Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Dusk |17

A couple hours pass and I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling in the pure darkness. I stay there, looking at Daria, who has finally fallen asleep. I lift myself from the bed and get off as I quietly as I could to not wake her up. I was still in the clothes I wore when I went out, so I just put my shoes on. I walked over to the door and unlocked it, making a slight creek as I open it. I walk out and shut the door silently. I run down the hallway, tiptoeing slightly as it was late. My eyes started to water as I rushed down the flight of stairs, and running to the entrance of the hotel. I go outside into the dusk. The wind blew through my unbrushed brown hair and my coarse skin. I could feel my tears escaping out of my eyes as I ran to sit on a ledge by the road. And that's where I let it all out. I started sobbing uncontrollably, trembling as I placed my hands on my head and looked at the concrete ground. This feeling of jealousy dragged me into a paradox of anger, envy and confusement. It made me think to myself. Was I in love? Or am I just Obsessed? My head spins and I cry. I feel the warm tears stream down my face and the cold air battling against my face. I didn't know what to do. How to stop feeling like this, for someone who doesn't love me. I wish I could just end these thoughts somehow. I wish I knew how. I wish.

I heard the doors of the hotel open behind me and I jump. I turn around to see someone I didn't expect.

"Gustav?" I whisper as I sob quietly under my breath.

"I heard crying in the corridor and saw you run down the stairs..." He replies, looking at me, "Are you okay Kristina? Please, speak to me."

I sit there, my eyes still watering. "Gustav I'm just really lost right now. I feel so empty..." I stare at Gustav as he stares at the floor.

"We can talk." He says quietly.

My body shakes slightly as I reminisce the moments earlier in the day. I feel myself feel lightheaded and start sobbing uncontrollably again. "Its Daria."

"What about her?..." He replies in a slight whisper.

"I haven't told anyone this before... Can you please promise to not tell anyone?" I say before placing a pinky finger near him. We interlock pinkies and both shake it slightly. He nods at me.

"I promise"

I gather myself and try to calm down slowly but it was difficult. The feeling just overwhelmed me and I couldn't control myself. I tried to just get it other with.

"Well... I have always... Loved Daria..." I mumble, starting to tear up again, "Ever since we were little kids, she was the only one who actually... gave a shit about me. She was the only person who believed in me and tried to be there for me whenever she could. I genuinely love her so much, to the point where I have had a crush on her for 6 years. Each year I feel myself falling for her more, yet each year it feels like she's drifting away from me. You see... Daria doesn't like girls. She's straight. And this is why it's difficult, knowing you love someone but you would never had a chance, even if you tried... And now... Seeing her, kissing, loving other people... It just... I..." I start to cry uncontrollably, not being able to continue my sentence.

Gustav put his arm around my shoulders before speaking, "I am so sorry Kristina... This is an awful situation to be in, but I understand, something similar happened to me..."

I look at him, "Really?... What do you mean?..."

"I haven't ever told anyone either... About a best friend I had, She was so kind to me and cared for me. I was also confused, I couldn't help but feel myself become closer to her each time we talked. She was like my therapy. Everyday made me love her more. I know how it feels to love someone like that who you know you would never have a chance with... It hurts bad." Gustav mumbles, "She found a girlfriend and I found myself distancing myself away from her. When our contacts were eventually cut off completely it was then I realised that this love I had with her, wasn't because I loved her. It's because she treated me the way no body ever would; she treated me like a person. I got bullied back in school and never really talked. Everyone treated me like I was a nothing. It hurt me bad. I distanced myself from everyone and talked to no one but her. It made me think that she was the only person in the world that cared for me... But that wasn't true. Once I lost her, I decided to gather myself and talk up. I would talk up to those who disrespect me, and talk to those who were nice. Eventually I learnt that lots of people cared for me, I just didn't see it, because I was blinded of love towards her. The only thing I wished I could've done, is done it earlier. It would have saved me so much extra pain. If you don't have a chance with her, trying won't make it better, it will make you worse... Holding on hurts more than letting go."

I stare, completely out of words. I look at Gustav and smile.

"I'm starting to learn that, maybe you're right..." I reply, wiping the tear stains from my cheek, "Thank you for always talking to me Gustav, I really appreciate your advice."

"No problem." He says before getting up from the curb and walking back to the hotel, waving at me goodbye.

I wave back and turn back to stare at the dusk in-front of me, thinking of Gustav's words. 'Holding on hurts more than letting go'

The words echoed through my head as I calm myself, maybe this is for the best. I lift myself up and start walking back to the hotel, going up the elevator. I go down the hallway quietly and open the door to our room slowly. I go inside and lock the door before tiptoeing over to the bed where Daria was fast asleep. I quietly pull my suitcase from underneath my bed and open it; getting my nightclothes out and getting changed.

I let out a sigh, as I quietly tucked myself into the bed, facing away from Daria. The words echoed through my head again 'It's because she treated me the way no body ever would; he treated me like a person'.

I closed my eyes. I wanted to change. For the better.