The Way You See Me

Therapy (12)

"„Some people turn sad awfully young.
No special reason, it seems, but they seem almost to be born that way. They bruise easier, tire faster, cry quicker, remember longer and, as I say, get sadder younger than anyone else in the world. I know, for I'm one of them."
- Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine

Today is now Friday, this was such a long week for us.

My therapy appointment had to be moved from Wednesday to today at 11am.

I decided not to go to school at all since I'd have to leave early anyway.

Aunt Jules was surprisingly okay with it.

It was now time for me to get ready.

I feel nervous about meeting my new therapist.

I miss Dr. James, I knew him from before. He was my therapist from when my dad and josh first passed away.

I drive to the building where therapy is held.

I walk in and sign in.

"Hi I have an appointment with Dr. Clair" i said letting the front lady know.

"Okay have a seat while we let her know" she says with a smile.

I sit on the waiting chair, i don't wait long.

"Stella Reed" the lady calls out to me.

I get up and go through the door they have like at the doctors.

The lady leads me down the hall to a room.

In the room there's a lady with blonde short hair and glasses.

She smiles as she sees me enter.

"Hello sweetie, welcome" she says nicely.

She gives me such mom vibes and I can't help but love it.

I smile and sit at a couch she was pointing at.

"I'm so sorry I had to move our meeting up to today!" She says.

I smile, "it's alright ma'am"

"Let's get started?" She asks, i nod.

"My name is Dr. Clair, but you can call me Dr. C or Clair whatever you feel comfortable with" she says.

"Next up, have you ever been to therapy before?" She questions getting her notepad ready.

I nod, "yes I have, in my last town I had a therapist" i tell her.

She nods writing on the notepad.

"Okay! It'll be just like your old therapy sessions" she says smiling.

"In your records it says you have a history of depression? Is that correct" she asks.

I nod, "Yes that's true, I've also tried to kill myself" i tell her.

She writes more down, "would you mind telling me your thought process through that moment"

I take a deep breath, "I don't know, I guess I just started with cutting myself first and then i thought 'hey maybe I should go a little deeper'"

I stare off at the wall behind her, "I guess I thought I deserved to die" i said.

"And why did you feel that way?" She asks as she writes.

"Because I felt empty, I felt alone even if I knew I wasn't I still did and some part of me felt guilty"

"What made you feel so alone?"

I stop to think, "my mom... After my dad and brother passed away, she completely changed"

I feel the tears start to come but I hold them back.

"It's okay stella, this is a safe place. You can cry" she says handing me a box of tissues.

Her reassuring words made me spill out my tears.

"She blamed me for their death, and in a way she was right because they were on their way to get me" i say, my hand reaching up to the necklace my dad gave me.

"She started drinking heavily because that's how she could grieve with their loss"

I wipe my tears with the tissue.

"After they died, nothing was the same again. I wasn't the same, my mom, or even the world"

"What happened to your dad and your brother was not your fault, you didn't cause it, you didn't make it happen" she says.

In a way I believe her, I know I didn't cause it, I know I didn't make it happened.

It was just the cruel universe, it was the way it was supposed to happen.

They were just meant to die, some way or another.

We continue on about my dad and brother.

We went over my happy memories with them and how proud of me they'd be if they were here.

I felt some type of relief talking about them to someone new.

After the therapy session was over I head home.

When I get home there's no one here.

It's empty, everywhere I go everything is empty.

I sit in my bed and cry, I didn't realize how much I've been holding everything in until now.

I cry because I'm alone, i cry because I'm grieving and i cry because I miss Lana, I miss Evelyn, I miss violet and Noah, Blake.

I miss old Stella, maybe even Mason.

I miss when Mason wasn't in my life, I miss life before Mason.

I don't regret having anything with him, because if I had never met him than I never would've moved here.

And I never would've met rosy, Emma, Diego, and Ethan.

I have to tell at least Rosy about my mental health issues because what am I going to do if I relapse?

I don't want to relapse, I have to be okay! I have to be fine.

I turn on The Vampire Diaries to distract me from everything.

Halfway through an episode my phone dings.

I look at it to see a message from Rosy.

Rosy: hey why didn't you come to school today?

She asks I think about whether I should tell her about therapy or not.

I don't want her asking questions but I don't want to lie either.

Stella: oh I had an appointment to go to.

Is all I say which isn't a lie.

We text back and forth with each other for a little.

She tells me Ethan looked sad without me and I pretend like my heart isn't jumping around.

When we stop texting I decide it's time to get ready for bed but then I remembered it's the weekend!!

I text Ethan to make plans for tomorrow.

Stella: hey:)

It doesn't take long for him to respond.

Ethan: hey stells:)

Stella: do you want to hang out tomorrow?

I ask him.

Ethan: yes! I'll see what we can do:)

My heart flutters.

Stella: okay goodnight:)

Ethan: goodnight stells:)

I turn my lamp off the only light is the light from the tv.

I eventually fall asleep to the thought of Ethan.

Ethan.