Final Farewell

26

3 months.

Time can really be a bitch sometimes. 3 months came by in a blink of an eye. It already passed. And that was so quick.

A lot happened in the span of three months.

Mom's funeral. James' hearing. Kuya's small business. Then there's Dane.

Woah. I really can't believe it. In just a month, I'm going to have to make the biggest decision of my life and yet no one knows what I'm about to do. It's quite risky and terrifying at the same time. I'm going to risk my life in hopes that the afterlife would be much better than my current life. So much better.

"Halo!" A voice from behind me screeched my name. As I turned around I forced a smile.

"Hey, I've been looking everywhere for you. Magsisimula na ang Art Exhibit mo in just 30 minutes. Hinahanap ka na pala ni Gen para magprepare, tapos na ikabit ang lahat ng paintings mo."

He smiled. That boyish grin of his. I can't believe it. It feels like a dream. And soon I have to wake up.

"Thank you, Dane, for everything." I said as I kissed him on the cheeks. Agad naman siyang namula. How cute.

"You're welcome, Halo. Pumunta ka na raw doon." I smiled at him again before proceeding to the Gallery.

"Halo, dalian mo na. Malapit na magsimula!" Sabi ni Gen, isa sa mga producers at ang nagorganize nitong event ko.

"Salamat talaga, Gen." I smiled at her.

"Naman, ikaw pa! Galingan mo ha? Make us proud girl!" She beemed at naglakad palayo, may aasikasuhin pa raw siya.

This is a dream come true. Matagal ko nang pinangarap na magkaroon ng isang art exhibit. And I'm a bit overwhelemed that this is really happening. Kanina ko pa nga kinakalma ang aking sarili.

And the doors were finally open.

Madaming kilalang personalidad ang dumayo sa aming maliit na exhibit. Ngiting-ngiti sila habang tumitingin at pinagmamasdan ang iba't-ibang gawa ko. May ibang naluluha dahil sa isang malungkot na imahe. Yung puro puti at itim ang kulay.

Isa iyon sa mga dati ko pang gawa. It has a special place in my heart. That was one of my adored and most loved paintings of all.

Entitled 'Death and Beyond.'

Makahulugang mensahe ang imaheng iyon. All the emotions and other whatnots. That was the painting when I planned to kill myself. When I attempted suicide for the first time.

Those red streaks were my blood. I cut myself. Those scars are still visible upto this day. They hadn't disappeared yet. And now I want to cry.

Marami na ang napaluha dahil doon. May isang gustong bumili noon na ikinagulat ko. Kahit labag sa kalooban ko na ibenta iyon, ay wala na akong magagawa pa. Nabili niya na.

At noong itinanong ko yung buyer kung bakit niya gustong bilhin iyon, ito ang isinagot niya na napanganga at napangiti ako.

"Ang ganda kasi ng pagkagawa mo Madame. Yung meaning nito napakadeep. Yung parang wala ka nang pag-asa, gusto mo nang magpakamatay. Pero hindi pa rin nangyayari dahil parang may humahadlang sa'yo na huwag muna. Na mag antay ka muna. And eventually, hindi ka na magpapakamatay.

Because life is worth living for even if its not the life we wanted, we must be grateful that we even existed in the first place. There are a lot of things that we're taking for granted. God is with us always, He will never leave our side. We just need to acknowledge his presence and be thankful that we lived.

Never lose faith and hope, dear. Don't give up. Please don't do it. It'll be such a loss if we lose such a great artist like you. You're one of a kind, remember that. And this will end sooner or later. Even the night changes to day. The dark will be gone. Have hope for better days. Have hope, child."

That old man knew. He knew what I was planning. And it didn't creep me out. It was fine by me.

As I excused myself from the exhibit, I found Dane sitting by the park bench alone. He was in such a deep thought though and I did not want to disturb him. He looks peaceful.

Malapit na pala ang araw ng katapusan. And I don't know what to feel about it. It's so hard. And yet I feel so tired.

I walked towards him carefully, he still didn't saw me.

How could I leave him?

Can I even leave this world? Of course I can but it'll be difficult.

When I was only a few inches away from him, he finally looked up. And I saw tears in his eyes. And it broke my heart even more. His eyes were full of pain. And it hurts badly.

How can I leave the boy I love for decades? How cruel can that be?

I love him. And I don't know if I can do it.

I don't know what to do.

I love him so much, and it stabs me in the heart of the thought that eventually I'll leave him alone. I know that I'm not good enough. He deserves someone better. Someone who's whole and not severely damaged.

And I know that this isn't constant. This will soon vanish and fade away.

But it's not wrong tolove him right?

I loved him from the start.

And it hurts.