The Way You See Me

Forgiving is the easy part (31)

"'What were you before you met me?'
'I think I was drowning'
'And what are you now?'
'Water'"- Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly. Gorgeous

I'm at a cafe called, 'new beginnings' which is totally a coincidence.

But then again it could be a sign, today is my last day here in my home town.

At eight we're leaving back to New York, we only came for Christmas and spending new years back at home.

Huh funny, when I say New York is my home it feels like it actually is.

I actually feel like I was meant to be in New York and maybe if I was there more sooner I would've met Ethan sooner.

Everything would be so different, I wouldn't be in this restaurant waiting to forgive Lana.

Lana and I would still be close, or maybe not. Maybe she'd be at her house and she never would've came back.

The bell of the door rings, distracting me from my thoughts.

I turn to look at the door to see Lana coming towards me.

I turn to look at her seat, waiting for her.

"Thank you for letting me see you" she says smiling.

I don't smile back, i give her a blank look. Her smile slightly drops.

"So what did you want to talk about?" She asks curiously.

"I forgive you" i said, she smiles brightly at me.

"Really?!" She asked.

I nod, "yes but I can't trust you anymore. I'm only forgiving you for myself because I need it"

As I tell her this, I realize it sounds selfish of me to say that to her. Am I selfish for only forgiving her for me?

I feel like I am being selfish.

She frowns, "i understand, I wouldn't have even forgiving myself either" she says.

"I'm sorry I took him away from you, for kissing him, for breaking you guys up"

I smile at her, a real smile. "Don't be! Because of you guys I met Ethan"

She smiles sadly at me, "yeah but I lost my friendship with you" she says.

I shrug slightly, "we win some and we lose some, it's just part of life. You can't have it all"

"Yeah I guess so, does this mean I can be with Mason?!" She asked me.

"Why are you asking me now?" I ask her, as if she needed my permission.

"We felt guilty the first time" she says.

"Yeah I guess this means you can be together now" i said, "I'm leaving today so I have to go but I just wanted you to know I forgive you"

As we stand up she pulls me into a hug.

"Thank you" she whispered.

I don't know if she deserves it but I know I do.

She lets go of me and walks out, this will be the last time I see her.

Something in my gut tells me that, and a part of me feels sad.

But I know it's for the best, I don't want someone who will willingly betray me like that.

I head home, the rain poured down on my windshield.

I don't know if it's just me but every time it rains, it makes me want to cry.

There's just something sad about it, something that makes me feel comforting to cry with it.

I park my car on the side of the road and i cry.

I cry for no reason.

I just cry to cry, i cry because I feel sad, I cry because I feel happy, I cry because I need too.

I even scream, i scream as the cars pass by.

I don't scream that much though, as much as I want too.

I would like to go to a field and scream there though.

Just let all of my frustrations out, it'd feel good though.

Once I'm done with my tantrum, I drive out of the spot I was in and head home.

Forgiving Lana feels like the end of a chapter in my life.

Also speaking of ending chapters, graduation is coming up soon.

I'm quite not sure what I want to do with my life but I guess I'll leave that to my future self.

She can deal with it, i won't worry about it too much.

I park the car once I get home, i run to the door with my hoodie over my head.

I open the door to see Ethan on the couch with the boys.

Noah and Blake.

I think they might be besties now.

Which makes me happy because Noah and Blake are my best friends.

"Hey guys!" I said as I drop my bag on the floor by the door.

"Hey" the boys respond back.

"How was it?" Ethan asks, the boy's attention on me now.

I sigh, "it was okay, i forgave her but I told her I don't trust her"

Ethan gets up from the couch and walks over to me.

"I'm proud of you!" He says as he hugs me, i push my face into his neck.

"We're also proud of you" Blake says as Noah stands up to walk over to us.

"Group hug!" Blake says.

The boys come crushing us into, suddenly the air from my lungs start to disappear.

I wiggle, "okay guys! That's enough now" i said as i struggle to break free.

They let go and walk back to the couch.

"I'm gonna go pack my stuff" i said as I pick up my bag from the floor.

"Okay stells" Ethan says as he kisses my forehead making me melt.

"Aww" Noah says the same time Blake says eww

I leave blushing.

I walk to my moms room before I head to mine.

"Hey mom, I'm home" i said, she looks up from her phone.

"Hi hun, how did it go?" She asks smiling.

"I think it went the way it was supposed to go" i said giving her a sad smile.

She gives a sad smile back in return.

She gets up from her bed, "come on! I'll help you pack" she says.

We head to my room, as she walks we walk in she closes the door.

"I've missed you so much mom" i said as I sit on my bed.

I look around the room, the butterflies on my walls look the same but feel different.

"I've missed you too" she says sitting beside me, "but I'm so proud of you, I'm so proud of the women you're growing into."

I lean my head onto her shoulder.

"I'll always be proud of you forever, and for everything. You are so strong and sweet." She says hugging me.

She helps me pack while we talk,

I tell her about staying at Aunts.

I tell her about Emma, rosy, and Diego.

I also tell her about how Ethan and I met.

It felt nice talking to her, I missed this old version of her.

I think she's back now.