The Symphony

Trepidatious Steps

When you are not fed love
on a silver spoon
you learn to lick it off knives.
- Lauren Eden
_______

I've been sitting in front of her house for half an hour now. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready to walk in there again. I've gone over and over whether I should just leave. Act like I forgot or maybe just hope she does. Deep down I know she didn't forget, and I certainly didn't either.

I may regret going but I'd rather look back and regret doing something, than regret doing nothing. So I turn off my car and force myself out. Dragging my feet for as long as humanly possible. I get up to the door and my breath gets caught in my throat. I remember walking out this same door a little over two weeks ago.

Without thinking, I quickly knock on it so there's no going back. I don't consider myself a coward and now is no different. I'm going to see this through, no matter what it entails. I told her I would come and I'm a woman of my word. She opens the door, hair slightly knotted and clothes disheveled.

She looks surprised to see me but she lets me in. "H-hi" she stutters, "hey" I reply softly. She gestures to the living room and I take a seat on the couch. "Do you want anything to drink? Water? Juice?" She asks nervously, "no thank you" I reply. She nods slowly and hesitantly moves to sit on the chair.

"You hate that chair. Come sit on the couch, I'll sit there" I say getting up and she shakes her head. "I said move, Wilhemina" I order and she gets up so we can switch places. "So..." I speak up after a few minutes of silence. "I'm not really sure why I asked you to come over..." she admits and I nod in response.

"But I am really sorry and umm- and I wanted to tell you that in person too. I should've never said that o-or done that because, I was just overthinking. I know you would never do that to me and I just... I was just really stupid" she rambles. "I get it" I reply, "I wish I could take it back" she mutters.

"I know" I state and we just stare at each other for a while. I think both of us are just taking it in for the first time and really sitting with it, together. "I mean... sometimes people just don't work, you know? It's just not meant to be. I think—us being apart—made me realize that... maybe you just don't feel the way I feel about you. And that's ok, I'm ok with that" I voice.

I glance at her after I've finished and she looks shocked. As if I've killed her childhood pet or something. I hear her breathing pick up a bit and before I can ask what's wrong she starts crying. I freeze for a moment, not knowing what to do. I've never been good with emotions, my own or otherwise.

"Ch-Charlie..." she whispers, I move over to the couch and pull her in my arms. "Shhh, you're ok" I whisper in her ear, "no" she exclaims pulling away from me. I open my arms quickly to let her go as she moves abruptly away from me. "I'm not ok— t-this is not ok! I was a bitch a-and now you think..." she takes a deep breath and harshly wipes her face.

"It's really ok, wilh-" "I know it's not because you keep calling me that! Hearing my name from you just—it feels like—dirty" she shudders. She's not wrong, I never call her by her full name. "And you think I don't... Charlie I-" she starts to breathe faster and I can see she's trying hard to calm herself down.

"Hey... just breathe, ok? In... and out... I promise you I'm not mad, alright? I know you wanna get your thoughts out but I need you to breathe first" I instruct calmly. Placing a hand on her arm to try and ground her. She grips onto my hand and pulls it down into her lap. Squeezing it gently as her breathing evens out.

"Thank you... I'm sorry. It's just hearing that you think I don't—that I don't care about you... I really do. I—I love you, Charlie" she cries, staring at our intertwined hands. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life. You mean so much to me and I-" she pauses momentarily, taking a breath.

Her thumb running over my knuckles gently. "I know I haven't shown that to you and that I've been horrible quite frankly. And I don't expect you to- I don't know... I don't want you to take me back. I'm not good enough for you but... but I wish I was because—you really do make me so happy. And I just ruined it like I ruin everything" she says choking back a sob.

I feel tears running down my own face as I listen to her. All of it is beginning to make sense and I wish I could say I don't forgive her. I don't want to forgive her because she really did hurt me, but I can't deny that I love her too. "I love you too" I whisper softly, gripping more onto her hand.

She slowly looks at me and stares into my eyes. "You are good enough and you don't 'ruin everything'. I think maybe you should consider counseling—not that anything is wrong with you. I think it's good for everyone to go at least once because life is hard, you know? And if you don't want to that's ok but if you decide to I'll be with you, every step of the way" I suggest.

"You think it'll help? I want to be better for you—for me. I don't like... being like this" she mutters, "I think it might, it helped me when I needed it. Sometimes we unconsciously hold onto trauma and talking about it to someone unbiased can help" I explain.

"I'm so sorry I said those things about your family—I don't even know them and it was so rude I just-" "don't worry about it" I interrupt. "How- why do you forgive me so easily? You really shouldn't do that... w-what if I just hurt you again? And you just keep forgiving me" she sighs sadly.

"Because I love you... and some things—some people—are worth fighting for" I voice, "thank you, Char... for loving me and—and for making me feel like I'm worth something" she whispers. "Because you are. I think we can work through this, if we can understand each other. And maybe talking about your feelings to someone else first, will help you express them to me" I say.

"I love you" she mutters, her hand coming up to caress my cheek. "I love you too" I reply, placing my hand over hers. "I promise I'll try harder, I want to make it right" she swears, "I know, love. We'll make it work" I assure her. After that we went up to her bed and cuddled until we fell asleep.