One In The Same - Jess Mariano

When It Stops Burning, Time Is Up

CW: Mentions of sexual assault

  Lorelai rushes into the hospital room, and Y/N takes her leave as she is comfortable with the fact that she wouldn't be leaving Rory alone. Jess had said he would follow them to the hospital soon, insisting he wasn't injured, but it had been an hour or so and he still hadn't shown. Y/N let the worried pit in her stomach grow as she busies herself taking care of Rory, but now that she was out leaving the hospital, she felt sick, uneasy at what could be taking him so long.

  She sprinted out into the street, rushing around town to search for him. Her eyes were starting to blur with tears. She bumped into Luke in the midst of her panicked run.

  "Woah, are you okay? Are you crying? Did they find something wrong with Rory?"

  "Stop asking so many questions!" She bursts out, before starting to sob. "I'm okay, she's okay. Where is Jess?"

  "He's fine, he's shaken up but he's fine," He pulls her shaking frame into a tight hug, rubbing her back to calm her.

  "Okay," She finds her breath, "Where is he Luke?"

  "He wants a little time to himself. He explained everything to me and I know it wasn't his fault, it was just an accident,"

  "I feel sick. I thought maybe he was hurt and just didn't say anything, or he didn't realise. I can't breathe," Luke just pulls her in tighter.

  "He's okay. You're okay. Come on kiddo, let's go see Rory and Lorelai, okay?" She nods, still sniffing.

-

  "Hey, Y/N. Would you be okay to stay around tonight? Rory could probably use an extra hand, you know, cause her's is... inactive,"

  "I kind of wanted to check up on-"

  "Y/N, it is fine. Don't worry about him, really," Luke's voice seems off, like he is keeping something but Y/N doesn't really read into it.

  "Sure. I'll help with Rory tonight," Luke smiles and nods.

  "Thank you. We're all done here now I guess. You ready for bed sweetie?" She asks Rory, pulling her gently from the hospital bed she was perched on. Rory nods in agreement.

  "Hey, can I be the first to sign your cast?" Y/N pulls out a sharpie from her pocket. "Promise I won't write anything dirty,"

  "Oh don't make that promise! That means I have to make that promise," Lorelai laughs. It's the first time she has smiled for this whole night, it has a knock on effect to Y/N too. She finally feels like everything will be just fine.

-

  "I'm so glad you're here," Y/N is stirred from her sleep by the sound of hushed voices coming from the kitchen. She looks over to Rory, who is fast asleep, and then sits up, listening in.

  "Me too. How's she doing?" Y/N recognises that deeper voice, but her brain is foggy and barely awake yet.

  "She's in a cast,"

  "I know,"

  "The doctor said she'll be fine, he'll take it off in a couple of weeks. The car is totally gone and I have to call the insurance guy tomorrow and. . .I don't know," Y/N creeps over to the door, being careful to stay quiet. She opens the door and leaves, closing it gently behind her. She follows the voices to the kitchen where she sees Lorelai sitting with...

  "Christopher?" She wishes now that she was still in a dream, that this whole picture in front of her was a visage.

  "Y/N," He replies.

  "What is he doing here?" Y/N doesn't move from her spot, scared to get too close to him, as though he were a wild animal that would attack anything that made a sudden movement.

  "He's just checking on Rory. I'm sorry I didn't know that he would show up here, I called him because I was scared. I promise I didn't tell him to come here,"

  "Can we go outside to talk please... I don't wanna wake Rory up," Y/N's voice is weirdly steady and calm, and she grabs her coat from the chair she left it on earlier.

  "Of course," Lorelai opens the door to the back porch. Y/N pulls out her pack of cigarettes and a lighter from her pocket, lighting one up.

  "You shouldn't smoke," Christopher says, his tone a pretty convincing parental one. Y/N just scoffs a laugh after a drag and shakes her head.

  "You see this. The way the ash starts to extend down it slowly, the paper burning away, even when I don't smoke it. Think of it as your timer to say what you wanna say to me. When it stops burning, time is up and I'm gone. So, floor's all yours,"

  "Y/N. I came back last time because I needed to apologise. I know there's nothing I could really say to you to excuse that I wasn't a real father to you your whole life. You don't have to forgive me, I probably don't deserve it, but I need you to know that it haunts me every day. All the stuff that I did, the people I brought into our home, what you must have seen... That man... William," Y/N sucks in a breath at the name. The man who continues to stain her mind everytime she's touched, even to this day. It's like his hands are all over her again. "He told me what he did. The sick bastard, he confessed to me. I felt like I wanted to puke. I wanted him dead, but I also know that he couldn't have done it if I wasn't there to let him in the door. I invited the worst people into our lives. Your life. And I can't go back and fix anything, and it has been killing me,"

  Y/N's cigarette went out from the breeze, but she remained unaware. Just staring deadly into her father's eyes. "I can't stop thinking about the fact that you went through everything because of me, and I left you alone to deal with it. I shipped you off, without a real plan. And then when I look back on it... I don't recognise myself. I mean, it's unforgivable, what kind of a man would put his daughter in a situation like I did, and then just throw her to the wolves? All I want is to dedicate the rest of my life making up for all the wrong doings, all the mistakes I made, because I never want to be that man again. I want nothing to do with who I used to be, the only pieces I want back are my family... my children, You."

  Y/N lets the tab slip from her fingers, and she wipes the stray tear that let itself descend her cheek. "I need to go. It's been a shitty day, and I can't do this right now," Christopher moves to stop her leaving but Lorelai places a hand on his chest, keeping him in the chair. "That doesn't mean I won't ever," Y/N finishes, then goes back into the house, changing from Rory's spare slippers into her own shoes, and leaves, heading straight for home. Straight for the person she wants comfort from the most. The one she confided in completely.

  Jess.