holding back from you

'a world without Bradley Simpson isn't much of a world at all'

after a while of just waiting around the nurse finally showed me into a small private room of the hospital, as she lead me into the room I heard the familiar beep of the heart rate monitor and could see the frail and unconscious body of Brad laying in a small bed on the far left of the room, moonlight licking at his pale skin. I took the seat that was placed next to his bed and entwined my fingers into his own, I sighed to myself as I laid my head on his stomach.

regret just seemed to fill my numb body, the way I know this is my fault and maybe if I had just grown the fuck up then maybe instead of me laying at his side in a hospital bed, maybe we would be curled up together in the hotel... but it's too late for all of that, he just need's to be okay and all I want to know is if he will be, nobody can give me an answer.

in the hospital robe Brad had been dressed into, I could see the faint lines of a few scars that had slashed slightly further down his leg - they looked familiar but I'm sure Brad had brushed them off as cuts he'd developed from a 'small fall', fuck I wish I hadn't been so naïve back then, how didn't I notice something was up? "Hey" I whispered, nobody else was in the small hospital ward but even though I am unsure as to if Brad can even hear me, on the chance that he can, I want him to know that my words are for him and only him. "if you can hear me then I just want you to know that I am so fucking sorry, I know this is my fault and I know that when you come back you'll deny it and blame yourself but I know it's me Brad and that's okay... I'm sorry for everything, when you said you loved me I was shocked, but in a good way, in the way that it felt like everything was coming together but hey you know me I love to find a way to fuck everything up and I panicked... I wish I'd have been the one to say how I felt about you ages ago, when I first started liking you... but maybe the first day you met someone isn't the right time to say - you're the most perfect human being I've ever laid eyes on, your voice is beautiful and you're smile is so infectious... if they were the last thing I was to see and hear then I can safely say I'd die the happiest man alive - because that might scare some one off letting a guy join their band, but I didn't mind accepting that you wouldn't love me back, just watching the twinkle in your eye every single time we performed was good enough for me, the way you get so passionate when you sing Another World and how you unconsciously move your hips when we play Wild Heart... they are the little moments that made everything worth it, just seeing you happy kept me going." I paused to wipe the tears that had leaked the length of my face and had soaked the top half of my shirt, I laughed to myself. "sorry, I understand if you can't forgive me or if you've moved on but I love you Brad and I am so sorry I put you in here but you need to be okay Brad... the idea of not hearing your voice or your laugh again, that makes life not seem worthwhile. A world without Bradley Simpson isn't much of a world at all..." I felt my voice trail off and join with the silence that already filled the room.

I looked down again a Brad and pushed each of his fingers to my lips one by one before I gently place a soft kiss on his cold lips, "I love you Brad" I whispered (almost in audibly) before releasing his petit hand and turning to walk out the room. As I turned, I saw the familiar faces of James and Connor, both stood with expressions of shock on their faces. "How long have you been stood there?" I quizzed, Connor threw his arms around my neck and pulled me into a hug "the whole time" he whispered "and we're gonna make sure Brad is okay" he finished before he pulled away from me.

"hey look, three seats how convenient" James stated, obviously trying to keep myself and Con optimistic, as the three of us took our seats. Mine was the one directly adjacent to Brad's bed with Connor next to me and James seated on the end. We shared each others comfortable silence over the next two hours as a tall male nurse walked in and out of the room multiple times, each time inspecting Brad's body and making notes based on the machines that were linked to his body. After a while James and Con were both asleep in their seats, so I moved over towards where the nurse was seated just outside Brad's room "excuse me" I asked cautiously "would you be able to tell me any news on Brad's condition?" I asked, the worry prominent in my voice, the nurse smiled at me as he lead me into Brad's room and closed the door behind us "Your friend has a slight puncture to his right lung because of the angle that he was stabbed, now usually this isn't an issue but due to the diet pills found in his system his body is having a difficult time recovering from the anaesthetic due to the way the diet pills mess with Mr Simpson's blood and energy, once he has recovered we'd like you to try and find out as much about the scars we've discovered and the reasoning for Mr Simpson's use of diet pills." he said, not breaking eye contact with me throughout his entire speech, until he nodded slightly at me and headed towards the door, leaving me alone.

I once again took my seat next to Brad's bed and held his hand in mine once more "I promise it's going to be okay" I whispered before I let the wave of exhaustion crash over me and my eye lids engulfed my eyes.