Summer Haze, Conrad Fisher

Letting Go

I couldn't sleep, I mean how could anyone sleep after finding out about someone you love dearly has cancer.
I laid in bed looking up at my ceiling, I couldn't stay in this room any longer. I decided to go to the beach, maybe watch the sunrise.
As I walked to the beach I thought about this whole summer, and how I was consumed with Conrad. He was all I thought about, I was selfish this summer. I should of been thinking about Susannah and my mom. But it's to late now, and all I can do now is make sure I do only think about them. When I go to school I will visit Susannah and Jeremiah as often as possible.
I got to the beach and sat down, I looked out into the ocean and soaked it all in. I didn't know what the future looked liked especially when it came to this place. I sat there for about an hour before I heard someone coming. I turned my head and I couldn't make out who it was at first, than I realized it was Conrad. He walked over to me and sat down, we didn't say anything to each other at first. I didn't really know what to say.
"Why does this feel like it's the last time we will be on this beach together?" Conrad asks.
"I don't know, maybe cause it might be" I look over at him and see a single tear rolling down his cheek.
"I love you Lucy"
"Conrad don't"
"Why? Cause you think I'm only saying it cause my mom has cancer and I'm sad?"
"No Con it's cause you also love Belly"
"Lucy-"
"Conrad it's ok. Really. I was hurt at first when I realized, but now it's ok."
"But I do love you"
"I know and I love you too. But I'm not going to be with someone who is also in love with someone else"
"I'm sorry"
"It's ok, I'll be ok. You should be with her cause I think she loves you too"
"Lucy I'm not going to do that to you"
"Conrad it's ok. I'm serious, I want to see you happy. I mean isn't that what real love is"
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Real love, it's being ok with letting the one you love go if that means they will be happy" I look at him, and he looks at me. He doesn't respond.
We go silent again until he breaks it.
"Won't it hurt you to see us together?Like next summer?" He asks
"I think I'm going to apply to a study abroad in LA next summer, Emerson offers it."
"Oh"
"Ya oh"
Silence falls over us again, we sit there both looking out into the water.
I than look over at him one last time. That was it, the dream of Conrad was gone. What confused me about it all is that it didn't hurt, in a way I felt at peace.
I got up without saying anything and went back to the house. I walked back up to my room and fell asleep at last.
I still was in love with Conrad, but part of me I think was ready to set go. It was time to move on.