Felix Fractured

26 : Claudia

FELIX

I hold her for several minutes while she collects herself. Her mind is just as chaotic with thoughts as mine, but I don't peek. This is something she has to tell me. I won't take it from her.

One thing's for sure: it's Claudia. Alexia and I are under a lot of stress combined with a multitude of other things, and Claudia has this way of weaseling her way in and complicating things. Of course I haven't seen her in years, but I remember it well.

"It's not you." Alexia sniffles, clutching her hand.

The jewel glistens and I nod towards her. I figured as much. There's no pressure on that front, anyways. As long as she needs, she can have it.

I turn towards her just as she does the same. She blushes and I bite back a crude comment. "What memory did you see?"

A little humor sparkles in her teary eyes. "What one did I not see?"

"Mmmm," I hum, brushing a lock of hair out of her face.

"Well, I saw one a few nights ago of you as a kid playing baseball." I nod. That's an old one. "And tonight I saw one from high school. All of your friends were there and this girl with purple hair. Er... purple highlights?"

"She was just a friend to me." I admit honestly.

"I know!" She dismisses casually. "Still mildly jealous, but I know. You didn't even know me then."

My cheek smushes against the pillow as I turn towards her more. This is going to sound cheesy but I'll say it anyway. "I spent most of my time then wondering about you... Who you were, what you were like..."

"Yeah..." She glances away before meeting my gaze again. "I wondered some too."

"What's wrong, Lexi?" There's definitely something weighing on her.

"I-Did you mean what you said? About never wanting kids?" Her gaze darts away from me and back like she's watching a tennis match and I'm the racket.

I sigh, sitting up and rubbing my eyes. I knew this one would come eventually. "I'm not sure if I care, Alexia."

"You... don't care?" She's puzzled but her eyes are getting stormy.

"No, what I mean is..." I trail off before looking back at her again. "If it's you, I don't think I'd care. You're the only one I'd consider it with."

She lets out a trapped breath and I clasp her hand to my face. I hope my concern is showing enough through the mask. "I can't guarantee I'd be good at any of it though."

She laughs, touching my face. "I'm pretty sure it's just a learning experience as you go."

I do a weird half-nod. She tugs at a curl and I gulp, take a breath, and jump the gun. "What did Claudia tell you?"

She bites her lip, but doesn't break the stare. We should've talked about this yesterday, but it was delicate. I didn't want to push her. She needed time with it, but it's clearly still irking her–digging in her veins; making her uncomfortable all the time.

"She told me you didn't want kids." Her glances dodge me fifty times again. I rub circles on her hand. "And I've always wanted a family, so... an-and I had that memory of you?"

"It's whatever you want, love." Though just the idea does stress me out, especially with the way things are right now. I just hope she knows that her happiness and our commitment to each other matter more than anything else to me.

She's calmed quite a bit, but there's still something scratching at the surface, I can tell. "What else did she say?"

She's pretty serious, but I notice a glimmer of excitement, no fear in her eyes. She doesn't speak.

"Lex... Alexia." It's her turn to gulp.

I don't like pressuring her like this, but I can't help her if she doesn't tell me. If I have to assume, it's a bitter, treacherous lie.

"She said I'd never be good enough for you."

I bolt up, but she catches my arm. "How fucking DARE she say that!"

"Felix-"

"No it's-" She squeezes my arm, but I shake her off and pull her in close instead. "Alexia..." I take a deep breath, attempting to calm down. Claudia has no right to have an opinion on how we feel.

"But it's... one of my biggest insecurities. I am going to be constantly compared against others and I understand that, but it'll take time to get used to that. And I know this mate bond, but maybe it's imposter syndrome I don't..." She sniffles and I hug her tighter.

"I get what you're saying." I whisper. "It's a huge adjustment and you're taking it in stride." I rub her back gently for a few minutes. As an after thought, I add: "Screw the mate bond, honestly. I've never met anyone I'm able to connect with as well as you, forget compatibility."

"Alexia," I pull back just enough to see her deep blue eyes. "Please talk to me if you ever feel this way again. I-" I feel a tear roll down my cheek, so I sniffle, trying to keep it together. "I love you more than I love myself."

She wipes the tear but keeps her hand on my face, even after I lay back down next to her. Her expression is teary as she reads my unfiltered one.

*****
ALEXIA

Moments like this captivate me completely. He's sharing his deepest emotions with me, unfiltered. It's almost overwhelming, but a takeover I actually want. I crave, even, moments like this.

My concerns and all that's been pressuring me for days have dissipated. He loves me just as much, if not more, than I love him, and he's willing to do what it takes.

"I can't begin to imagine what you've been through, Lex." The rumble of his voice against my body calms me almost as much as his words do. "But I do know what it's like to feel like you have to do everything yourself. I know you were adamant on seeing Claudia, but just know you never have to go alone. It doesn't have to be me, but Scout and my family–they're all willing to help you too.

"Either way, my anger with you seeing her had nothing to do with you. I just know what she's capable of because I've lived it. I also know of her past. She's not just crazy, there's a whole malicious side to that part of my family. It just–it makes my blood boil."

I nod, listening to his words while playing with his thick hair.

"I've had to watch a lot of people die, Lex. I'm not sure how much it messed me up, but it definitely traumatized me from a young age. I just-" he sits up, his face inches away from mine. "I don't want our kids to have the same fate."

I think over this for a moment. There's no way we can completely shield them, though? It will be a part of who they are that they will have to experience some things we cannot shield them from. Maybe I'm being petty, but is that still a no from him?

I drop my gaze. Maybe we will talk about it again soon. My anxiety starts to stack again. But when?