xanny - billie eilish gxg ff

twenty-six

ellysa

"i said sorry, she said sorry and she asked me to be her girlfriend." i explained lani this situation.

"are you still hurt?"

"nope, i am fine. although life is really stressful. work, paparazzi, mom is being alone and uh yeah," i wanted to talk about my dad but i hate talking about dad. "and also billie a bit. but just because it's been so long i had a relationship and i don't want to mess this up."

"you won't mess up ella."

"how do you know? you know how i am if something stressful around me."

"i know, and about your mom, go be with her. talk to her. she could pull anyone, she is really pretty so,"

"i don't think she is ready."

"it's been 5 years elly, she needs you because you know her, she won't make a move alone. she is probably afraid about your reaction."

"yeah," i said annoyed.

"does billie know what happene-"

"no! and she won't for a while. and i don't want to talk about this."

"okay then, what about your eating?"

"i am not going to trauma dump you, let's just enjoy the beach." i rolled my eyes, looking away.

"no, you are too skinny again and this time i won't fucking care how much you cry that you don't want to go to the hospital i will call your mom and the hospital if you drop another pound."

"geez i won't, i am eating god! the past few days were so fucking stressful and before this "i am in love with her but she is just fucking me" was still stressful i just never showed it. i can't take anything anymore and don't fucking argue with me about this because i know why and what i am doing. i am not starving myself i just can't fucking eat."

"i am not arguing, i am just worried you know i never told you this but the way things went last time, you opened up to me, only to me and only i knew what's going on and i didn't make a fucking move before everything got, uh bad. but i knew that, that shit was about to happen and i could have stop it you know? but i still didn't."

"you know that it's not your fault right? you "could have" but when i was hospitalized i still refused to eat. it's not your fault okay?"

"yeah, i know. but i know that although your mom never said it out loud, she feels that at least a tiny part of this was my fault."

it wasn't lani's fault, and i will never be able to make her believe me.

"i am just worried about you, i love you and i don't want you to go through that again."

"i didn't relapse. i don't like the way i look now, i don't like myself this skinny okay? i want to gain weight again and i am on it. can we not talk about this either? i love you too and i am very grateful for everything you did for me, stop blaming yourself or i'll drown you in the ocean."

"okay." she chuckled. "we should go tho, i am meeting up with henri in a hour."

"date?"