We've been driving for a while, and the entire time we've been quiet, the only reason why I haven't said anything is because I know the road he's on, I've seen this road so many times but I've been scared to actually confirm if that's where we were going. He's been looking forward the entire time and not once did he look my way, my stomach is in knots and my palms are sweaty.
When he takes the final turn it is confirmed that I was right, we are at the graveyard. He finally parks the car and we absorb the silence, my eyes feel teary, I look up to avoid them from falling.
"I've never visited his grave... Ever."he says " There's-I don't even know how to behave" I look at him finally and take a deep breathe.
"I-I'm sorry" he looks into my eyes "You have no idea for how long I've been wanting to say that to you, I am so sorry Michale, if it weren't for me he would be here, maybe if I had listened to you and stayed home and waited for you to-to-to come home he'd still be here" the tears begin to flow "That day-"
"Please don't" he says looking to the side.
"No please allow me to talk about it we need to talk about it, please" I beg him "That day when I saw him stand in the middle of the road, I felt my heart drop, it stopped beating and all I could think of was getting him off that road but before I could take a step forward-he-it came out from nowhere"
"I felt defeated, I thought maybe it's in my head because there was no way that had just happened, I froze. I froze and-because it didn't make sense, it happened so fast it had to be-"
"I-I held his small body in my arms, I refused to believe it, and not to mention how I barely remember how I gave birth to Ira, it's such a blur"
"I should have been the one-"
"Don't finish that sentence" he interrupts me "I blamed myself too, for the longest time, maybe if I hadn't called, you wouldn't have been distracted" I shake my head "Yeah, I loathed my existence and-I-I never allowed myself to mourn him" he gives a small smile, one full of pain.
"You might not know this, but, I was there" I look at him confused "At the burial, I was there, I couldn't bring myself to sit in front and witness his small-" he pauses "small body go down, I was in denial, I was also a coward"
"I couldn't bring myself to comfort you and tell you that everything is going to be fine, I couldn't bring myself to look you in the eyes and witness how broken you were, it was hard for me to be there for you and reassure you of a better future when I couldn't see it or believe it myself" he finally looks at me and I see the fear in his eyes, he was scared. "I couldn't look you in the eye and lie to you, you did everything on your own and for the last five years every time I saw you, you looked like you were doing fine on your own, you practically raised Ira on your own, I cannot imagine how that must have been, after losing a child and having to find your feet again while I was mopping myself away in God knows how many places, Ilana I'm so sorry I wasn't there, if only you knew how it eats me every single day, I should have been there for you, holding your hand and going through this together and I want you to know that I never blamed you for his death, I know you loved him and it was never your fault"
"All these years I blamed myself for everything, I thought you despised me and hated the sight of me, I blamed myself for you distancing yourself from us, I didn't know how to fix it because you never allowed me to explain not that there was any explanation I could have given but I still genuinely needed you to hold me in your arms and just let us be there for each other, go through the mourning process together and go through the difficulties of raising another by being a team, I needed that" nothing could stop the tears running down like a fountain from falling because finally I was letting it all out, after so long I finally get to vent it all out to the person that caused me more pain then the pain I felt after losing Mikey, because it's only now that I realise that not only was I hurt but I was mad.
"You know I've always wished for this moment, where we both go together to visit him along with Ira" we both looked at each other "I just want us to get along, find common ground because I don't have much time" I whisper the last part but he hears me and looks at me confused.
"What I'm trying to say is that we'll be separating from each other soon, and you'll finally be happy, if she makes you happy then I'll be happy too"
"I-I will be happy, thank you Ilana, I hope you find happiness too" we both look ahead and open the door at the same time and I lead the way to his grave, today it feels different, today I'm more aware that I'm here other times I feel so unalive or like a controlled machine being pushed forward that sometimes I don't realize that I've reached his resting place but today as we walk side to side I'm so aware of my surroundings.
Michale Junior Alexander Roberts
Mickey boy
Forever loved and missed
An angel sent above
27/09/17
"Here's our boy" I smile, I kneel down and trace the words on the tombstone with my fingers "still resting in peace" I feel someone kneel next to me but I don't look because I know who it is,
"Hi Mickey boy, it's Mommy and Daddy, we miss you so much, we love you immensely, I think I tell you that all the time, today I won't do too much of the talking?" I turn to look at Michale who just stares at his grave "It's okay take your time" I take his hand into mine.
"Hey buddy, it's Dad here, uhm-woah-uhm I have so much to say to you yet all of it has disappeared, I'm sorry I never visited you daddy was a coward, I miss playing catch with you and playing with the water guns, I miss you-your tiny laughs and your cheesy wide smile after beating me at hide and seek, I miss everything about-"his voice cuts short and he swallows hard, I wipe my tears and move closer to him and my place my head on his shoulder and we just sit in silence for a few minutes. Eventually we stand up and walk to the car in silence
Hand in hand, because today we were parents of a child we lost.
__________(diverselyunique)___________
What an emotional chapter, I hope you got more insight on everything they've been through and maybe some of you might start to understand the kind of person Michale is and why he is the way he is.
Anyways I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did don't forget to
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Yours truly
-Diverselyunique
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