holding back from you

'brad can we talk?'

I pulled on my green coat and braced myself against the wind that met me as I left the hotel, I began the short walk from the hotel to the studio but this sick feeling in my chest just made me want to divert, as I approached the gold building I sighed to myself, God I already want today over with.

I stepped into studio seven where I was watched by five pairs of eyes; Connor, James, Tristan, our manager Joe and Paul Smouth (a record producer from LA). I sat on the seat closest to the corner of the room as I listed to the general chatter that filled the room. I don't know why but for some reason I feel like I need to isolate myself, like somehow that will make it easier and like somehow Tristan has turned the other two against me... That final doubt is instantly proven wrong when Connor drags his chair halfway across the studio to sit next to me and rest his head on my shoulder, "are you okay?" He whispered in my ear, I shrugged "you know what, I don't even know how I feel" I lied, I know exactly how I feel, I feel shit. "Don't lie to me, I see right through it" he warned, I laughed at how well the younger boy knew me.

Connor pulled my hands up from the corner I was wedged in and pulled me into the corridor outside the studio, he pulled me into his chest and mumbled to me "it'll be fine, we'll make it work, we always do" he promised but I instantly pulled away as he said that "it's never been like this before though has it Con... he actually hates me" I hissed, Connor looked shocked but took another step closer to me "come on i promise he..." I cut him off by showing the text message Tris had send me last night, "I need some time to myself" I sighed as I pulled my coat around myself and clicked dial on the number at the top of my recent contacts list of Trinity.

After about a twenty minute waiting alone in a small cafe, Trinity walked in wearing a thick brown coat that was pulled tight against her shivering body, "hey" I greeted as I pulled her into a hug, she looked quizzically at me as she took her seat opposite me, "are you okay?" I shrugged at her before sliding the hot chocolate i had ordered for her across the table, she placed her hand on mine and I flinched away from the touch before sighing and began to explain the events of yesterday before we had met with Tristan, how I actually had told him at the point in which I met Trinity and finally slid my phone across the table to show her Tristan's text.

Her face dropped as her eyes scanned across the screen before rising up and directly looking at me, o shifted awkwardly and looked nervously down at the table to avoid her gaze, I felt her hand place itself onto mine as she began to softly speak "Brad, it'll be fine I promise, he's just panicking about how it could affect things, I promise that it'll be okay" she sighed before I felt her hand pulling my arm upwards. As I lifted my gaze finally I saw that she was now stood up with her coat once again wrapped around herself. "We're going to do something" she said as she pulled me towards the cafe exit.

As I walked down the unfamiliar American street Trinity pulled me into this retro sixties styled building, once we entered I noticed that it was a retro bowling alley, I laughed to myself, "Hey Matty!" She called to the young guy stood at the counter, she ran towards him and wrapped her arms around his neck, I awkwardly walked towards them, "This is my friend Br..." She began before Matty cut her off "Bradley Simpson" He stated as he beamed holding a hand towards me, "Matty is a little bit of a fan and his dad owns the alley" she said with a smirk.

Her friend managed to give us a free game of bowling on the condition that I took a photo with him which of course I didn't mind. Throughout the whole day I spent with Trinity I managed to keep smiling, she just made me laugh and I could just forget about everything else... but that's just the thing even if I'm forgetting about everything at the forefront of my mind, I still felt that dull ache, the dull ache that in the small moments in not laughing just seems to tear down my soul... Why won't it go away? I always thought maybe it would go away after I told Tristan and that it was just the constant worry but it's still here an if anything it's gotten worse, maybe he is the ache, maybe the ache is his rejection and it just hurts more because instead of being a possibility it actually had happened. It's this ache like small little daggers are being punctured into your lungs and heart and it's not like a pain that would make you crumble to the floor and scream in agony but it's like this slight throbbing that won't leave you and the longer you feel it means the more you feel yourself on the brink of tears, it's hard to explain but I guess I'm having to learn to just deal with it.

As me and Trinity walked towards my hotel her phone chimed from her pocket as her smile slid from her face and was replaced with a harsher look, "I have to go but I'll call you tonight okay?" She stuttered quickly as she pulled me into a fast embrace and jolted into the opposite direction. Why does she always have to leave so suddenly without an explanation?

I shook my head as I took the short flight of stairs towards my hotel room and opened the door to see James typing frantically on his laptop.

"You have to stop just vanishing!" he yelped as he charged across the room and pulled me into a hug before I heard deep breathing coming from behind me "Brad can we talk?" the familiar voice that belonged to Tristan pleaded.

(it's building to something decent okay, sorry for all the waffle now but I have so many plans for character development later)