Thalassophile (Billy Hargrove)

Euphoria

Chapter 32
Unedited

I pushed Billy back, jumping down from the barrel; I grabbed ahold of his hand, and I made my way through the crowd, brushing past sweaty bodies and drunk teenagers. Once I was out the doors of the farmhouse and at least 15 feet away from it, I turned around to face Billy Hargrove, who, despite being pulled around for the past five minutes, didn't mumble a single word. I held my palms out before him. "What do you see?" I asked, my breath picking up. I'd been so afraid for so long, but not anymore; I needed to show him who I was, all of me. "Kai?" "Billy, what do you see?" Billy blinked, puzzled by my question, before  finally saying, "I see the palms of your hand." I let out a small laugh, not because it was funny but because something deep inside me heard a reasonable answer.

"You know what I see? I see blood, the blood of my Best friend, Barbra Holland. After I failed to treat her wound, after I failed to save her, after I left her buried in the cave in the upside down and ran away." Billy was frowning. He didn't know what to say; I knew I sounded crazy. His eyes were searching my face for answers. "When I'm alone, I see her eyes, her baby blue eyes looking at me; I'm scared every time I'm alone for too long; every time someone gets close to me now, I'm afraid they're going to leave me because I lost her, I never thought I would. Every time a tire screeches against the road, I think it's a Demogorgon. Whenever I walk past a cave, I think it's Barb's body inside."

"Kai." Billy tried to get ahold of me, but I stepped away. "I feel fucked up, I feel fucking damaged, I feel like I can't breath; you say you don't deserve me, I feel like I don't deserve you fuck I don't deserve to be alive!" Billy took two long strides before I was in his embrace. "Don't ever say anything like that ever again. Do you hear me, Kai? Don't you ever dare speak those words?" I pulled away, holding his face in my hands.

"I used to be afraid of the space outside my window because that's where I dragged Barb's body out of, but then you began to climb in through my window, and you faded that horrible memory with a new one. I used to be afraid to look into people's eyes, blue eyes to be exact, without feeling scared or crippling guilt, but then I saw yours, and now they're my favorite color. I used to be afraid of every cave and forest, but then we made love in one, and since then, they have been my favorite. Do you think you did nothing for me, Billy? You have saved me. You have made my life bearable; I owe my sanity to you." In a second, his lips were on mine. I had kissed this man several times before, but it felt completely different right now. It was unexplainable. It was pure bliss. It was more than love. It was the oneness of two souls; it was euphoria. When we pulled apart, I opened my mouth to speak again. "I know you think you are damaged and broken, and it's okay because you didn't choose for those things to happen to you. They just did, but I don't love you any less for it; if anything, I love you more." 

I felt Billy's tears graze down his cheeks, his long lashes damp. I didn't mean to hurt him. "Do you still love me even after I just told you all these crazy things?" "I finally see a side of you I never saw before, and I know this sounds fucked up, but I feel a little more worthy of you; I just wished you didn't burden yourself for so long. You could tell me anything."

"I was afraid you won't look at me the same way." Billy hugged me, my arms wrapped around his waist as he rested his chin on my head. "I could never not love you, Kai; no matter what happens, I will always love you. I might not understand it, but I don't love you any less for it; if anything, I love you more." I smiled against his warm embrace. Somewhere along the way, the smell of his cologne, mint gum, and the light hint of cigarettes comforted me. "I will love you till the day I die."

"Guys!" I turned around to find Nancy stumbling towards us; she was two feet away when she almost came crashing down on the two of us. Billy quickly grabbed hold of her, steadying her. "Thanks, Horsegrove," I chuckled, and Billy frowned. "Anytime, Wheelie." "Why are you here cuddling your boyfriend? You're supposed to be partying with me. It's my one night before boring work. "Nancy Drew, get me coffee." Nancy rolled her eyes, swinging her arms around me. "sorry Nance but I'm not goi-"

"To be a party pooper." Billy said; I snapped my head toward the two-year-old that spoke the words party pooper, "Because we're all gonna party." I looked over at Billy, confused as to why he suddenly was okay with me partying."

"Yeah, are you gonna get wasted and high nadir?" Nancy teased, "Oh yeah, she's gonna get super wasted and high." Billy began to pull drunk Nancy off me at the sight of drunk John coming up the pathway, "Why don't you go join Byers, and we will be right there." Billy said, giving Nancy a nudge in the right direction. "You promise Horsegrove?" Billy pulled his lips to a tight line. "Pinky promise, Wheelie." As Nancy stumbled into John's arms, I looked over at Billy. "Now you are okay with me getting high and wasted?"

Billy smiled. "You deserve to party with your best friend. I will stay sober and make sure nothing happens, but you, Kai Nadir, deserve to party like there is no tomorrow." I couldn't help the laugh that escaped my mouth as we began to head to the farmhouse again, hand in hand. I felt as if the world's weight was lifted off my shoulders, and I could finally move on and maybe even live again.

Hello everyone thank you for patiently waiting for so long! Hope you all enjoy!