holding back from you

'I was addicted to the pain that it gave me'

Brad's POV

please wake up, come on you useless piece of shit can't you just do one fucking thing right? WAKE THE HELL UP!  why isn't this working? I need to talk to Tristan, tell him this isn't his fault, tell him I love him too and let him know that everything will be okay... but my stupid fucking eyes won't open, I can't even make my body work for fuck sake, I can feel Tris' iron grap on my hand and his head laid on my stomach but no matter what I do for some reason I can't even squeeze his hand to show him okay... no matter what I do it won't work..

I laid in the darkness for what felt like an eternity, my head racing with questions and things I wanted to say until I heard Tristan's voice again "Brad? did you just squeeze my hand?" he said, shock and excitement prominent in his tired voice, did I move? I forced all of my energy into one single word "T.T.Tris?" I mumbled, I felt Tristan's body move closer to mine and I could feel his hot breath against my cheek, "Brad? I'm here" he stuttered "are you okay? please wake up Brad, please?" the older boy pleaded - his voice cracked on the final word - "Tristan" I forced from my lips before pushing all my strength into opening my eyes, "I'm here" he said, not the same cheery voice that usually left Tristan's lips but a voice full of panic and sadness... panic and sadness that I'd caused.

As my eye lids fluttered open the first sight my eyes were met with once they adjusted to the darkness was Tristan's face, his eyes were bloodshot and his hair was wildly messy yet he still looked perfect. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him towards me as I whispered in his ear "I'm so sorry", I felt his body shake as a laugh rippled through him "don't apologise Brad" he sighed, not breaking the contact between our bodies. After a short while Tristan pulled away from the hug but trailed his hand along my arm until his fingers once again entwined with my own before he sat back on his seat attached to my bed side. "Should I tell the nurse you're awake?" he asked, I shook my head at him "can we talk first?" I asked, I looked into his eyes as he nodded gently at me "I heard everything whilst I was unconscious Tris... the self harm started about a year ago, just before we released Can We Dance, things at home became slightly difficult I guess... I didn't mention it at the time because I knew it would just get in the way of everything, I mean we were just about to release our debut single on a major label, nobody want's my pathetic issues dragging our sprits down..." Tristan opened his lips to argue against my statement but I continued anyway "me and mum sort of drifted apart I guess, she told me that I was spending too much time on the band and not enough time with my education and I was secluding myself from everybody... I never meant to do that, I just wanted the band to work so I put everything into it, she'd always pushed me to go for my dreams but once they were in touching distance it felt like she wanted to rip them away, that's when it started. I blamed myself for what felt like her hating me, it was my fault and all we seemed to do was argue... every argument just left me in bits and I didn't know what to do so I just did what everyone wanted me to do and pay for acting like a twat, I punished myself and every cut seemed to make the thoughts of people being disappointed in me fade away because all I could think of was the pain, it got that way until the pain was more like a drug to me, I was addicted to the pain that it gave me, I was addicted to the way it made me forget everything else and every time something bad happened... so I would cut" silence filled the small hospital room as tears trickled down both mine and Tristan's cheeks "the diet pills started around the same time I realised that I was in love with you, I remember I was sat in my hotel room and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I liked you but how you wouldn't feel the same because as my mum had always said - homosexuals are the devil spawn and society will always look down their nose on the vermin - I was cold, it was about three in the morning and I was just covered in blood so I decided to go on twitter, maybe I thought it would take my mind off everything but it didn't... I saw a tweet from a girl who said she thought I was starting to look a bit bigger... I looked down at myself and I knew she was right, I was just a short little lump... so I got myself dressed and dragged myself to a pharmacy that was just down the road to the hotel we were in and picked up some diet pills, they're amazing because if you take the right amount they make you vomit and all the disgusting shit you eat through the day leaves you... taking the weight with it."

I stopped when Tristan placed a soft kiss on my forehead, "I thought maybe if I told my mum about how I felt it would help, but when I told her about the cutting and about you... all she said was - every time you have a homosexual thought, cut. Then you'll teach yourself how wrong it is. - so that's what I did Tris, every single fucking time I thought about you, every time I let myself imagine what it would be like to kiss you or to buy a house with you or even maybe settle down with you... I'd punish myself and I have no idea what to do because Tris I need help but nobody can know, promise me you won't tell anybody, PLEASE because think of the band Tris..." I pleaded, tears flooding my face as I desperately begged for the older boys help.

Tristan placed his hand's on either side of my face and looked deep into my eyes "let me help you Brad" he said softly, "you are not wrong and nobody hates you, you're perfect Brad, I wish I could have told you how I felt about you sooner Brad because then maybe we could have worked together and we wouldn't be here... but I promise I will do whatever it takes to make you realise how perfect you are Bradley, I will never hate or turn my back on you, if you let me I promise to never leave your side again okay? we don't need your mum okay Brad? the only family you need is me, James, Con, Dean and Joe okay? WE are your family Brad." he whispered as the tears continued to flow along his cheeks. I nodded softly at him as he pulled my face to his own and connected our lips together. his lips felt warm against my own before he pulled away from the kiss "if you're my family then isn't this incest?" I teased with a small giggle, a smile licked lightly at Tristan's lips "I might have to re-think how I phrase certain things I guess" he laughed.

"it's not going to be easy to break this habit you know..." I sighed as I felt the familiar urge to pierce the skin that coated my thighs before Tristan's hand found its place on my cheek "I know, but I'm here to help you every step of the way, now get some sleep Brad" he muttered softly as he lowered my aching body towards the pillow "please stay?" I pleaded pathetically, his hand began to trail small circles on my cheek, "I won't leave your bedside until you ask me too" he promised before I closed my drooping eyelids.

The final thing I felt before I let sleep consume me was Tristan's lips pressed tightly against my forehead as he whispered something too quietly for me too hear.