Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Time |36

*The final week has ended, Kristina and Daria are beginning to pack their bags to fly home. Both you and Daria shared the same sad feeling of having to leave.*

Daria sighs quietly, "Those 3 months flew right past me... I'm going to miss it here, and all this company." She packs her final folded pair of Miss Me bootcut jeans into her suitcase before zipping it up. I just stared at my bag, not packing anything away. "Come on Kristina. Our taxi will be here soon and you haven't packed shit..."

Just thinking of going home sickened me. Home sickness, literally. I grown so used to this perfect life in Germany I had just forgotten about my shitty home life. Now I have no other choice but to go back. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"Kristina, are you alright?" Daria kneels besides me, looking into my eyes before taking a deep breath in and out, "Look.. I know you don't want to go back but we kind of have to... Otherwise we would be considered immigrants if we stayed!" She burst out laughing.

"Do you think this is some kind of fucking joke?" My voice rose drastically, "I'm so scared. I'm horrified to go back. You're so fucking insensitive sometimes you know?!" I burst out into uncontrollable tears, curling up into a ball. I saw Daria running to me from the corner of my eye. My breathing became faster and my heart beat irregularly. My head felt light and everything flashed for a split second before my vision gave way. Everything went black.

***********************************************

???

I was inside my own mind again. This feeling was too familiar. I don't know how many times this has happened to me, but it happens more and more often. This room is black with glass shards surrounding me. I look up to see yet another mirror.

Staring into my reflectionless reflection. I start to cry again. My self worth has been completely disintegrated into nothing more than a lifelong emotion of never ending guilt. The guilt has taken over me completely. It has taken over who I am, how I act, and my own person. Staring into this mirror with no reflection. Am I a person or am I just guilt itself. Am I just an emotion now? The person in me no longer exists.

This isn't about being sad about leaving this perfect place. This perfect place has never existed. You just made this all up in your head to escape from reality. Guilt is a tiring feeling. It slows you down. You never want to admit what you have done because you don't want to hurt anyone else, but most importantly yourself. So you hold on to the feeling of guilt until it finally kills you. Until it finally breaks you and you become nothing more than the guilt you have conceived.

You can't sleep your life away. You need to face reality and come clean to your past actions. You need to wake up Kristina. You never actually had any of these experiences. You never had an unreal experience of being with your ideal significant other. You just imagined a perfect life, yet you know the guilt and past will still find its way into your dreams. You can't escape from it. But what you can do is confess.

"Confess?" I stuttered quietly, still staring at the empty mirror.

Confession of that night.

"No. I won't."

Do you really want to rot your life away because of this... Inconvenience?

"Inconvenience?... Whoever you are... Is that all it is to you?! You wouldn't know!" I scream, my voice echoing multiple times into the distance.

I do know... Are you forgetting that I'm you?

"Don't even start with this 'I'm you' bullshit again! Leave me alone! I'm happy here!!"

Oh... But you aren't. I'm here to remind you of what you have done. You can't get away with a homocide and face the guilt that comes with it forever. It will kill you if you don't confess Kristina. Besides...

"SHUT THE FUCK UP. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!" I yell. You start clawing your face with your bitten nails, but its no use. You start ripping out chunks of your hair but nothing is coming out. You look at your 'hands' but nothing is there. You look up to the mirror to finally see a reflection.

"Is this really the path you want to go down?" Said the figure looked like you. They laughed hysterically.

You were in disbelief. You didn't know what to do but cry. It's not like you even existed anymore. You had no other option but to succumb to confession.

"FINE! I WILL APOLOGISE. I WILL CONFESS!!" You screamed helplessly.

No response.

Was it too late?

You don't know, do you? Typical.