The Best Mistakes

44. Kayra

The familiar scent of home didn't feel comforting to me when I landed in India. The morning rush, noises of vehicles, traffic, everything was still the same but my feelings towards them had changed. I didn't feel welcome at all. It all appeared like a cage to me, where I'd be imprisoned.

The pain of leaving everything behind and dealing with the breakup was hard enough but the fall out with Ruby was worse. She meant what she'd said. She didn't even come to see me off at the airport.

Even though Amy came to the airport and I broke in tears along with her, I wished Ruby would've been there as well. It hurt to not be able to say goodbye. She was my best friend, I really wanted to see her.

I gazed outside the window of the cab. Familiar streets, shops and alleys greeted me with an inexplicable emotion. Like they were also sad to see me back. Maybe it was all in my head but the grey clouds in the sky seemed like they'd cry any moment too.

I closed my eyes, unable to continue watching myself get closer to my house. My whole body ached, both from the overnight flight and all the crying from yesterday. My eyes had become dry due to my continuous weeping after leaving Nolan in the park that day.

I thought I would be able to do it. I thought I wasn't attached but I guess I couldn't stop myself. I had become too attached to him and my life without him was like a dried tree. A tree without any leaves or flowers and which wouldn't bear any fruits, just standing because no one cuts it down or standing until it becomes so hollow that it won't be able to stand up.

Nolan. I miss him.

The cab stopped making me jolt up. I glanced outside the window to see my house. My home, which I always missed and where I was always eager to come back to. But now I didn't even want to step a foot inside. I just stood there, outside the house, staring at the decorations. It looked like it was a festival with the marigold garlands covering the house and the lighting twinkling making the whole house lit up.

I stepped inside the gate to find some ladies making rangoli outside and young boys running errands. The house sure was lively with everyone being enthusiastic except me. I spotted Maa, who was talking to some women with tense expressions but as soon as she was done, she saw me.

Her eyes lit up and maybe teared up a little too. “Karu!” Saying she took fast steps towards me and engulfed me in a hug. Maa’s embrace felt safe and I wanted to let myself break and hug her back tighter and not let go. But I remembered what was happening and what she did.

I wasn't feeling any warmth anymore and the only thing I did was let go of her hug. She cupped my cheeks and patted my head gently. She must be more sensitive because I refused to talk to them for the last two months. “I'm glad you came back. Let's go inside. Come.”

She held my hand and took me inside. I didn't really think it was out of her affection and relief about seeing me after so long. Maybe she held my hand because she doubted I might leave right now, right here.

On our way inside, she talked about all sorts of things about what happened in the past two months and the guests we had at home but I didn't really pay any attention to it. It was bullshit, and like a useless bandage to cover up my suffering.

I saw people on my way that I had never seen in my life. Apparently, they were our distant relatives, who would be here until after the engagement. Everyone in the house and whom I saw on my way seemed happy and ecstatic, totally unaware about the whirlwind of emotions inside me. They looked more happy than the bride herself.

“You came back?” I looked at Aahan, who came running towards me with a frown after hearing about my arrival. I didn't answer him, in fact I was so tired I didn't even want to stand on my feet. “Why did you come back?” He asked again, coming closer to me, scared that Maa might hear him.

I internally scoffed at his question. I also don't like marching towards my doom, punk. He cared for me and wanted my happiness even though he never showed it. But he was young, he didn't know anything about how everything worked. I hated doing this more than anyone.

My hold on my bag tightened when I saw Baba entering the hall. He stopped there, staring at me and I stared back. He must've gotten the news as well. I didn't say anything and just took my bags and made my way towards my room, without glancing back.

Are you happy now that you've seen me for yourself? I bet relief must've washed over him when he heard I came back. Don't worry Baba, you raised me to obey you, and I'll do so.

I slammed the door behind me and soon after Aahan knocked on it, calling out to me. “Karu! Open the door.” He tried to open the door only to fail multiple times. The intensity of his knocks decreased and a time came when he gave up. The knocks stopped altogether but he didn't leave. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He asked from outside.

I didn't answer. After some time, he gave up and left. He must have been taken aback by my decision and was worried that I might end up regretting my decision. But this was the only decision I could make, there's nothing else for me to choose from.

I plopped on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I didn't realize how much time had passed because I couldn't sleep or move and all I did was stare at nothing. The room became darker and I glanced outside to see the sun had set. It was night and no one came to get me.

I got up from the bed and went to the washroom. I glanced in the mirror and saw a version of myself which was so vulnerable that I didn't even want to see it. My face was as cold as ice, with no emotions and warmth whatsoever.

I splashed some water on my face a few times and glanced back in the mirror. Still the same as before. I thought maybe this was all a dream but I was wrong. I came out of the washroom and went towards the desk to get my phone but a photo frame averted my attention.

My childhood pictures with the whole family. A photo of me crying on my birthday because some relatives said something mean to me. I never really remembered what they said but now I do.

The door opened and Maa entered with a plate of food. She passed me a warm smile and came beside me. She put the plate on the table. “You must've been tired so I brought  dinner to your room.”

I stayed silent, so she followed my gaze and looked at the frames. “Maa.” I didn't avert my gaze from my crying picture. “Hmm?” She looked at me with the same gentle and understanding look in her eyes. But did she really understand me?

“Do you remember when everyone used to say that I'll have to marry someday and then I'd yell at them, crying that– no, I would never get married. Then you used to scold them for saying that,” I chuckled. My vision was getting blurry but I still stared at the picture.

Maa chuckled as well, taking the picture in her hand and looking at it closely. “Yes. You were so against the idea of marriage. But now you're getting married, you changed.”

Changed? I looked at Maa, with tears flowing down my cheeks. My vision cleared and I saw her freeze at her place. Her smile dropped and she looked at me with teary eyes. “I didn't change, Maa. You did. I'm still against the idea of it. But you didn't keep your promise.”

Maa's face became unreadable. A tear slipped from her eyes and she started to move backwards. “Maa, were you really oblivious or just pretended to not know anything?” I wondered about this. She acted surprised and hurt but couldn't she really see through her own daughter. Or maybe she did and chose to ignore it.

She continued stepping back until her back hit the door and she hurriedly went out without speaking a word. I slumped on the ground, fresh tears flowing out again.

The food stayed untouched and I just wallowed in pain that squeezed my heart. This day was all I had. Tomorrow is the day when a leash disguised as a ring will be put on me. No one was by my side, not even my own mother. I lost everyone and everything and my life now was just like this room, dark and empty.