The Best Mistakes

37. Nolan

“I'm adopted.” I said it. The fact that I'd buried deep within myself, which clawed at me from within whenever I was happy was finally out. After all these years, sharing this makes me feel lighter and more…anxious. I scanned Kayra's face for any reaction but all I saw was blankness. She was truly shocked to hear this and I knew what she'd say next.

“I'm sure you'll say that I'm mistaken but I'm not.” I smiled when she looked at me with a ‘how do you know’ face.

“Are you sure you're not mistaken? I mean I also joke with my little brother that he's adopted so maybe you took it seriously when Ethan said that. You know that's how older siblings annoy you,” she awkwardly explained. A smile formed on my lips at her clumsy approach. How did she think that? Her brain truly worked differently.

She must think how come I'm adopted when they all love me so much. We all look like a real family and honestly– we are but that's what pricks me like a thorn at times. No one is able to tell that I'm not their real son.

“Don't worry, Ethan never said anything  to me. I just found out.” She again fell silent, listening to me. “I found the adoption documents in Dad's office when I was eleven. They adopted me when I was three, so it all made sense of why I don't have any baby pictures.” I didn't look at her. I was scared to see pity in her eyes. I didn't want to be seen as pitiful but today my guard was lowering. I was confiding in her and letting all the pent up things inside me out.

“They loved and cherished me so much that I never would’ve believed it until I saw for myself the official adoption documents.” It was hard to believe. Even harder for me to say. I never told Mom, Dad or even Ethan that I knew I was adopted.

“Me being adopted is not the problem. I'm over it, though it took me a couple years to make peace with the truth.” I knew they accepted me for who I am and loved me for it. They wouldn't treat me differently if I told them the truth. But I could never utter a single word about it to anyone, as if my throat dried everytime I wanted to say it.

I finally looked at Kayra who was staring at me. There was a hint of pity in her eyes but more than that she was understanding me. She was willing to hear me out. She didn't say that I was throwing childish tantrums, instead she placed her warm hand over mine. “Their love and care makes me uncomfortable. It makes me think that I don't even deserve it for I'm not even one of them.” Especially when we were together, I couldn't help but feel heavy from inside. Like a big stone weighing on my chest.

“Sometimes, they even favor me over Ethan, their own son. They never hit me nor Ethan ever bullied me. They give me love, affection and warmth and now even the company. Why'd they do that when I am not-” I stopped when she suddenly grabbed my face and made me look at her. She released a long breath and met my eyes.

“Because you're their son. They think of you as their son, at least it seems that way to me,” she said, squeezing my face between her palms. She had a determined look on her face. “Do you think they are your parents and family?” She asked. There was no doubt in the answer to that question. I absolutely, truly think of them as my family. Mom, Dad, Ethan…were my family. Even if I wasn't truly their child, I believed myself to be one of them. And I knew they did too. I nodded.

“Then it's solved. They think of you as their son and you think of them as your family, so you're really their son. No matter what anyone or any document says.” She smiled and for the first time, I felt truly lighter. Like I wanted to hear this from the moment my eleven-year old self found that document. I wanted someone to say this, that I was really their son and I deserved their love. But that's not where my thoughts end. What about Ethan?

“Sometimes, I can't help but feel apologetic towards Ethan. It must be so unfair to him. I always feel like I'm coveting what belongs to him, like he is the older and real son then he should get the company and love from his parents. But he is not.” Even if I can be their son, it doesn't change the fact that Ethan is the real son. Everything belongs to him but instead who's the one receiving it? Me. A fake.