darling, you're going to survive. You're going to get through this because James was the best big brother in the world. He taught you strength and honesty and self-reliance and above all? He taught you that life is for living, no matter how dark it may seem." He put her at arms length and looked at her, his own eyes full of emotion.  "James wouldn't want you to be sad. He'd want you to be his lasting legacy."

Suddenly, Molly stopped dead. "Oh my GOD, Tom! What about Helen!!! Oh Jesus Tom, we have to tell Helen.  She was at work. She doesnt know. "Logic deserted her as she started to panic, her breathing becoming shallow and irregular.  Tom could see what was about to happen and took her hands, guiding her to a seat.

"Molly. Look at me . It's ok.  Molly. Breathe love, breathe." He stared into her eyes and tried to calm her. " Look at me. 1...2...1...2..." After a moment or two, Molly started to breathe more easily.

"But Tom. She won't know, shell wonder..."

"Shhhh, kitten. It's ok. Helen is with her parents. Bill told her yesterday after we left. She arrived at the hospital moments after...." he realised what he was about to say and stopped.  They looked at each other. 

"Does, does she hate me?" The little voice tore his soul.

"Hate you? Why ever would she hate you?"

"Because I was there. Because she wasn't, and I hadn't called her?"

"Darling, it's ok.  She was worried about you. She knows how close you two were. She made me promise to tell you she would be ok at her mums, but you could call her at any time.  I think she's arranging things today.  Maybe you could call her after breakfast? See if she wants you to do anything. "

He could see she was calmer. Giving her someone else to worry about was the perfect therapy.  Molly nodded.

"Ok,  let me get changed. Back in a mo." She turned and walked away. Before she disappeared into the bedroom, she stopped and turned. "Thanks, Tom." She said simply and smiled weakly. Then she went into the bedroom and closed the door.

As Tom walked across to put the kettle on for her tea, his heart broke as he heard her crying alone in her room.  "Oh little kitten," he murmured softly. "Oh my poor little kitten." His own face awash with tears.

Half an hour later, Molly put her phone down with a huge sigh.  That, bar none, had been the worst conversation of her life.  The two women had cried, laughed a little, talked a lot, and cried some more.

Helen had said she would be arranging the funeral in the next day or two, and she would very much like Molly to help her.  And Tom, if he could spare the time.  Molly had instantly agreed, and Tom had nodded silent consent. Once the funeral was sorted, all that remained were James's things. Now, she wanted to ask Molly the biggest favour of all.

"Would you help me go through his stuff, Molly? I can't face it alone."

"Of course I will," she said softly. 

"Thanks.  I need to go now, but I'll call you tomorrow if that's ok?" Helen ended the call. "Im so sorry, Molly. So very sorry for your loss.  I know you meant the world to each other.  You still mean the world to me." There was the briefest of pauses, and Molly was sure Helen was crying, then the line went dead.

Molly put the phone down silently and walked over to where Tom sat on the sofa, carefully watching her.  "Can, can I sit down with you?" She asked, as quietly as a mouse.

"Darling, this is your house!"  He exclaimed." You dont need to ask. But yes, yes, of course you can." He held his arms open, waiting for her to sit next to him.  He was astonished when she didn't sit there. Instead, she climbed onto his lap and cuddled around his waist, burying her face in his shoulder.

"Oh my!" Tom exclaimed softly. "Thank you, love." He said as he cocooned her in his arms. "Thank you for seeing me as your safe space." He buried his face in her hair, just inhaling her scent. She relaxed and looked at him.

"Tom, I know this is going to sound so very wrong, but I just need it right now. I need to feel alive. " she paused and he tipped her chin up

"Whatever it is darling please just tell me.  There's nothing you can say that will shock or annoy me. I promise."

She looked at him and said , "take me to bed Tom. Take me and just hold me? Nothing else.  I just need to be held, I need to feel you, feel your body, your arms. I need to feel alive."

"Oh my darling girl, is that all? That's not so terrible at all. That's just being a warm human being.  A soul that needs affection. Come with me little one.  Let me give you that which you crave."

Gently he lifted her and carried her through to the bedroom. He laid her down and still fully clothed, lay beside her. Cuddling her in close he held her tight and felt her sigh as she relaxed. He could feel her crying again but said nothing, just continued to hold her.  Eventually she stopped and her breathing became soft and regular.  He realised she'd fallen asleep.

"Sleep tight little one," he whispered, "I'll watch over you.  You're safe and you're loved. " he paused and to his astonishment, he realised that not only did he mean the kind of love that families have, given how Helen and even Bill regarded her, but also true, romantic love.

Yes, in the most tragic of circumstances, he realised that in the face of his own cynicism, love at first - or maybe third by now - sight did exist.  That, he knew, was a secret for another day, a long way hence.

As he too drifted off, this time lying with his love in his arms , he remembered his promise to James and smiled.  One promise he was determined to fulfil.