Sometimes Love Isn't Enough

Where Are You Now?

*AUTHORS NOTE*

This is set in the PFTW era. For the purpose of this story, both Brendon & Carlyn are 30. They have been married 12 years and have been together 15 years

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My name is Carlyn Parker Urie, wife of Brendon Urie, lead singer of Panic! At The Disco.  I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and sitting by my husbands bedside in Cedars Sinai hospital. 2 nights ago, Brendon was involved in a serious accident and he has been placed into a medically induced coma.  He is currently in the Critical Care Unit attached to a ventilator in order to assist him with his breathing and to take the pressure off of his healing body.  On the night of his accident he underwent emergency brain surgery, to remove a blood clot.  He also underwent orthopaedic surgery on his broken limbs. Thankfully, they have successfully managed to repair the damage to his broken leg and collar bone, and he should make a full recovery from this.  Unfortunately, the severe brain trauma that he sustained in his accident has left him in a serious and critical condition.

Lying here, his face is almost unrecognisable.  His head  has been partially shaved, and a piece of his skull has been removed to help alleviate the swelling Theresa building up in his brain. There are drains coming from his head to collect the blood and cerebrospinal fluid that has built up. The constant beep of the machines that are monitoring his vitals and administering the necessary medications to keep him alive are a constant reminder where we are.

I look at him, willing him to wake up, but I can't seem to actually speak. My mouth feels like cotton wool, dry, and thick. I hold his hand, but I can't seem to  feel him, I am completely numb. Sometimes I wonder if I am even breathing? Suddenly, a kick in my abdomen brings me back into the room. Our baby is letting me know that I am not alone in this nightmare that has known become our lives. I need to look after myself if only for their sake.

This baby that has been so long awaited for. 8 years we have waited, between albums, tours, and years of unexplained infertility and endless cycles of IVF that were sadly unsuccessful, we eventually decided that enough was enough. When you're young you take getting pregnant for granted. It happened once when We were younger, but sadly, I miscarried. We assumed it had happened once, then it would happen again. However, turns out life doesn't work that way. Eventually We came to the conclusion that we couldn't take the heartache anymore. We finally decided to give up on the dream of our own child. Then, 3 years later, it finally happens, I fall pregnant naturally. The joy we felt was immense, but then life decides to be a bitch and rip that happiness right from underneath us. "Brendon? Can you hear me babe?" I whisper to him, barely recognising my own voice, hoping for some type of reaction, but nothing . "Where are you baby? C'mon, give me a sign. Just a squeeze of my hand. Let me know that you can hear me." I beg,  looking at his hand willing it to move, but still nothing happens.

I have been at his bedside for almost 2 days solid. Pete has been trying to get me to go home at least for a few hours, but I can't leave him, not yet. What if something happens and I'm not here?

**Brendons POV**

All I see in front of me is darkness, I can hear faint beeping and whooshing noises. Where am I? Why can't I see or move? I try to move my fingers, but nothing  happens. I will myself to try and remember what has happened? Suddenly, like a clap of thunder, I feel this extreme pain in my head, and I see flashes of images from my life play out in front of me. High school, prom, graduation, a wedding. Is it mine?

I faintly hear some muffled noises in the background. Voices, someone is crying, willing me to wake up. Wake up from what? I don't remember what has happened. Where the hell am I? How long have I been here? What is happening to me?

I know I denounced my faith years ago, but if there is some greater being up there, I hope they can hear my cries for help. I try to remember what has happened, but as my pain begins to subside, I begin to feel myself drifting away again.

Events are playing in my mind like a film reel. Am I dreaming or did these actually happen? I'm playing guitar on some large stage, lights are bright and the music is loud. The crowds I am playing to are big and noisy. Now I'm falling, falling from where though? Did I actually fall from a stage? The music is familiar to me.  Another pain shoots through my head, it feels like I've been whacked on the back of my head with a hammer, well what I would imagine it would feel like. I've never actually been hit in the head with a hammer, well not that I can remember of anyway.

I know who I am. I'm Brendon Urie, lead singer of a band called Panic! At The Disco. The music I recognise is my own. Did if have an accident whilst on tour? Yet again my memories begin to fade as I drift off into oblivion, yet again.