Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Thoughts |18

I shuffle myself from one side to the other, tossing and turning continuously. I try to close my eyes but thoughts flooded my mind. I faced towards the ceiling that was above me. I stared whilst the thoughts rushed through my head. I was in the biggest state of confusement. I don't know wether I love Daria, or love the way she treats me. The paradox of my thoughts suck me in, leading me into a insomniac position. I couldn't go to sleep. I felt beads of cold sweat form and drip from my forehead. I was lost yet found at the same time. Gustav's words muddled with my mind. I don't know wether he's helping or making it worse. But at-least most my questions have been answered by Gustavs speech. Perhaps I have fallen head over heels and have been blinded by a love that doesn't exist. But then on the other hand she's just beautiful, that's what I love about her. I can't decide which I want... A man, or a women. I look down from the ceiling to face Daria, who was knocked out in her sweet sleep. Gustav's words reappeared in my mind.

"I didn't love her, I loved the way she treated me; she treated me like a person."

Every-time I took a glance at Daria, Gustav's words would immediately appear in my head again. It's like they were helping me notice something, but I feel like I wouldn't understand until later.

I let out a long sigh and continued to toss and turn despite the constant paranoia overwhelming me. I have never thought like this before, the words were messing with me bit by bit. I felt dizzy the more times I repeat the words, perhaps I was just in denial. I had enough.

I got out the bed and walked over to the mini kitchen, seeing a packet of cigarettes hidden behind the microwave. It was Daria's but one wont hurt, right? The lighter was on-top of the microwave. I grabbed a sheet of rolling paper, a filter and placed the tobacco inside, rolling it up. I ignite the end of the lighter and smoke it. I go out of the kitchen to go to the balcony in the next room. I take a step outside and stare at the vast dusk beyond. The smoke drifts lightly through the sky as I observe each star, forming constellations. This calms me down all the time... It was something I used to do with my mum. Why did she have to die like that? I always ask myself if there was any way I could've prevented her death. But I know that as much as I thought about it, it was bound to happen. My mum's Borderline Personality Disorder affected everyone around her, especially her. On top of that, she would commonly hallucinate, causing her to become paranoid and sensitive. Her mood changed extremely quickly, one second we were playing dolls and the next second she was curled up in a ball crying hysterically in the corner of my parents room. I can see how bad her mental health was, there was no way to fix it.

I finish the cigarette and throw it away from the balcony before returning inside. I was feeling light so I thought going to bed as soon as possible would be the best option. I hopped into the bed and closed my eyes, finally.

After some time, my eyes gave way and finally shut down, and so did my mind. But not my thoughts.