holding back from you

'everything I've ever said has been twisted recently so who knows anymore'

Brads POV

The sun illuminated the room through the slit in the blinds, I rolled over onto my side and flashed the screen of my phone to present the time. 6:47am, meaning I have another thirteen minutes of sleep until that morning call the makes every part of my body squirm.

They tell you that being in a band, touring the world and making music is the most glamorous career on the planet, fuck they're so wrong. Don't get me wrong I enjoy every second of what I do and I would never take it for granted but just the early mornings and late nights do take their toll, every inch of your personal life is sprawled across the papers, privacy is non existent and the fact people have the ability to voice their dislike for you at the touch of a button for me to see... Yeah that side sucks a little. I'm just one of them people, whilst I'm reading the supportive messages I feel incredible but that one hate hidden in there can and will destroy my mood so fast, I guess I'm getting better at dealing with it but hey everything I've ever said has been twisted recently so who knows anymore.

Three taps at the door to my hotel room wake me from the short, light sleep I had apparently fallen into momentarily, the door swung open to reveal my manager Joe, "time to wake up pop star" he chimed, the only bloody human being who was this awake at seven in the morning. Today I decided I would just deal with the tiredness that hung over me and followed Joe immediately down the hotel stairs to be met by the rest of my band mates in the hotel café eating their breakfast, why is everybody up annoyingly early?

I slide into a seat next to Tristan and he smiles at me "morning you lazy shit" he says - laughing slightly to himself - causing me to shake my head "need coffee" I state bluntly as I feel him slide his cup towards me, I cast a cheesy grin in his direction as I quickly guzzle down the hot liquid that was certain to wake me up.

The café door swung open once more, in walked Anastasia, what is she even doing here? I swear she wasn't in Amsterdam when I went to sleep last night? I felt Tristan stand from his seat and walk over to her, pulling her into his arms tightly. "Sleep well beautiful?" He asked her, she just giggled as she took the seat on Tris' right. "Ana arrived last night to surprise me, I noticed some blank looks" Tristan said as he regained his seat next to me, James let out a small forced laugh as he cast a wary look in my direction.

That meal literally seemed to never end, granted I spent the majority of it pushing my beans around the slices of toast on my plate with my fork but that's beside the point. The amount of cringey shit that came out of Tristan and Anastasia's mouths was just grim.

After breakfast I went up to my room to prepare myself for a day of interviews before I heard a knock at my door, "come in?" I answered, the door opened and James walked in, his hair stood in its messy quiff, wearing his black ripped skinny jeans paired with a dark grey vest top. "wassup McVey?" I asked casually as I pulled on my hoodie, "let's talk about how much you rolled your eyes this morning" he laughed as he threw himself onto my already made bed, "I have no idea what you're on about mate" I lied, of course he knew I was lying though "don't bullshit me child" he chimed "you need to tell him Brad" he said, suddenly hearing a more serious tone to his voice.

Okay so basically he is right, I do need to tell Tristan, tell Tristan that I'm in love with him, that I have been for the past two years and that I don't think anybody has ever made me smile as much as he does.

I feel like it should be obvious, I've not had a girlfriend the whole time I've been in the band (Lauren was literally just a friend, someone who tried to help me understand how I felt about Tris, but as always the media twisted the fuck out of that) and the amount I literally cling to him, surely he should know? But how do you tell your 'best friend' that you think you're in love with them? I told James and Con that I thought I was gay a while back, I told them about how I felt about Tris and how I've never felt this way about a girl before or anybody for that matter. They've been supportive as anything the whole time but still James is right and I have no idea how much longer I can pretend... Even though I know Tristan isn't gay at all and it could destroy our friendship.

No matter who it is our how close you're to the person you want to tell, coming out to someone is the most difficult thing ever. I've literally only told James, Con and my mum (well my mum doesn't know about the whole me being in love with Tristan bit but you get the idea). Actually admitting it to yourself I guess is the first step, for ages I was just in denial, just convinced myself that I liked girls to fit in with everybody else, everyone always used to say 'I bet Brad will be gay when he grows up' when I was at school and somehow part of me felt that if I admitted to myself that I was gay then it would be letting them win, letting people who taunted me and made my life hell win. Once you're over that hurdle you kind of want someone to know, you want to just get it off your chest and have someone that you can tell everything, that person was Connor, I literally just told him everything about a month after I realised who I was and it is the best feeling ever. Shortly after I told James but still actually telling mum was the hardest thing ever, building up the courage to do it made me feel sick, but nowhere near as sick as the thought of telling Tristan made me.

Half of me wants to just tell Tris, tell everyone, let everybody know who I really am but the other half recoils away and wants to hide behind the allusion of 'Bradley from The Vamps, ladies man'.

I have no idea what to do anymore.