The Best Mistakes

10. Kayra

I was on the plane back to Canada. I had to beg him for me to return, so that I could pack my stuff, wrap up things at college and meet my friends for the last time.

I was tired, both mentally and emotionally. But my mind was way too occupied to let me sleep. It was numb. Continuously replaying the same conversations.

“Karu, Ved is a good guy. He would keep you happy. They even said not to worry about your studies, you'll be enrolled in Delhi University after marriage. They are good people.” Maa tried to explain.

“I understand.”

“K-karu, look at me honey,” her voice broke. Her heart was breaking by seeing her daughter's broken state.

“You don't have to explain, Maa. I'm fine.”

“Baba's worried about you and I know his ways are a bit extreme but he loves you, though he never shows it.”

I had enough of her glossing over his behavior. She didn't have to fake his image anymore now that I've seen the reality. “Enough, Maa, I said it's fine. And let me be clear, loving is not enough, you have to express it too for the other person to know. And at this point, I can't even agree that he loves me. So stop, please, I beg you.”

She tried her best to console me that day. She didn't have the power to do anything more than that. I knew there was no way for me to oppose them. And how would I do that? They were right, Ved was perfect.

But no matter how nice the guy was, or how good it would be, I would still lose a piece of me, a piece that supported my entire existence. Freedom, I'd lose it. They won't understand this. Before, I was a perfect daughter. Now, I had to become a perfect wife.

What I  wanted was to be known as myself, as Kayra Mehta. But all I've ever been was someone's daughter and will definitely become someone’s wife. They'll know me as someone's something, not as a single, independent person.

I don't trust anything, the promises, the life ahead, because I know they are all meaningless and one day will be forgotten. All those promises about letting me complete my studies and becoming independent were bullshit. Even my own family abandoned me, so what can I expect from a guy I talked to for fifteen minutes.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

I was sitting there in the living room of our apartment in a complete mess of myself. As soon as I heard Amy's 'are you okay?' when she saw my puffy eyes, my tears wouldn't stop since. They both were comforting me without even knowing the reason for my distress.

I pulled myself together and told them everything. The initial reactions were what I had expected. Anger. Disgust. Worry.

But I explained them further and as always the first one to recover was Ruby. She was throwing fits. Knowing her, if it would've been someone else other than my parents, she would've cursed at them by now. She was holding it in well.

"Don't do it, Kayra. You don't have to listen to them," Ruby said with concern in her eyes.

"She's right. We'll find a way.” Amy squeezed my hand. Having them both by my side was comforting and I felt protected.

"Thank you guys, for being here with me and- " my voice broke. I still wasn't used to all this yet. I choked on my tears and my voice came out wobbly.

"I'm not mad at them for this, I'm actually mad at myself for believing them, for believing everything was fine-" I choked again as they shook their heads. Amy was crying too at this point.

"I lived my life for nothing. I did nothing. Such a waste." I broke into broken sobs and whimpers in their embraces as Ruby patted my back. Everything I did until now was for them. I lived as they wanted me to. Clinging to that useless hope, that I'd be free one day. These chains would break but no, these chains keep on growing stronger and bigger. Tightening and  holding me down. Looking back, I could see I never really lived. And now I don't even have the chance to.

"When do you have to go back?" Ruby asked, letting go of me.

I wiped my tears with the back of my hand. "March."

Ruby cupped my face and her thumb grazed over my swollen cheeks. She had a determined look in her eyes, almost like fire. "Two months,” her eyebrows raised upward and her lips pressed into a thin line. “Let's do everything that you never did. Party, drink, sex and everything.”

"You said you didn't live. Then live for these two months. You'll make up for the past twenty-two years in two months. So, don't hold back. Do every possible shit, you wanna do."

"Okay? Let's do it?" Her eyes softened and became round, when I didn't answer. This idea was absurd.

I knew she was not going to give up on letting me go, that's why she was making more of the excuses to hold me back.

But she was right. No matter how I think about this, these could be my last days of freedom. And I wasn't going to repeat the mistakes of trusting someone again and hoping for something. I couldn't trust the bullshit my parents or Ved's parents say.

I looked at Amy and she agreed too. I should do this. For myself. At least once. So that I don't have any regrets. I exhaled sharply and my fists clenched.

"Yes, I am going to live fully now. The mistakes I feared, the mistakes I have always avoided, I am going to make them all. I'll do whatever I want for the next two months," I hugged them both and smiled.

"That's my girl!" Ruby cheered and wrapped her hands around my head, pulling me in tighter. "Yess!" Amy squealed, clinging to my waist.

We shared the group hug for some more time before Ruby broke it. She ran off to her room leaving us confused. Some time later, she returned with a diary and pen.

"Let's write everything you have to and want to do," she said while putting that diary on the table.

"Ooh, bucket list! I love making them," Amy squealed once again, bringing a smile on my face.

Kayra's Bucket list

1. Dress up hot
2. Drink Alcohol
3. Party
4. Go on a date
5. Kiss
6. Sex
7. D̶r̶u̶g̶s̶

"Not drugs. I don't wanna get arrested, girl,” I panicked, when  Ruby continued jotting down illegal stuff as well.

"Oh sorry. It just flowed out," she smiled sheepishly and cut the illegal item.

For the past hour, we've been noting down things that I will do. It seemed easy from the surface but was actually hard to note down things that I wanted to do. So far, we had six items on the list. As the items were being listed, my confidence from earlier seemed to be wearing off. I had never done anything from that list so I was a bit nervous.

Will I be able to do it?