I wish you loved me in the ways I did.
I didn't want someone else, not him, not her.
You
So why couldn't that happen? Why couldn't you love me?
Was I really that bad?
Was it that easy to let go of what we had?
I don't know..and that's the problem.
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I don't bother going down the stairs, I'm not hungry. I didn't have a stomach after last night. The tears, the fear in his eyes, the fear in mine. All of it is something I don't want to see again. So I'll shut my phone off, put it far away from my grasp. Turn off the lights, let the dark seep into this room. I don't bother keeping my eyes open, the more I do that, the more it makes him show up. Theo, please why won't you just go away.
I want to cry, so much, more than I ever have. Because I didn't just lose him, I'm losing myself. His death shattered me, I couldn't leave this bed for days. It wasn't a place to rest, more like a tomb. His tomb that is now created for me, is this how he felt? Wrapped up in the sheets of a hospital bed? Slowly waiting for his end? Am I ending, just like he did? It feels like it, so why don't I play the part. I slowly get up, my slippers skidding against the carpet as I go to the closet.
I grab a box, i stare at it for minutes before opening it. How can I look at him the same, when he isn't the same? I slowly peak in it, staring at the photos, the memories. I thought I wasted all my tears, but here they are. Running down my face in crashing waves. I guess It's storming now, I drop the box as my body crashes to the floor. I hold my head in my hands, wishing I could stop this feeling. But I'm too late, he is gone.
And so am I.
I clench my chest, trying to breathe this feeling away. To breathe the pain away that slowly spreads to my heart. Is this what heartbreak feels like? Because I'm sure I'm breaking. It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's all my fault. I gasp in huge breaths as my heart races in desperation. I try to stand up, to close the box. To hide the evidence of me ever opening it. But it's already there, his smile staring back at me.
I can't scream at him, or be angry, when the only anger I feel is towards myself. My hands shake as they lead to the box, fully opening it as sobs escape past me. I stare at it, all of it as tears continue to fall. I thought he would stay for a while, to hug me and get better. I took his sickness too lightly. He lied, saying he was going to get better. That he was going to come back. But in the back of his mind, he knew. He wasn't going to last.
Bit by bit, he tore himself apart. I couldn't save him, because he stopped trying. There wasn't any point. Theo, why didn't you just keep fighting. Why, why,!! Why! You had me, and our parents, were supposed to be family. Family doesn't leave like that, they don't give up! You promised, that you would be fine! But you weren't! You died, in front of me. I couldn't hold you, seeing your body limp against the hospital bed.
Seeing mom's tears, and dad shaking at the other end. I just left the hospital, letting my feet take over. I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't Theo. You're gone, I can't get past that. You were my brother, you were there for me. You remember don't you? Every time I cried about a stupid guy that stood me up or mean girls at school. You held me, you never judged me, you loved me.
