i don't need a xanny to feel better, i need you.
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her hand is clenched in a fist, i know she doesn't want to hit me, she calms herself down that way.
i tried to stay calm, because once i lose my mind it's over.
and if i lose mine, she loses her too...
everyone has days when they wake up and literally want to kill themself? i am not on my period but i have these depressive episode.
i felt it coming, i am much hornier lately and i couldn't cry in the past few weeks.
but when the episode arrives, i am not even horny and i cry until i can't breathe.
i hate when i am on a day like this, i am generally very emotional, i take everything to heart but when i have an "episode" like this, it's so bad bro i can't not cry because someone was a bit rude. also i am very mean, i am exhausted and everything makes me wanna kill someone. or myself.
when i was a teenager these episodes were worst than you would think. i did things i shouldn't have during them. i was also in a physic ward for treatment like three times, because my old therapist thought i am like bipolar or borderline. i am not, i am just depressed.
i don't have the energy to get out of my bed.
i turned on the do not disturb and layed my head back down.
thank god i don't work today or tomorrow.
i got out of bed around 1pm. i made myself lunch and a coffee then layed back down turning on skins.
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i posted this in my story, which was my yesterday's lunch but today's is fucking not aesthetic so.
i cried a little on the show, thinking about buying a pack of cigarettes. i sometimes smoke, it's very rare only when i am at my lowest and don't want to cope with anything else.
i am not on my lowest tho, and i won't buy it. it just crossed my mind.
my mind was full with darkness, even though i am a positive person. i see the good in everything, i see the light in the darkness and my glass is always half-full.
however lately all this shits going in my mind made it harder.
i miss my dad, even though i don't want to see him. i know, don't speak ill of a dead but i can't say one good thing he ever did to me.
but he is still my dad.
i miss my mom, we used to be so close. we had a special mother-daughter bond, we were best friends.
after i moved out or what, we talked less and less and i know that she has her own life, and now i have mine in a different state but we barely talk like once a week? once in two weeks?
i want her to show me her love towards me the way she did for 18 years.
i feel like i don't know her that well anymore. what's her life now? is she close with her childhood best friend like she was a year ago? is she seeing someone? does she has new friends? she learned new meals to cook? she visits her sister? she learned how to live without dad?
