Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Put On An Act |33

My eyes open abruptly, I couldn't move. I stared at the blank ceiling, cold sweat dripping from my forehead. I sat up and wiped off the sweat with my palm. The dream was still clear in my memory, just thinking about it made me feel sick, guilty and hopeless. But I don't want to give it what it wants, I still want to live; for Daria... Even if she doesn't love me. I just hope she can fall in love with me before I die, thats all I wish for. For her love. Then I can finally rest in peace, knowing someone I love, loved me back.

I turned my head to look at the alarm clock beside me on the bedside table. The time read; 7:03. Daria was still asleep, looking like she slept well. I ought to wake her up, so she doesn't miss breakfast. I take a deep breath and try to gather myself to calm down from my dream; still lurking around my mind. I exhale, putting my hand on Daria's shoulder, shaking it slightly.

"Daria... Daria. It's time to wake up, come on." I mumble quietly, but loud enough so she can hear me.

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and she looked at me, "Good morning Kris." She said in a tired voice, with a smile following on.

"...Morning." I replied hesitantly, putting on a new shirt and my shoes.

She looks at me, "Not a good morning, huh?" Daria hesitates, "It's fine I understand, You can talk to m-" She pauses, "You know what, don't worry... Sorry Kris I'm not really good with that..."

I sigh, "...Don't worry I'm fine, remember what the doctor said, don't stress, you have no reason to." I smile at her and start walking towards to open the door and go downstairs, "You coming?"

"I might be 30 minutes late or so... Can you maybe save me something?" Daria yells as I walk out, "I need to get changed and do my makeup!"

I roll my eyes and laugh, "Ria... It's literally breakfast, no one will care about how you look. Plus saving food is forbidden so-"

"Oh whatever... It doesn't matter. You have to learn to live a little, breaking one measly rule won't be the end of you." Daria snickers, getting out of bed and starting to get ready.

"...Fine." I sigh, shaking my head before walking out and shutting the door, "Bye!"

"Bye!" Daria's voice echoed as I walked through the long corridor alone.

I'm alone again, I hated it. I hate being alone with my feelings and my thoughts. I know that being alone with my thoughts will eventually lead up to them getting what they want. But I didn't want to die, not yet.

I thought that maybe I have to just live life a little more. After all, I was trapped in my room most my life, isolated and away from everyone.

I walked further along the long corridor. The subtle sounds of my footsteps echoed. It reminded me of that awful night. The night of an argument. When I stepped through the door and I just lost it. But it wasn't me. It was them. It seems that whatever I try doing, I can't block them out anymore. They are always living there, in the back of my mind. I tend not to think about it, but how can I not? It's like it feeds off my misery and really wants me gone. I don't want to give it what it wants. I won't. I still want to live for Daria. I still want to live for myself additionally but whenever I think of myself in the future, its foggy. Nothing is there. I can't imagine myself living up to my future, after all, I wouldn't be anything but a burden.

I eventually reached the end of the corridor to face a flight of stares. I looked away from it abruptly to face the elevator instead. I pressed the button desperately and it opened a couple seconds later. Inside the elevator, to my surprise, was Gustav.

I gave a subtle smile, "Oh hey Gus... I wasn't expecting you here... Are you not going to eat breakfast?"

Gustav noticed and looked at me, "Hey Kristina. No, I'm not hungry really."

I realised Gustav looked a bit pale, "...Are you sure? You look a bit rough."

"Yeah... I just feel a little bit sick, but I'm fine."

"Try to drink some water maybe... I have some paracetamol if you want." I suggested as I turn my direction to walk beside him.

"Thanks." He mumbled politely.

We walked quietly down the long corridor. Not being alone felt better, its a distraction to me. I was grateful that I was friends with Gustav, he was really nice and a chill guy to be around.

We got to my room, I opened the door slowly. I couldn't believe my eyes, but why was I surprised?

On the bed, Daria and Bill were making out, god, second time.

"Oh my god! I thought you went to get breakfast!" Daria squeals embarrassed, wiping off her smudged lipstick off her lips. Bill got up too, he wiped the stains of red off his lips. He gave a small embarrassed laugh.

I really tried to contain my jealousy so I rolled my eyes and took a deep breath. "So are you ready or not?" I attempted asking in a jokingly manner, but ended up sounding stern.

Daria walks up to me, "I'm sorry... Are you alright Kris?..." She whispers.

I sigh, "...Yes. Why?" I smile.

"Oh... Nothing. Don't worry about it." She replied smiling back, "Come on Bill... Let's go. We don't want to keep the others waiting." She winked.

I gagged under my breath but shrugged it off as I rolled my eyes for the second time. I just wish I wasn't in love with her... I really see no point in trying to get her to love me back. I just want to stop feeling this way. I turned my attention back to Gustav. I suddenly remembered the main reason why I came to my room in the first place. Poor guy was waiting for about 5 good minutes until I realised.

"Sorry Gus, I will get you some water and paracetamol right now." I said, walking to the tap as Daria and Bill walked past me and through the door. I filled up a cup of water for him and took a paracetamol pack that lay on the counter. I popped one tablet out and gave it to Gustav, along with hid water, "There... Hopefully you will be feeling better soon."

"Thanks Kristina, you're so nice." Gustav smiles, despite his rough mood, he looks at me, "But are you feeling okay?"

"...Yeah." I check out of the door to see if they have left yet before turning back to Gustav, "Actually no... I still love her. I tried everything you told me, but I still love her..."

Gustav looked sad for me, and he looks to the ground, "...Well I guess it will just be that way... You can't really have everything in life."

"...I guess." I sigh, "I just want some love you know?"

"Yeah... I was there too. I've given up. You shouldn't though. I know theres someone who loves and cares about you." Gustav mumbles, "...I know someone who always wont stop talking about you."

I was stunned and I turned my head towards Gustav, "...Really? Who?"

"I'm not really supposed to sa-"

"Its fine, you can tell me." I looked at him enthusiastically.

"Fine... Don't tell him I said so." He laughed, "It's Tom!"

I was taken aback, "Tom? Tom likes me? He talks about me?!" I became a bit flustered.

He laughs, "Yeah. He's always asking about you and where you are. I guess you do have someone that loves and cares for you." He smiles, "I'm one of the people that care about you but I'm not really a romantic you know."

"I'm surprised... I really didn't expect some of this." I giggled, still a bit red.

"I'm feeling better now, thanks." Gustav says before standing up to walk out, "I'm going to go in my room now, but hopefully we can meet again sooner or later."

"Ok! Bye Gustav!" I reply before we both wave to each-over and I shut the door. I ran to my bed and threw myself onto it. It felt surreal being told that someone loves me. But I don't know whether its just pure sympathy or pure love. Guess theres only one way to find out.