I wish you loved me in the ways I did.
I didn't want someone else, not him, not her.
You
So why couldn't that happen? Why couldn't you love me?
Was I really that bad?
Was it that easy to let go of what we had?
I don't know..and that's the problem.
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*Liv's Pov!*
Having a dog is stressful, but at the same time it makes you have purpose. It's something to come home too, to jump at your feet and take care of. It might not be easy, but she is the closest thing I have to home. My parents might be nice people, but they don't really know me. I think my notebooks know more about me then my parents do.
Anytime I feel distant from people, I write. It doesn't have to be about how I'm feeling, or what I wanna do. It can be about anything, something to distract myself from the world. I always hide my important papers, those are my mind written down. Prized possessions that don't wish to be seen. So I honor them by keeping them locked away in my closet.
I wanted to write again, but my phone stops that.
I looked down too see two messages from Alice.
Messages- ALICE <3
Alice: Hey
Alice: Do you want to go to Wynter's this weekend?
Why?: Liv
Alice: She is doing a little party of just the friend group, to calm the storm.
Alice: but....
What is it?: Liv
Alice: Jason will be there
That's not good at all, I'll come. When is it?: Liv
Alice: In two days on Saturday, I gotta work now so I'll ttyl
The thought of seeing Jason again made my stomach hurt. But I couldn't let him bother me, I had more important things to worry about. So instead, I headed to the park. It was getting dark out, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be away for a second. Luckily it's right across the street from my house, so getting there didn't even take me five minutes.
*
My feet hit the mulch, crunching against my shoes. The sky was dark with clouds surrounding it. Cold air hit me so fast I wanted to fall asleep in the shills. Every shiver gave me a sense of warmth. I wanted to stay here forever, in a jacket, on a swing, just forgetting about my life. I walked further into the park, finally seeing the rusty chairs on chains and immediately getting on one.
As I went higher on the swing I slowly closed my eyes. I let go, I breathed in, I let the wind fall into each strand of my hair. I never felt so at peace, everyone has a happy place. This is mine, the park. It might sound childish and sad. But it isn't. Come on, think about it, as a child and growing up. The park was always a fun place to go to, right? I mean, I remember running to the park with such a bright smile that it could light up the whole world.
I could take over the world with all the passion I used to have. It was easy to let go back then, it's so much harder now. life hits you, and before you realize it your...not a child anymore. Your not playing in the sand, your not going down slides. Your going down something different, a path.
A path that can make or break you. Keep you or tear you apart. It makes you make choices, hard ones. The pressure feels so deep that it sinks into your skin. It suffocates you, drowns out happy thoughts and replaces them with anger, frustration, resentment, hatred. All the things your child mind would never feel.
They loved everyone and everything, they saw the good in life. But that child you were isn't you anymore, there dead. You can try to rebuild back that child like happiness. But as your fingernails are stained with dirt and your covered in sweat. You open your casket to realize there is just a corpse. No soul, no feeling, no guilt. Just the old you, the person you were. Sitting there dead, and you didn't see it until now.
So yes, I came back here to swing till I become nauseous and couldn't breathe.
But it's better than accepting the fact that I don't know who I am anymore. No one does, my own friends don't even know me. They say they care about me, but how could they? Do you text me first? Do you try to come see me? Do you even give a damn about me? No, you don't.
I could do everything I can for them. And still, it isn't enough. They always end up leaving. But this park, it never does. It stays put in the ground, sharing the same dirt as the pieces in my casket. It brings life to these thoughts. I might be right, I might be wrong. I don't care, all I know is that...this will never be a question.
It will always just be there.
Even when the people you love isn't. The swings will always be there to make you fly again. The teeter totter will always balance you when you can't yourself. The monkey barks will help you hold yourself up when you feel like falling. That's something a person could never do.
I don't know If I'm telling a story when I'm saying this. Or if I'm just giving you reality. But either way, it's true. No one stays forever, there minds will always drift and question if they even like you. It doesn't matter how close you are with them either.
You can move schools, hope and pray that they'll still care the same. That they will reach out, it might last a happy second. But soon those seconds turn into days, and hours, and months until your left with...radio silence. You wish they would care enough again, to show that you want to be there for them.
But in the end it doesn't matter, I hard to learn that
The
Hard
Way.
People come and go, no buts. That's it, people come, and then they go. That's the end of it. So as me I'm saying this to the world. If you have a friend, show them you love them! Cherish them, tell them how you feel, give them all you can because they might leave before you can...
You only live once, so don't waste it. If you love someone, fucking show it. You hear me? Anyone reading this, show it. Give a fuck, because I do. I would do anything for my friends, so you do the same. You might not know me well, but as Liv I'm saying to cherish the people that you should be.
Give them the world, until they end up leaving it.
Because who knows, you never know when they will just...
