xanny - billie eilish gxg ff

thirty-two

ellysa

last part continues

billie fell asleep on top of me, but i couldn't.

i need to pee, cry and shower.

i am laying down on billie's bed and my head won't shut up. i feel so down.

i don't want to be here in this world. it's so exhausting.

i open instagram and scroll through my pages. i follow recovery accounts, like ro mitchell.

i gently push billie off of me, making sure she lands really softly so she won't wake up.

i made my way to the bathroom, closing the door behind me.

i take a pee and then as i wash my hands i look in the mirror.

tears immediately starting streaming down my face.

i collapse on the floor and i start sobbing.

i am so fucking tired.

trigger warning :mention of sh /thoughts about it

i look around the bathroom, seeing a box full with random shits from basic things to have extra of them like, toothbrush, toothpaste, razor.

i think for a minute, then starting crying more.

if i never would have self harmed before, relapsing would have never crossed my mind.

and it's crossing my mind. the feeling when i did it to cope with the stress and shit was something else. i started smoking when i realized that i need to recover.

it's been 5 fucking years. five.

and i still think about it.

i still think about grabbing the blade and doing it on my skin. the quilt afterwards, what made me want to do it more but also don't. the fucking voices.

i got shivers at the thought of it.

the thought of what i did that day, when i had enough after fight with both of my parents, comments on my body from everyone and shit.

i won't relapse, specially not in billie's bathroom while she is sleeping on the other side of the wall.

that would kill her.

tw ends.

i threw my clothes off of me, stepping into the shower and opening the water.

i start crying as flashbacks coming into my mind.

"you fucking faggot!" my father yells just after i came out to him. he is standing in the kitchen next to the hallway.

"don't talk to her like that!" my grandfather answers, who i met like three times. he never wanted a daughter, so he never loved my mom. just how like my father never loved me.

"why? you will make me move out huh?"

"you are living in my garden, in my house! another bad word towards her and you are homeless"