The Grean Household

42: Recovery

At first, it was darkness.

Sarah felt like she touched the hand of God, but it was false. Instead, she felt like she was suffocating, though she knew she should've been exhilarated and celebrating her spot at the righteous gates. But the lights she was seeing wasn't heaven, and the thing she was feeling wasn't an angel holding onto her hand.

Her eyes fluttered open, her vision beginning to adjust.

At first, she couldn't remember why she was there, then, it came rushing towards her like a stampede, capable of burning her. Sarah breathed quietly, glancing down at who was holding her hand.

Henrik had his head down, wiping along her skin with his thumb. She was silent, unmoving, not wanting to alert him. Though, because of her silent perspective, Sarah began to see what she had caused.

Brave and stubborn. Those two characteristics being the downfall when Sarah was sure of something that wasn't true. She was opinionated on her own existence, only seeing what she loathed, ignoring what her husband saw- what her children saw.

It was the way Henrik sat there, in the same position. Head bowed, thumb moving across her skin gently. She expected a huff of annoyance, yet she heard a shaky exhale instead- like Henrik didn't know if she would live or not. Sarah began to wonder if she was dead, and she was just seeing him outside of her body. Even if that was the case, a sadness began to settle in her. A different kind of sorrow than the one that drove her to the attempt. 

It was heavier, thoughts laced into the way she shakily breathed out, noticing how Henrik wouldn't move. 

What have I done?

Sarah breathed in deeply, moving her hand gently. Henrik snapped his gaze up, eyes wide. A sharp stab of guilt entered her chest, making her eyes watered as she stared at her husband. His eyes were bloodshot, the faintest circles being added underneath his eyes. 

Time didn't make sense, and Sarah didn't want it to. She barely wanted to ask.

"Henrik," He squeezed her hand at the call of his name. She expected him to be angry, to lecture her on her selfishness. Sarah expected everything but the expression on his face. 

"Sarah," He was breathless, as if holding all the air inside his body until she woke up.

Sarah tore her gaze away from Henrik, feeling a burning feeling of intense regret. She was reminded of her plan, and of her failure. Along with the realization she was still alive, another one came and stabbed her in the chest. Her son. Her husband.

"I was so worried," Sarah closed her eyes at the sound of Henrik's shaky voice, hand gripping the grittiness of the hospital sheet. Henrik took her hand fully, wrapping both of his around it, as if to cage and secure her. She felt his lips kissing her skin, muttering things she couldn't fully hear. Then, as if it were his final crack, Henrik gulped down breath, seemingly holding in his tears.

"Meine schatzi-" Sarah's lips curled, jaw clenching as tears of guilt ran down her cheeks. 

"I was so scared..." His breathing was unstable.

Sarah covered her face with her other hand, unable to look around. Each object, every movement of her dizzy vision, seemed to remind her of her failure. First, it was the protection of her children. Then, it was ridding the world of a useless mother.

Sarah wanted to spill out her apologize, but she couldn't. She was waiting for his tone to turn, for his anger to show, but it never did. Henrik simply held onto her hand like he was deathly afraid of letting her go. The world felt like a cold cage for her, its chains wrapping around the remains of her shattered heart.

"Are you angry...?" She shakily asked, trying to hold her breath steady. Everything she seemed to do was in vain, even when it came to trying to stop her own failures. 

"Angry?" Henrik sounded incredulous, his voice still holding a softness to it. Sarah was preparing herself for a lecture, clenching her jaw tightly. 

"No..." He muttered, the grip on her hand loosening. Sarah looked back, noticing how he stared down. There was something new in his eyes that she never saw before. It clouded over the fading blue that she fell in love with, almost adding something new that was hidden, but always there.

"I understand." 

"What?" Sarah's breath escaped, watching as her husband finally met her eyes. Underneath his well-put together facade, was a breaking person. Sarah could see it now. Maybe his prescriptions helped with his brokenness, or he just got so good at hiding it that it seemed invisible to the naked eye- maybe even to his wife's eyes who had been by his side for almost a decade.

Now he seemed guilty, like he almost tried to disappear but was stopped by someone else. Sarah couldn't see someone like Henrik attempting suicide, but that perspective began to change. It was the way that he glanced at his hands as they rubbed hers. Sarah wanted to guess, but she knew she could never figure out where, why, and when he tried.

"I'm just... I'm just glad you're okay." Henrik finally looked back at her. Sarah wondered if she had been clueless of his suffering, or if she was too caught up in her own agony that she never noticed. But it seemed that Henrik held it from her, always being open and lending her a hand when she collapsed at his door.

It was her that reminded him of something he once had, or still possessed. Maybe it was the fighting spirit and the stubbornness, or the bravery that kept her going. But it was her bravery that drove her to swallow many of his pills. Henrik would argue that it was her bravery to come back after her overdose, and to keep fighting.

"I'm sorry-" Sarah sobbed, feeling Henrik reach over the bed and bring her close to his chest. He hugged her with a tightness that Sarah noticed was laced with so much fear. Then, she felt his shuddering. He was beginning to cry. 

She ran her hands through his hair, trying to ground herself as Henrik held her close to him, still shuddering but keeping his sobs silent. Sarah began to understand her own bravery. Driven with her own stubbornness, she suddenly realized that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get rid of herself. It seemed like there were more things she had to keep fighting against.

And she was okay with that.