Fate Interrupted

42.1 Aftermath

My hands grow cold and clammy as frozen liquid pours suddenly through my veins, then my chest caves in. Oh god. What did I just say?

I stumble forward to the house, just barely able to get the door open before I crumble into a ball with a thump against a kitchen cabinet. I feel the pressure of tears against the back of my eyes, but they won't come out now.

He left me. He doesn't want the baby. Why did you push him? I can't give it up. I can't. He hates me now. What if he doesn't come back? 

I try helplessly to fight against the incessant stream of whispers, knowing they just can't be true. My heart tells me Gio would never leave me, especially not now. But the sickening ultimatum just won't stop echoing— I'm doing this... with or without you.

I put my hand to my pained chest and can't feel my hands very well. I pinch my skin to make sure I can feel something, but it's not much. Why am I so cold? Faster and faster, my heart rate picks up speed until it feels untethered like a hummingbird. Its frantic wings flap erratically around in my chest. I suck in air, but it's not enough! My lungs can't pull it in—they are too tight. It's just not enough for how hard my heart is going.

It scares the living shit out of me. I'm going to die. My vision blurs again, and I see the cabinet in front of me vibrate with my pulse.

A panic attack—I need my pills. But then I remember I gave my mom the bottle back the last time she was over. I hadn't needed them in nearly a year.

You can't take those anyway, idiot—you're pregnant! You gotta calm down. You gotta do this without medication. You can, and you have to! 

Closing my eyes tight, I let myself fall across the cool tile, trying to focus on the feeling of the strong floor. Then I turn all my attention to my breath and imagine my mother's calming voice telling me what to do.

"It's okay, sweetie. You'll be okay. Take a slow breath in through your nose and count to five."

Oxygen particles enter my nose in a slow cool stream. One, two, three, four, five.

"Good, you're getting calmer now. Blow the tightness out."

One, two, three, four, five.

"Good. Again."

Red afternoon light drags slowly across the floor and then vanishes altogether. The house pulls down and is dark, still, and patient with me. Finally, after who knows how long, my chest loosens,  my heart rate drops and beats predictably again, and I can breathe in deeper, but I wait till my head clears more before I sit back up. Taking a deep breath, I push off the floor, turn on a few lights, and make my way to the sofa.

My face is slack, and my body feels loose and washed out. My gaze is lost somewhere between my nose and the wall. Vague thoughts of the Indian food in the fridge mingle with the realization that I may have just become a single mother without a job. The sound of a car in our driveway perks my ears.

Gio! My heart leaps and slams toward the front of my rib cage as if it could run to him.

But the engine sound is not Gio's Corvette. The car's headlights circulate through the dining room window as it turns to park in front of our house instead of continuing into the driveway—the engine cuts. A shiver rolls down my spine, and my heart pounds again.

I quickly rack my mind for who it could be. No one besides the process server has ever shown up at our house unannounced.  Fuck.

A loud knock on the door makes me jump.