holding back from you

'I need to know if he's okay'

Tristan's POV

I held the younger boys hand as we traveled together in the ambulance, the subtle beep of the heart rate monitor was all that seemed to keep me sane, knowing he was stable was just about all I had right now to keep me from falling apart. This is all my fault, everything about this is because of me, if I'd just told Brad how I felt then none of this would have happened, Brad never would have stormed out and never would have gone into that alley and never would have been in this condition.

I sat next to Brad as the nurse hovered over his unconscious body, scribbling notes onto her pad as she inspected him. "I'm so sorry" I whispered to him, "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'm so sorry and I understand if you can't forgive me Brad, but I'm just so sorry and all I wanted was to make things easier for you but it didn't work and it's my fault and I just want to let you know, if you can hear me Brad, that...." I said softly into his ear until the bed he was laid in was yanked away from me and the ambulance doors flew open, a team of nurses surrounded Brad as he was pulled into the hospital.

I sprinted after them, trying to keep my eyes locked onto Brad. As I managed to get to the ward that they'd pulled him into an arm grabbed me from behind and spun me around. Two doctors (who looked in their early thirties) stood facing me, one male and one female, "I'm sorry, nobody can enter right now, we have a lot of work to do to save Mr Simpson" the male stated coldly before storming through the doors I had been refrained from entering.

The woman took my by the hand and pulled my body - which now felt numb - to an isolated corridor. "Can I ask your relation to Mr Simpson?" she asked softly causing me to freeze, "um I don't really know" I mumbled "band mate? best friend?" I almost whispered, my throat was so dry I'm surprised anything was able to come out. She began to shake her head with sad eyes connecting with mine "I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information then" she sighed as she began to walk away.

"STOP" I yelled as she turned back to face me, "please?" I said as tears started to trickle down my cheeks "I need to know if he's okay, I can't forgive myself if he's not and if there's anything I can do then I will because if he's not okay then..." I stuttered before the words got too much for me to handle. The nurse looked around before sighing gently to herself "I could be fired for this" she mumbled before taking me into a small room with only two chairs and a small lamp placed in the corner of the dull room.

I sat in the seat in the left of the room as the nurse took the other. "Your friend has had a fatal knife wound to his side, we're worried it could have punctured a lung based on the direction in which the knife was impaled" she said as she placed her hand on my leg, until then I hadn't noticed how much I was shaking, "we also notice some cuts trailing Mr Simpson's thighs? Would you happen to know anything about this? Does he have a history of self harm?" She asked gently as I felt my heart drop.

The thought of Brad hurting himself just killed me, the fact that he doesn't realise how perfect he is and that maybe I could have stopped him if I'd just told him the truth sooner, how long had he been doing this? Did it start when I'd been a lying dick and said I didn't want to talk to him? Was it before then? Was this my fault?

I shook my head at the nurse, the sick feeling rising from the pit of my stomach as more tears filled my eyes and my body ached from the numb feeling that had coated it since i found Brad in that alley. "Some fresh scars suggest recent cutting from at most about three days ago whilst some could date back a few months so we're unsure how far back this could have dated, it's even more worrying that he hasn't told anybody about this" she continued, "we also found traces of diet pills in his system on a small blood test we took from him to see if his blood was infected from the knife wound, this is all I can say for now but I promise I'll tell you everything as soon as we know ourselves, if you're going to stay I can find you somewhere to rest, I doubt we'll be finished trying to work on your friend for a small while yet" she sighed.

I nodded in her direction, I couldn't bring myself to face her, all of this information just was too much, diet pills though? Brad always seemed so happy with how he looked, he was vain or anything but he was happy enough in himself to walk around shirtless and show off his arms... How long has this been going on? How have I been so oblivious? Maybe the others know?

As the nurse - who's name I still didn't know - searched for somewhere for me to sleep, I clicked dial on Connor's number.

"Hello?" Connor's familiar accent answered, "Con, do you know anything about Brad taking diet pills or self harming?" I stuttered, struggling to get the words out my mouth, I was met with a momentary silence before panic entered Connor's voice "what, no? What's happened? Where have you two gone?" He said, quicker than the way he usually formulates his sentences. "We're at the hospital, Brad's been hurt by some guy in an alley and the nurse has said he had diet pill traces in his system and scars across his thighs... I don't know what to do" I said, whispering the last sentence before tears began to flood my cheeks once more, how the fuck am I not dehydrated yet? "Me and James will be there in twenty minutes, hold on" Con said, the way he tried to hold it together was incredible, something I couldn't bring myself to do....

I stood from the ground outside the hospital, but as I tried to take a step inside the doors I felt the weight of my body get too much and I stumbled forwards causing my body to crash against the ground. I pulled myself up from the ground limply with only one motive in my head, I need to make sure Brad is okay.