Suffering, Silenced ~[A Tokio Hotel Story]~

Trust |21

My vision is black and my eyelids flutter, I sit up and stretch when all of a sudden:

"Kristina!~" Daria squeals as she randomly appears next to me on the bed.

"Holy shit! You scared me..." I say jumping slightly, "Wait... Were you waiting for me to wake up?!" I stuttered uneasily, feeling a little bit uncomfortable.

She stares at me, probably realising how weird and creepy that was, "Oh... Yeah, about that... Whatever! Ignore that!" She replies, "But that's besides the point... You need to tell me what happened last night!!"

I stare at her in disbelief... Didn't I tell her what happened yesterday?... Clearly she thinks something is going on, but there really isn't...

"I've already told you Daria... We were only talking." I reply sternly, "...And listening to music. Nothing else!"

"Mhm... Totally."

"Daria!..." I mumble, "Nothing happened."

"Fine. 'Nothing happened'." Daria laughs, as she forms her hand in the quoting position.

I sigh and decide to get ready for breakfast anyway. I get off the bed and walk over to the kitchen. I look behind me to see if Daria was looking; she had her back turned. I rushed over to behind the microwave, scavenging my hand through the back but received nothing in return... I peeped my head closer to the microwave; but nothing... Cold sweat started forming on my forehead as I search for my cigarettes but they weren't there. Shit. Daria must've found them and hid them somewhere...

I scurry around the kitchen, looking through every possible hiding spots... But no luck.

Daria seems to spot me, "...What are you doing Kris?"

I immediately turn around, caught off guard. I stare at Daria for a moment, "...Where did you put them?..." I start biting my skin around my nails on my fingers, I know I said I would quit; but it's too difficult. I just needed one last hit to make me feel fine.

Daria goes pale, "...You said you quit!! I'm not giving them back!" She yells, grabbing me by my arm, "I can't deal with this, not again. Let's go get breakfast right now."

I yank my arm back, "Why do you fucking care?!"

"It's not good for you, especially for your mental health, when will you get it?" She mumbles, looking at the ground, "Let's just get breakfast, please."

"Just give me my cigarettes Daria..." I whisper, following her on as she tries to walk out the door.

I get no reply, I had no choice but to just follow Daria to breakfast. We walked through the corridor and I kept apologising simultaneously; but she was giving me the silent treatment.

"Please Daria... I'm sorry, it's just hard." I stutter, "Daria!... You know what, you can keep them and throw them away, I will quit for real this time!"

Daria stops and looks me in the eyes, disbelief is written all over my face. I went pale, this meant she didn't trust me anymore. The only person in the world who cares for me, doesn't even trust my words anymore.

"You have said that too many times Kristina, you need to sort this out and go to a rehab of some sort, it really affected you." She replies, putting her hands on my shoulders and looking me dead in the eye, "...But you always refuse and say you can do it yourself."

I was speechless. The only person who cared about me, doesn't believe in me either; oh how my life keeps getting better. I let out no reply and turned away from Daria, I tried to pretend to not care about what she had to say; but in reality it hurt, really badly.

We got to an elevator and I was suffocating in the silent atmosphere... Daria kept glaring at me; in disappointment. The air was tense, I kept replaying the words she said in my mind. Each time, it felt like a knife was stabbing into my stomach, each time harder and deeper. Once again, I'm met with my old friend; guilt... The guilt ate me up slowly and swallowed me whole, I am sucked into a paradox of my mind for a moment. Each thought flooded the paradox that surrounded me, I feel myself on the edge, slowly loosing myself as days passed. It felt like I was alone as the cold dark earth caresses me. Each situation adds on more and more stress to my mind. And all I'm able to do... Is let it happen.

"Kristina? Kristina!" A voice blares through my mind.

I snap out of it, to see that I was on the elevator floor, curled up in a ball. Daria looks at me worryingly, but her face changes into a sympathetic look as I stare at her. I look back down immediately.

"Oh my god... Are you alright Kristina?..." She asks, in a bit of a panicky tone, "You just collapsed onto the ground?!"

I gather myself and stand up, wobbling a bit and holding onto the hand railings on the elevator. I look back at her, "I'm alright."

"You aren't okay. You can tell me what's going on." She replies in a brisk voice.

"...No." I say abruptly, "I'm fine, okay Daria? I don't need your constant sympathy. Or is that also too difficult for you?!"

Daria looks taken aback, once again I regretted my words. But I have fucked up enough already, I can't do anything about that. I just hope nothing else happens.

Daria's POV:

I'm speechless. Kristina's never snapped at me like this... I don't know what to do. Something I said or done has caused this, she never acted like this before. Even so, she would always keep it to herself.

I continue walking to the cafeteria as Kristina trails behind me a couple metres away. I just needed to talk to someone about this, Kristina was making me feel something I've never really felt before; I felt anxious... It was strange.

We finally got to the VIP room and I sat down next to Bill.

"Hey good-morning, Ria" Bill says, smiling.

"Hey Daria." Tom and Georg say in sync, Gustav giving a little wave.

"Hey... Where's Kris- Oh!" Tom questions as Kristina walks in seconds after, "Hey Kristina! Good-morning."

"Hey Kristina." Both Bill and Georg say. Gustav giving a smile to her.

Kristina sat down silently next to Tom and Gustav. I stared at her, but she didn't make any eye contact with me. She stared at the table and then looked up to eavesdrop on a conversation that was happening on the table.

"Let's go somewhere again, it's getting kinda boring just staying in this hotel" Tom complained to the rest of the band, clearly suggesting the fact we were going to to somewhere today.

"Like where, Tom?" Bill scoffed.

"I don't know... Maybe... We can go see a movie in the cinema?.." He suggests, Georg immediately starting to nod his head.

"Yes! Let's go to the cinema." Georg replies.

Gustav looks over, probably waiting for Kristina's choice, but Kristina continues staring in silence.

"So when are we going?" I say, smiling and turning to Bill.

"If you want to go, then we will" Bill says as he exchanges a smile back to me, "What about you Kristina? You want to tag along?"

Kristina's POV:

A voice blared through my ears once again, my daydreaming came to an end. I snap back to reality as I realise someone asked me about something. It took me a moment to process what was said. I stared into nothing for a couple seconds before replying, "...Alright..."

Gustav and Tom smile at me.

It won't hurt to join another social activity would it? I just hope nothing else happens...