holding back from you

'I couldnt do this, I cant fucking do this'

I threw myself into the back of the car and rolled my head back, I felt the familiar shape of Tristan's body slide into the car next to me and I assume was followed by Anastasia meaning James and Con would be in the second car.

We traveled towards the airport and the whole journey I stayed silent, thinking about what James had said that morning, I felt a nudge at my side and I opened my eyes and looked over to see Tris staring at me "are you okay mate?" He said, I nodded and smiled to reassure him but I knew he didn't believe me "Brad this is the quietest you've ever been, what the hell is up? I'm your best friend please?" He pleaded, I could see the worry in his eyes. He had no idea how much the words 'best friend' managed to sting my heart, I managed a sigh, "I'll tell you later I promise, just urm not right now okay Tris?" I said quietly, he pulled me into his chest and rested his chin on my head, "I'm worried about you Brad" he whispered, a smile licked at my lips, until I remembered who was sat the other side of him.

I nuzzled myself into Tristan's chest and closed my eyes tight together, I never want to leave this position and I know that even just laying here gives Tris the impression that I'm fine, acting like I always have with him.

As we got out of the car and walked towards the airport I heard Tristan say goodbye to Anastasia (she had a model job here or something) before his footsteps get louder and I feel his hand wrap itself around my forearm, "Brad please tell me what's up?" He said in my ear, I looked up at his face and sighed. I pulled Tristan into the first bathroom we found at the airport and I locked the door behind us. Tristan's eyebrows knitted themselves together as he looked at me with a heavy sense of concern "Bradley..." He cautioned, he never uses my full name, a sick feeling rose in the pit of my stomach, the words "I love you" were circling in my head but when I tried to force them out of my mouth nothing happened, I couldn't do it, I can't fucking do this.

I unlocked the door and ran towards Connor (who was about to board the plane), I refused to look back and basically forced James to swap seats with me because I couldn't bring myself to sit next to Tris for the flight to America, I couldn't, I need these eight hours to get my head together.

As I sat next to Connor I felt his gaze fall apon me "Brad, you didn't do it did you?" He said, I shook my head, I felt myself start to shake "he won't change anything, I promise" Connor started "he's just worried, like really worried" He continued, resting his hand on my thigh "if anything he'd be happier to know".

why do I find that impossible to believe? I know he's worried, I know he feels like he is loosing his 'best friend' but I'll loose him completely if I tell him and even if I'm pushing him away, right now at least I still have him in my life.