holding back from you

'help?'

"Tristan... I, basically" I stuttered, I took another breath and closed my eyes tight together "for a while I kind of thought yeah we were best friends and yeah I enjoyed it, but I started to feel really close to you, closer to you than I'd ever been to anybody in the entirety of my life, I don't know if you get that? I enjoyed spending time with you and when I wasn't with you I just wanted to be, I haven't had this with anyone ever in my life so I kind of accepted the fact I might be gay, in hindsight I think I'd known for ages but I didn't want to admit it to myself... I tried moving onto someone else, i thought maybe it's just confused feelings because of accepting that and having the friendship with you at the same time could have just mixed up signals or something, I don't know but whatever it didn't work, I'm so sorry Tristan but I think well not think, I do love you and I understand that you might not want to talk to me for a while because I abused your trust and your friendship and I am so sorry i didn't mean to it was an accident" I said as I felt the tears once again stream my face, as I forced myself to open my eyes I looked at Tristan, his mouth hung open slightly as he looked me directly in the eyes. "I um I need to, like i can't, that's a shock that I didn't expect, I need to go" Tristan stuttered as he swiftly walked away from the table. Leaving me alone. Guess I was right. Fucked it all up.

I took the walk back to my room, this feeling of guilt hanging in the pit of my chest. As I pushed open the door Connor and James were both sat anxiously on the edge of my bed, Con instantly registered my expression and began to cautiously approach me "what happened?" He enquired before wrapping his arm around my numb body. "He urm said he was shocked and left... He couldn't even look at me" I mumbled, the noise was almost inaudible. I felt Con's grip tighten on my body "he'll be fine, it's just initial shock Brad" he attempted to re assure me, but I could even tell he didn't fully believe his lie that was attempting to be fed to me.

I tried to pull myself out of Con's grasp but he wouldn't release me, "I'm not going to let you do anything you'll regret Brad" he warned sternly. "James, go try talk to Tris?" Con said, part of his voice made it sound like a question whilst it also managed to sound like more of a demand. Either way James instantly nodded and left the room - but not before rubbing my thigh 'reassuringly' and saying "it'll be okay, I promise" - swinging the door shut behind him.

"Can I go to the toilet please?" I sighed, I felt the last tear trickle down my skin, not that I didn't want to cry more but I think my body had just fully dehydrated itself. Connor sighed before releasing his grip, I dragged myself to the bathroom before locking the door and sitting on the edge of the bath, it felt like the whole of my body was aching, like my lungs and my heart had just collapsed and nothing would take this pain away.

Maybe if I looked better he wouldn't hate me, maybe if my hair stood in a tall perfect quiff like his he wouldn't hate me? maybe if I was taller or more talented? "WHY AM I SO FUCKING SHIT" I screamed in frustration, I literally didn't realise that was coming out my mouth, I swear it was in my head... "Brad open this door!" Connor yelled whilst he repetitively smashed his fist against the door.

Help?