Pulling Through Together (Lan Zhan x Wei Ying)

It's My Fault

- Back at the Jingshi -

Lan Wangji POV 

Entering the Jingshi, I didn't expect this- Why did it have to be like this?

"Wei Ying-" I said, carefully walking to my husband, his breathing was erratic and he just seemed panicked. I want to help him, but I'm not sure that he would even let me near him in this state. I sit across from him. I want to comfort him, but- would that help at all?

His breathing hadn't slowed and he kept struggling to take in a breath. His eyes were closed and his face had a pained expression and I just wanted to cry for him. I wanted to take his pain away and make it my own. I don't want him to suffer like this. . . Seeing the love of my life like this was just a constant reminder of how he looked outside the Jingshi.

Stop- just stop. Stop it. Stop! SHUT UP!

I'm sorry- I didn't mean-

I couldn't get it out of my head. His face- he's so beautiful but with how mortified he was, it was hard to watch. I love him. I sat next to my husband. And took his hand. It was so cold and a bit smaller than mine. It kept shaking in my grasp, and he seemed scared, but he didn't try to leave.

I don't know how long had passed that we had both sat this way, but his breathing evened out and his crying had stopped. He let his body relax onto me a little more, his head on my shoulder, our hands still intertwined. I wanted to say something to him. But before I could-

"I'm sorry", he said.

"It's alright, love." I gave his hand a small squeeze. I didn't even have to ask, I knew he wouldn't want to go back out there. Not after all that happened- and I wasn't going to make him.

"I'm so sorry-" he repeated. His voice was hoarse now and I could hear how it began to shake.

"I promise you, it's okay. I love you so much, you know?" I gently kissed his head. But he soon abruptly took his hand away from mine and sat back how he was before.

"It's not okay- How could this be okay? Lan Zhan. I- It's all my fault." It was the first time he looked directly at me since we both were in the Jingshi. My heart ached for him. For his smile. For his happiness. He's so beautiful when he's happy, when he's sad. But I never want him to be sad. I don't want him to be like this- to feel so much pain. To suffer.

"It's not your fault. It was an accident, and that's okay. We'll get through it together." I smile at him. I'm here for you, please don't cry my love.

"Yes it is-", he seemed to be upset. "I don't get why you could be so calm- why don't you hate me yet? I'm responsible for this, I should've seen the signs, when he wasn't kicking as much but I-I brushed it all off and it's my f-fault" We both stand and I go to grab his hand, pleading with him.

"Please- Wei Ying, this isn't your fault. You've done so much for him and though he- he won't know, I will and so will you. I could never hate you and I never have or will. I've always loved you and-"

"No stop- Lan Zhan I killed our baby! Our baby. . . don't you see? But no, you still insist that everything's okay. That I'm not to blame."

"That's because you aren't. These things can happen. And we knew the risks from the start. And I am not going to let you do this to yourself- You didn't kill him. It was an accident." He turned away from me, still upset but also crying. I didn't want to fight with him, but he needs to know that he isn't to blame.

"Stop trying to make me feel better! Like this was all an accident. There was more I could have done and I didn't, and my stupidity got him killed!"

"Please. Just listen to m-"

"No, I don't want to hear it anymore. 'It was an accident' and 'This isn't your fault', but it is! Why can't you see that?!"

He started to hyperventilate again and I stepped forward to place a hand on his cheek, but he slapped my hand away. His face was downcast and I didn't know what to do. We both stood there in silence. I could tell he was anxious and I was too.

"I'm going to go for a walk-" He quickly walked out of the Jingshi without looking up at me, and that's when the pain in my chest started. And my vision got blurry. I sunk to the floor as my body shook, and I hated every moment of it.

I just didn't know what to do but cry. Everything was falling apart. The love of my life was in complete pain and I couldn't tell him how it was killing me inside because he'd feel worse. I was stuck. I just want our son back.

⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝──⭒─⭑─⭒──⚝

Word Count: 861

I know this was a bit short and I promise you it will get better, just hang on a little longer, my zesty zucchinis 🙏

Cya next chapter! 😩