FRIENDLY FIRE: A 9-1-1 fanfiction

Part Forty-Six: House of Memories

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EMMA

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Paul let out a shuddering breath but I could see him smiling quaintly, "An' Luca didn't disappear?"

He didn't. How could he? How dare he?

A pang of anguish rushed through me, "No, course not. He's happy."

Happy enough to stay. Happy enough to realise the world didn't revolve around him and his pain.

"What about you, Sarge?" Paul looked back at me, tears flowing freely down his face, his nails leaving half moon cuts in my hand, "Are you happy too?"

No! I wasn't! Back then, I wasn't! Because of him!

I swallowed pain and my tears and my rage and my fear. I put it all in one, God damned bottle and sealed off the top. "Yeah, Paul... I'm happy too."

"Em! Em, wait!" Luca tried to dodge my hands as I lunged at him, aiming to use my nails and scratch his eyes out. To try claw off his skin. Anything to inflict an ounce of the pain he'd given me.

"Four years!" I shrieked, "I waited for you for four years!"

"Listen to me!" He tried to back away further, "I want to explain!"

Dear Emma,

I know you won't be able to read this letter right now and I hope you'll be in a better state of mind when you finally do get the chance to, but I need to tell you something.

I know you need me right now and I'm sorry to do this but I can't stay here.

I can't be around all this pain. I thought I could do it; I thought I could handle supporting you through your injuries. I was ready to support you through all of this but then, I found out about the baby.

You'll know by now that you miscarried. I don't blame you, I know it wasn't your fault. You just wanted to help people, you didn't know the building would come down on top of you. I just wish you had thought about it a little more.

You'll be fine without me though, I'm sure of it. You've always been stronger than me. You'll get through this just fine. Paul will help you out. Harry will too. Hollis might even come sit with you for a while. Just make sure to ask for their help.

Please don't wait for me to come back, I don't know if I will. I need to rediscover myself after this. I need to find who I am again, away from the marines, away from this unit.

Yours, Luca Parelli.

And me. And me. Away from me too. As far away from me as he could get.

"You left me!" I screamed, backing him into the door and shoving his shoulder, "I waited for you for four years! Paul waited for you until the second he died for you to come back and you never did!"

"I know!" Luca roared back, dodging my hands again, "I'm trying to apologise!"

"I don't want you to apologise!" I snapped, shoving him one last time before taking a few quick steps back, "I want you to hurt! I want you to suffer! I want you to feel what I felt! I want you to feel what Paul felt!"

"I do!" Luca argued, trying to push off the door, "I already feel all of that! I feel terrible!"

"Feel worse!" I screamed, running at him again, tears freely flowing down my face, "I hope you choke on your guilt!"

"Emma!" Luca blanched, trying to grab at my arms as I dug my nails into his arms. "You're being irrational! I just want to talk!" He managed to grab my arms, shoving me off his harshly.