I Forgive You

Chapter Six

At this point it kinda all started getting away from me fr I dunno how many times I added to the chapter count but honestly those two just developed a life of their own and I don't know how to stop them. I just wanna get to the happy part I swear but I guess we'll just have to let it all run its course...

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"Talk, then. I'm listening."

Aziraphale released a long breath he hadn't even known he'd been holding.

"Thank you", he said, hoping that his sincere relief would be reflected on his face. "What I was trying to say was that I..."

He took a second, ordering his thoughts.

"When the Metatron told me you had been Supreme Archangel", he began, "I finally understood. I think you were...extraordinarily brave to do what you did. And no, I do not view it as a failure, Crowley."

He smiled at the demon, even knowing that he wouldn't get much of a reaction in return.

"Being Supreme Archangel is...an impossible position to fill unless you're willing to follow orders without question", Aziraphale said, "I understand that now. I thought if I had that power, I could make a difference, but I was wrong. You knew that, because you tried. You tried to make a difference, to change things for the better when you started asking questions. And instead of listening, they simply cast you aside."

He could feel anger bubbling up inside him, his jaw clenching with the unfairness of it all, but Crowley didn't need Aziraphale's rage over Heaven's treatment of him right now - what he needed was to understand that Aziraphale never intended to treat him the same way again.

"I see now that there is no real power in Heaven", he went on, "only the semblance of power. They make you feel powerful as long as you do what they want you to. But there is no tolerance for deviation, no room for betterment, they just..."

He sighed, weighed down by the sad reality that his misplaced hope in Heaven had been nothing but a pretty picture he painted himself.

"They just do what they think The Plan commands them to, being good does not mean trying to do the good thing, it just means being obedient, but God hasn't spoken to anyone in hundreds of years!" Aziraphale looked around helplessly. "She is certainly not the one giving orders, so who even knows if it actually is Her will at this point, it's..." Aziraphale sighed, a sound of resignation. "I thought I could make it better, but I can't. I was just...hoping I could..."

Aziraphale hung his head, pressing his eyes closed for a moment.

It hurt, saying out loud what he knew to be true, had known to be true for a while now, but was unable to acknowledge. He had been clinging onto this hope too desperately, wanting it to be true so badly, because what was Heaven if not a space of goodness, what were angels if not the bringers of light, who was he when all he'd ever believed about himself and his people fell apart?

"Angel-"

Aziraphale's head snapped up, his heart jumping in his chest and mouth opening on a silent exhale as the familiar name swept over him, gentle and soft as it had been spoken.

The relief he felt that Crowley could still say it like that was so immense he felt tears gathering in his eyes.

"Am I?" Aziraphale released a sad, watery laugh. "Do I deserve that name? Do any of us? Aren't angels supposed to know what's right, to do the right thing?"

He swallowed hard, shrugging his shoulders in a display of helplessness.

"I have never known what to do", he admitted, to Crowley as much as himself. "For the longest time, I believed I did, but looking back, there is so much regret, Crowley. I-I..."