holding back from you

'I'm so sorry Tristan'

my eye lids fluttered open as I surveyed the room I'd woken in, as I began to remember the events of last night I looked down at Tristan's peaceful body, "morning" I whispered as if he'd say it back to me, "if you was awake you'd be telling me to go get something too eat or asking how I slept, but instead you don't even know I'm right next to you" I sighed, my stomach growled hungrily at me but I ignored the hunger, the thought of consuming any food whilst Tris still lie unconscious sickened me, the way his skin was the palest I'd ever seen it and how his face was completely emotionless... it's odd not seeing his usual smirk on his lips and that twinkle in his eye. "you're always my beautiful lanky twat Tris" I said to him almost silently, but at that moment I felt his hand squeeze against mine tightly and the heart beat monitor began to race, a team of nurses flooded into the room and I was hoisted from my seat and forced out the room. "TRISTAN?!" I screamed as I was pulled from the room and Connor flew around the corner with bean juice stained against his white t-shirt "what's happening?" he panicked but I just shook my head "I. I. I. I don't know, I felt him squeeze my hand then the monitor thing went off the scale and now this" I stammered as the younger boy took hold of my forearm "standing panicking won't make Tris better Brad, he'd want me to get you food" he explained as he dragged me unwillingly towards the canteen. I hate the fact I'm doing this to Con, forcing him to act strong for my sake.

Con set a plate of toast, scrambled egg, beans, bacon and sausage in front of me. "Just try eat something okay?" the Scottish boy sighed before placing his head in his hands, "James is being let out tonight" he said optimistically as he smiled at me "James is better at keeping shit together than we are" he mumbled before I pulled him into a gentle hug "like you said, we'll get through this" I sighed. I was about to eat a spoonful of beans when I heard Tristan's name being spoken from the far corner of the canteen, I stood slowly and moved closer to the pair of nurses "should we tell Mr Evans' friends?" one of them said softly "when they return to the room they'll see for themselves, we had to force them out when his heart rate began to falter..." the second said, I felt my heart stop. Is he gone? Please tell me this is some sick joke? My legs collapsed under the pressure of my body as I fell to the ground and tears streamed my face, I felt Connor's familiar build pushed against me and attempting to pick my heaped body from the ground "he's gone Con" I cracked as tears continued and my entire body felt numb. "I need to find James" he stuttered before running in the opposite direction.

I managed to drag my numb body towards the closest bathroom and pulled myself into the first cubical and gently pulled my jeans down over my thighs and sat on the toilet, "I'm so sorry Tristan" I whispered through tears as I observed the light scars, with the absence of a blade I began to roughly pick at old wounds, inflicting pain into my core as I peeled off the scabs from my thigh and blood began to seep through and trickle down my leg. I heard someone smash into the bathroom breathing heavily "BRAD" they practically screamed, their voice sounded identical to that of Tristan's, fuck now I'm hallucinating... Someone began to bang on the cubical door "Brad, I know you're in there please I know what you're doing and I'm not fucking dead child" the voice stammered, "T. T. Tristan?" I stuttered before pulling up my jeans and opening the cubical door. As the door opened the tall blonde was stood infront of me in a hospital gown, tears soaking his face, sweat tracing his brow and his hand clutched tightly against his stomach "I'm not dead Brad, the heart monitor fucked up" the older boy sobbed as he pulled me tightly into an embrace, I squeezed tightly against my boyfriend causing him to yelp in pain "fuck I'm so sorry" I panicked as I quickly pulled away from him "it's just some bruised ribs, I'm lucky" he laughed before pulling me back into him, "never forget your seatbelt again okay you knob" I mumbled against his chest, I felt him laugh before kissing the top of my head "I won't, I promise... I wasn't thinking I'm sorry" he sighed, I looked up at him, taking in every single perfect detail of his face "the thought of not hearing you again Tris" I began before his lips cut me off, "we don't have to think about that okay?" he said, being this close to Tristan was something that I never tired of, his scent always seemed to make every other thought in my head seem completely irrelevant in a way I can't quite define. "What was you going to do Brad?" The older boy whispered, "if I was... Yano" he breathed, pushing his forehead against mine tightly, "I don't know" I mumbled "but nothing would have hurt more than how that felt" I said honestly, everything ached still and adrenaline was still pumping at such a high speed around my body. "well they said they're gonna let me go tonight" Tris said with a smile cracking across his lips, I gently let my head sink into his chest - being careful not to apply any level of pressure to which I know would inflict unintentional pain on him - and I whispered softly "I love you", he laughed slightly from under my touch before kissing the top of my head "I love you too" he responded before spinning me out his touch and linking our hands "now let's go get me out of here" he said assertively.

As we entered Tris' hospital room I felt Connor immediately throw himself around me "DON'T FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN" he yelled, I laughed softly "I'm sorry, tell Tristan not to go around dying" I sniped with a wink before James cut in "maybe you should catch whole conversations pal" James jeered before pulling me into a tight embrace, "why is nothing ever simple with you four?" Joe sighed from the corner of the room.  "Simple is too boring" Tristan whispered in my ear, I turned around and pulled myself onto tiptoes in order to reach my lips to his ear "when are we going to tell Joe?" I mumbled, the older boy raised his eyebrow at me "soon" he replied quietly before brushing his fingertips across my hand and walking towards the nurse's desk just outside the hospital room to sign some release papers. why is it never simple with us four?