Secrets of an Alchemist

There's Something About Hook Foot: Part 1

(Yaaaaaaaaaaay. Here comes my FaVoRiTe episode.)

"Something's up with Hook Foot," Lance declared, standing with the rest of the gang, except for Cassandra, Shorty, and Varian, who were doing various other things on the beach. Lance, Rapunzel, and Eugene were watching the thug as he sat under an umbrella near the sea. "He hasn't moved in I don't know how long."

"I'm guessing since low tide," Eugene guessed, as Hook Foot was submerged up to his armpits.

"Two hours," came Varian's voice from the shade of a nearby palm tree. "Twenty-seven minutes, and forty-six seconds."

"He was clipping his toenails with a crab's claws the other day," Cassandra offered, sharpening her sword while sitting on a mound of sand. Varian made a face.

"Ew," he said.

"He tried to put shells in his hair, and, get this, he was actually looking in a mirror!" Lance added.

"And he was trying to clean out his teeth!" Rapunzel exclaimed. "That's an improvement! Albeit, he was doing it with a stick, but improvement nonetheless!"

"Now I know why there's grease on my mirror handle!" Eugene said, frustrated.

"Now I know why my walnut cracking sticks smell like teeth," Shorty added sourly from his place on the sand.

"Walnut... cracking... We don't have any walnuts!" Varian exclaimed. "Also, teeth are scientifically unable to have a smell."

"Well, not with that attitude, we don't," Shorty argued, crossing his arms. Varian facepalmed. He had forgotten that you can't argue with someone who doesn't even know what their own name is and expect to win.

"Maybe he's just in a good mood?" Rapunzel offered.

"That's the problem!" Eugene exclaimed. "Hook Foot only has two moods." Varian nodded.

"Yeah. Surly, and..." Varian added. Then he paused. "Just the one mood, actually." The group decided that Eugene would go ask Hook Foot what was up, as he knew him best. Varian stayed a respectful distance away, but close enough so he could still hear their conversation.

"What is wrong with you?" Eugene asked bluntly. Varian cringed. Even he could be more tactful than that! "You're acting strange and what is that weird thing you're doing with your mouth?" Varian looked over and realized that Hook Foot was eating a sandwich... and actually chewing! There was a creak as Hook Foot showed his teeth.

"Smiling!" He said, as if stating the obvious.

"Oh, so that's how you smile, and-and uh- a beautiful smile it is," Eugene affirmed, plastering a fake smile on his face. Hook Foot's smile grew.

"I met someone, Eugene," Hook Foot said, love in his eyes. Varian sat bolt upright. Hook Foot, of all people, had met someone before he did?!? Varian's eyes flicked over to the shelter, where Cassandra was. Well, he had technically met someone over a year ago, but she hated his guts.

"Okay, always nice to meet people," Eugene agreed, oblivious to Hook Foot's actual meaning.

"No," Hook Foot said dramatically, standing up. "A lady."

"Half of us are," Eugene pointed out, still not understanding Hook Foot's meaning. This exchange was honestly painful to Varian.

"He means that he's dating someone!" He shouted from the pile of sand that he sat on.

"You, wow, oh!" Eugene exclaimed, finally understanding.