Fated - Remus Lupin Fanfic

Chapter 18 | Drunken Words

"Are you sure you want to come tonight?" Pandora asked as she put on her heels.

"I'm telling you right now, girls, if I don't go to this party I'll actually go insane. I need to drink and that's the only place I know where to get it."

"You sound like my mum," Emmeline frowned. "Look, genuinely Vi, is everything okay? Since you and Remus uh... You've been acting weird."

"What?" Violet laughed. "I've been acting fine because I am fine."

"The other day at the dining table I looked at you and I thought you were going to kill yourself. That's not acting fine."

"We're just... worried is all."

"Well, there's nothing to be worried about okay? Everything's... I've got everything under control."

—

Violet was sat on a bench outside the Ravenclaw dorms, swaying as she tried to steady her vision.

Music blasted every time someone opened the doors to get fresh air and it made the pain in her head get ten times worse. "Violet?"

She looked up at the voice that spoke to her, "Oh, James."

"Are you okay? Do you need any help-"

"No offence Potter but I don't really want any help from Remus' friend. It's just awkward, you know?"

"If Remus knew I saw you like this and didn't do anything he'd kill me, Violet. Let me walk with you to our common room, okay?"

"But-"

"I'll go tell Vance and Rosier that you're leaving, stay here."

Violet sat with her head spinning as she waited, and when James came back he passed her a bottle of water and linked arms with her as they walked.

"So, why'd you get so pissed?" He asked softly.

She looked up at him and sighed. "I can't tell you."

"Ah, so it's about Remus then." He nodded. "What happened?"

"Nothing new." Violet shook her head. "I just miss him."

"Then tell him. He misses you too, you know."

"I can't. If I go to him then he'll think I'm fine and we can start dating again, but truthfully, James, I think I'm worse than I was before."

"Well, maybe it's because you're not with him? Maybe getting back together will make you better."

"Look, James, that's fucked up on multiple levels. First of all, say I started speaking to him again to get better, but I don't get better. I'd have to call it off again and ruin it again, and potentially get worse. It would also give his hopes up completely."

"Second of all, same-ish scenario where I realise he can't make me better, yeah? What if I stay with him because I feel bad and I ruin him all over again? Third of all, I'm not going to rely on Remus to 'fix me' when he won't be here much longer."

James shook his head and hit his cheek. "Fucking hell, Violet. You're uh... Despite what you think about yourself, you're a really unselfish person. A good person."

"Good people don't... end things with dying kids," She laughed. "That's just cruel."

"Watson, you did so many things that a 'cruel' person wouldn't have the guts to do. Think as many things about yourself as you want but if there's one thing you are it's good."

Hearing something like this from James made Violet realise many things about herself, as he was the most honest person she knew.

She blinked back tears she didn't even know were there. "Sometimes I... when I look in the mirror I see myself as this huge monster." Violet scrunched her nose. "And whenever I do something bad I grow smaller. So not only am I disgusting but I'm... pathetic too."

She looked at James for a moment then back at the cobblestone floor. "I've seen myself like that since I was a kid. I guess that... I've not been able to see myself any other way."

"You're not a monster." James shook his head. "And you're not disgusting or pathetic either... I've known you since 1st year, Vi and you're basically a sister to me so..."

"You are not the way you see yourself."

She looked at the water in her hand and took a sip. "I don't know about that, to be honest."

"Just this once, take my word for it."

—