Underage, A Dan Smith Love Story

Chapter Twenty Five

Chapter Twenty Five: Suicide Watch

"Ugh! Dan! I'm fine!" I yelled. I was laying in his bed, in his house. It's been just over a week since I was discharged from the hospital. He's been trying to get me to talk about my attempt. But, I'm fine.
"You're not fine. The doctor said you can't leave for tour until you talk about it," Dan replied. I grumbled.
"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled.
"Why not?" Dan urged.
"Please stop. I just-."
"Arabella! I almost lost you. You tried to kill yourself! You can't just not talk about it," Dan interrupted.
"I'm aloud to be in pain Daniel. I lost a baby, I'm under so much pressure and stress, I can't function, it was my only escape!" I explained.
"Death isn't an escape. An escape is something you can come back from," Dan argued.
"An escape is avoiding or eluding something dangerous, undesirable, or unpleasant," I shouted. Dan looked shocked. "Is that enough of an explanation for you?" I asked. Nala interrupted our argument by jumping on the bed and comforting me.
"Your life, Arabella, it's not dangerous or undesirable," Dan said. He grabbed my hand.
"But to me it's unpleasant," I replied.

It had been a few days since I last bathed. Dan began to run me a bath while I continued to lay in bed with Nala. I had been texting Kyle about going out for coffee later, and he thought it was an excellent idea. Dan called for me so I went into the bathroom. He stood up and said,
"I'll go get you a towel while you undress." I gave him a faint smile and watched as the flowery bath scents floated about the water. I removed Dan's sweatshirt, took off my shorts, removed my undergarments, and then stepped into the warm water. Dan came back in and helped me sit upright. He began brushing out my tangled, greasy hair, and then helped me lay back down to get my hair wet. He sat me back up and began lathering my hair in a flowery scented shampoo. He then laid me back down and washed all the shampoo out. I looked up at his blue eyes.
"Thank you," I whispered as I sat upright. Dan's phone went off from the bedroom.
"I'll be right back," he said. As he was about to leave the room I stopped him by saying,
"I love you."
"I love you too," he replied with a fake smile. My being here was killing him, and it wouldn't hurt if he'd just shave, he hasn't in days.

Having the mind in which I do, after thinking Dan didn't need me, I thought of how much of a bother I was. And not just to Dan, but to my fans, my label people, my family. I didn't even realize I was doing it until my head was underwater and I let out all the air in my lungs, I was trying to kill myself again. Dan had finished his phone call and came into the bathroom. He didn't see me, but he could hear the bubbles, and the sloshing water as I tried forcing myself to stay under the water. Dan ran over the bathtub, reached into the water, grabbed me by the shoulders, and pulled me to him. I began coughing out water and gasping for air.
"I won't yell," Dan began. "But you need help Arabella," he finished. I was crying and nodding. Dan helped me stand up, dry off, get dressed, and then go out to his car.

I didn't know where he was taking me, I assumed to my dads house. But once he parked, I looked up, and we were back at the hospital.
"Dan, this isn't-."
"Stop, Arabella, just stop. One time was enough for me, okay? You were dead, you died. Why do you think I can take you dying? You can't die Arabella, I need you. I'm a musician, I'm leaving for tour and for shows. I can't constantly be looking over my shoulder to make sure you're alive. So while I leave and go do your shows, you're going to stay in the hospital, where you're going to get better, where you're going to stay alive. I can't fucking lose you. You're my forever, you're my person, you're the one person I've loved so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I need you. Why can't you see that?" Dan asked.
"You're doing my shows?" I asked. Dan looked down.
"We were just going to go do the first few, but you're not getting better. I'm going to suggest it become a Bastille tour," he replied.
"My career is ruined," I mumbled. Dan sighed, because he knew how true it was.

Dan left almost as soon as he dropped me off. I was taken to the psychiatric floor, given a room, and then got acquainted with nurses and such. A nurse gave me grey sweatpants and a white sweatshirt without a hood. They put everything I had with me into a storage bin, and took it away. They even took my UGG boots, and replaced them with white flip flops. I sat on my bed with my legs crisscrossed as a nurse read me my schedule, and the rules. Then it was visiting hour and I was escorted to a recreational room, where Kyle sat at a two person table. I took my seat in front of him.
"They told me you weren't supposed to have visitors, so I told them I never got to say goodbye. It also helped that one of the nurses is a Bastille fan," Kyle teased. I laughed. And then the mood got serious.
"Why are you here?" he asked.
"I tried to drown myself in the bathtub this morning," I replied. Kyle frowned, and lost eye contact.
"Why?" he asked. I sighed.
"I can't handle this voice in my head Kyle. It's telling me everything I don't want to hear. I didn't even know I was drowning myself until after Dan pulled me from the water," I cried. Kyle leaned over the table and wiped my tears away with his thumbs.
"You'll get better, you have to," he said. I looked down.
"Arabella, please," Kyle begged. A nurse approached us.
"I'm sorry Mr Simmons, I must ask you to leave now," she said. Kyle nodded. We both stood up and were about to hug when the nurse stopped us.
"No touching," she said.
"What? Why?" Kyle asked.
"Here you have to earn touching your guests. It sounds weird but it helps patients get better sooner," she explained.
"I want to hug my friend," I said.
"I'm very sorry Ms Shea," she replied. I leaned in to hug Kyle again, which caused the nurse to call over orderly's, and they pried me out of Kyle's arms.
"Kyle! Kyle, don't leave!" I screamed as the orderly's began taking me away. "Kyle! Someone help! Kyle please!" I yelled. Kyle looked at me with a helpless expression, his eyes filled with tears. "Let go of me!" I screamed as loudly as I could. "I love you Kyle!" I yelled as the orderly's rounded the corner, walked down a few doors, and threw me into my room. I heard the click of the lock, and began pounding on the door. "Let me out! I don't belong here," I screamed. I collapsed to the ground, pulled my legs to my chest, and began to cry.