xanny - billie eilish gxg ff

thirty-five

ellysa

last part continues

"my mom and dad were always in love, no matter what, they were there for each other. my dad always wanted a boy but his only child came along, which was me. a girl." i was searching for my words, i don't ever tell this whole thing at once to anyone.

"he hated me when i was a baby, never helped my mom when she needed to changed my diaper or anything."

"when i was a toddler he tried to raise me as a boy. made me play soccer and go to practice everyday. he made me eat minimum amount of steak and shit."

"i was always a ballerina kind of girl so hell yes i cried after a minute of soccer. he had enough and after that all he did was avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment. like it was my fault to be a girl."

"i never knew what's wrong with me." i sighed.

"when i was 14 i realized that something is different with me. me and my old friend mia was talking about her boyfriend and that they kissed. then i started thinking about kissing boys and it was just not it."

"there was this really pretty, years older girl who was fucking pretty. her boyfriend was in the same school as us and we always saw them kissing. you know she was the making out in the hallway type girl but all i could think about was her kiss not her boyfriend's. i used to watch "girls kissing" or "barbies kissing" videos on youtube when i was like i don't know 8?" i giggled, trying to not make this conversation this sad.

"yeah i used to do that too," she added but let me continue my shit, even though she can talk when i talk.

"when i came out to my parents my dad started yelling, telling me i am a faggot and sick etc, my mom never really stood up when we had a fight because she loved my dad. she used to tell me to go to my room and she will talk to him and it will change. it never changed, my dad always fought with me every time when he talked to me."

"my mom and i's relationship was always special, i loved her even though she never really did anything to make my dad love me or mentally don't hurt me or some shit, but she was still there for me and supported me."

i took a deep breath and thought about this, because my next few sentences is maybe not a good idea to share.

but she is my girlfriend, who i trust with my whole life.

"although i don't think i will ever completely forget her for letting my dad treat me like that. but i don't show it to her that it hurts and i never will and please don't tell anyone this. i don't want her to know that i feel this way because i love her as fuck and-"

"don't explain yourself baby, i won't tell anyone and i know that you love your mother."

"i was always a skinny girl, and at school in 6 grade people started pointing it out. after a while their "jokes" went from "eat a burger" to "don't even eat that, it won't matter" or they were joking about that i am fat because they thought it was funny saying that to me since i was generally underweight."

"i had depression, anxiety and panic disorder from a young age and after i mentally "grew up" all these shits were stronger. i was once in a hospital due a panic attack but that's not matter here."

"wait it does, what happened? if you are feeling comfortable talking about it." billie looked at me, widening her eyes.

i feel comfortable telling her, it's just weird you know.

"yeah, uh it started off like every other attack but no one could calm me down, not even after 15 minutes and it got worse. i was shaking too much, and i fainted and when i opened my eyes my attack was stronger and i fainted again. they took me to the hospital because i was near to a seizure but the doctors in the ambulance calmed me down with sedative"

"oh my god. where were you?"

"at practice, i was a gymnast but i had stop because i was under eating and i was always fainting and it was dangerous because i was doing bars and shit."

"oh well yeah, understandable."

"yeah, anyways." i sighed. "i'll talk about my depression later, so due to bullying and already eating less and less due to anxiety and stress, i developed anorexia which i was in hospital for too many times, you know i told you about it a few weeks before?"

"yes, of course i remember."

how could she forget? i was trauma dumping her.

"i never recovered from depression. they almost diagnosed me with bipolar disorder but then they realized that i am not bipolar, they also found things what true to a borderline person but thank god i am not borderline either. i am "just" depressed, and i have these depressive episodes. i most of the time happy and love myself and everything but sometimes when i am in the dark i don't really like being here, like at night. but i don't talk about it because you know i don't talk much about my shits what causes worse depressive episodes. i don't like being a pick me either."

"baby, talking about your emotions is not pick me. please, you can talk to me or to lani, or tara. we are all here for you and we don't think you are a pick me."

"there is one thing i don't want to talk about right now, but i will tell you sometimes okay? i don't want to think about that."

"you can tell me whanever you want it lisa, i told you. don't apologize for it."

"okay," i teared up. she talks to me so sweetly and softly and i feel like she is here with me, mentally.

"why are we crying?" she slightly chuckled, pulling me closer.

"because expect lani no one was there for me the way you are." i sobbed. "no one ever talked to me like you do."

"lisa, come here," she said hugging me.

"i am recovered from my eating disorders, i eat less i know but i have an extremely bad stomach pain bil, i know you talked to lani and i know she said that look after my eating but i won't relapse. i don't want to relapse. i promise you."

"she told you?" she asked.

"no." of course lani called billie crying to her to look after me. "but i know her. she is so overprotective over my mental health and she always looks after me. she loves you and she knows that you are here for me so she tells you how to take care of me, even though you know that. and i don't need anyone to take care of me, i need people to be here with me like you do it. i mean yeah, you take care of me, but i see, well i hope that you are not doing this because you feel like you should. you do it because you want to, right?"

"i am trying my best to be there for you baby, because i want to, like i said a million times before lisa, i want to." she said highlighting the i want to. "i am sorry for everything that happened to you but you are strong and you'll get over it with time. you can do it baby."

"thank you," i sobbed again. "billie i really appreciate what you do, i am thankful for you."

"i love you as fuck." she giggled.

"i love you" i said kissing her lips.