happier

decisions

Cola dreaded this week. It was the week of her mother's death anniversary. She didn't have many memories of her, but something she and her siblings did was that they would alternate visits throughout the week. Each sibling would go on a separate day to pay their respects. Today was her day. She wasn't ready. It wasn't that she didn't want to. It's just she always felt vulnerable when going. She didn't like that feeling.

She had been holding off for a while, but when her dad passed by her room and told her she should get going, she let out a shaky breath, getting her stuff ready. She heard the doorbell from downstairs and didn't bother to get it. She heard her sister call her and she groaned, grabbing her small bag and walking downstairs. She sees Pacey at the door and she feels more relaxed, but still tense.

"I kinda gotta go somewhere, so if you're thinking about hanging out, the answer's only for a little bit." She says, walking to the kitchen to prepare herself something small before she left. He walks in behind her and closes the door, his hands in his pockets.

"I don't really wanna be home right now." He says and Cola's gaze softens as she turns around from the milk she was pouring into her cereal.

"He's acting up again? I guess I can make you some cereal," She makes him the cereal and the two sit at the dinner table. She looks up at him, seeing that he's really silent. "I don't like you being silent, Pacey. What's going on in that handsome head of yours?" He has a small smile on his face when he looks at her.

"I need to ask you something and you have to be completely honest with me. When was it that I was designated the town loser? I mean, I know I've done some stupid things in my life, but what exactly was it that pushed me over the edge to being a walking, talking embarrassment to my perfect family." She had a sympathetic look on her face. She felt horrible that he felt this way. To her, he was this perfect being and didn't deserve any of this.

"You're not an embarrassment to your family, pacemaker."

"According to Deputy Doug, I am." She rolls her eyes at his harsh brother.

"Well, at least you don't have to visit your dead mother. That's why I can't hang out much today." His eyes soften with realisation. He had completely forgotten what this week was.

"Oh my God, Cola. I forgot. How are you doing?" She shakes her head and sighs, looking down at her cereal. "Sometimes our families can be weird creatures," She nods, but doesn't say anything. "Remember when we were 8 and you and your dad would always come to my pee-wee baseball games?" She nods, a soft smile coming to her face as she remembers. "Well there was this one time where we had a huge game at the end of the season. It was two outs, bottom of the ninth, I was up to bat, and I striked out. When I got home that day, my dad just proceeded to ream me and tell me what a loser I am, what a disgrace I am to the whole family and town for losing the game. The next morning, I go down to breakfast and I overhear my dad relaying the events of the game to my brother. I heard him say to him, 'At least I have you,'" Cola lets out a scoff and Pacey lets out a sad chuckle. "I've never told anyone that story. But I frequently wish I had never heard him say that."

"Maybe you should talk to your father. Tell him that he hurt you." She said, her face never faltering from seriousness. He looks at her, thoughtfully.

"When you found out your mom had died, did you get mad at her? Did you tell her she hurt you as well because she left?" A lightbulb turns on in her head as she quickly puts her bowl in the sink and grabs her bag.

"No, but I'm going to. I'm gonna go see her now." She said, putting on her sweater.

"How are you gonna get there, Colie? Buses don't run this late."

"Can you help me? Can you drive me there? I know you need a break from your house and I already promised my dad that I would go tonight." He nods and the two leave, driving to the cemetery.

—

When they got there, Cola had flowers that they had stopped to pick up. He asked if she needed him there and she shook her head, bringing the flowers. She walked, feeling the cool breeze guide her towards the gravestone. She spots it, seeing the flowers already there. She places hers next to a beautiful white flower. They looked like lilies. She sits down criss-crossed in front of it, letting out a sigh.

"I've been fighting to come here all day. It's hard for me to sit here and talk to you, knowing you won't talk back," She looks down at her fingers and clears her throat. "Look, I just wanted to tell you something. I wanted to say that we both equally messed up. We really messed up. Not because you left me without a mother. But, because you don't know me. You never got to know me when you were still here. I was your daughter, and you didn't know me. I have no memories of you. Dad and the twins don't like sharing them because they get sad. I'm sure Logan takes it harder, he's the youngest and you died the year after he was born," She rambles, but then she stops herself. "I guess all I want to say is that I turned out pretty okay. Do I have struggles now and then? Of course, but I get through them. No help from you," She then lets out staggered breaths, letting out a few sobs. "I-i wish I knew if you loved me. If you ever loved me. Dad's always reassuring us and saying that you did. But, I wish I could hear it from you. I wonder if up in heaven you think about me. Think about us. About Keira, Sadie, Logan, Dad," She's now fully crying, the tears streaming down her face. "However, I just wish you could say you love me. I'm 15 and I go through life thinking that no one loves me. If you were to tell it to me, I'd think everything was okay and maybe I am loved. I wish you could be here to talk to me about boys, because I don't know what to do. I got with a 20 year old for God's sakes. I think I'm fighting feelings for my best friend and I don't know what to do about it," She then gets up, not wanting to cry anymore. "Throughout all of this I've realised how much I love you. Even if I never knew you. I love you, Momma. So much." She then kisses the grave and retreats to her safe haven. Pacey Witter.

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THAT'S THE END OF PART 1 OF HAPPIER !!

i'll probably be posting a part 2 cast list by today, but i don't know when i'll be posting the first chapter.

thank you for the support that this story has gone and i love you all sm!