Sorry, I Don't Date Singers.

Must Get Out

"Miss Adami, can I get you anything?"

I looked up from where I was leaning my head on the plane window that was wet with the rain we were flying above. My neck was stiff from being in the same position, eyes wet with tears that never seemed to cease, my heart numb to everything around me.

"No. Thank you, Jay." I mumbled to the flight assistant on my small private jet.

He made his way back to the front section of the jet, shutting the door to the small private room I sat in. I put my headphones back in as I shuffled the pillow under me to attempt a more comfortable position. I bit my lip as the guitar strums of a Maroon 5 song came on through shuffle, making the tear in my heart rip open that much more.

I choked back a sob, hitting the skip button as I tried to escapes Adam's sweet vocal cords. It had been over six months since I walked out the door that day, six long grueling months that I had been dealing with this pain. The aching of losing the two men that I love.

One to the cruelty of the hands of time, the other to my own fears and want of his happiness. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss a single thing about either one of them. I never opened a magazine or watched tv in fear of seeing Adam. I didn't dare touch my phone's gallery, or open up old messages out of the terrifying thought I would see Justin's face that I never was even allowed a proper goodbye too.

I gripped the letter that was all I had left of him tightly in my hand. I must have read it a thousand times, tracing each detail of his lettering on the hand written note. He explained everything, all of his actions, his reasoning, how much he loved me. He told me how he couldn't stand the thought of me watching him die, how he never wanted my last memories of him to be of him sick in a hospital bed. He wanted nothing more than to have me there with him, to take all the time he could get out of me. He couldn't do that to me though, he couldn't prolong my pain like that. He said it would just make it that much harder for me.

The ending is what stuck with me, though. How selfless he was, even when he was at his worst. And I hate him for it, I hate him for being understanding and for putting me above his own feelings. All it did was make me miss him more, make this pain of him being gone so much worse.

Justin spoke of only wanting my happiness, no matter who that may be with. He wrote of seeing how I looked at Adam, how he saw the smile that he placed on my lips. The fact that he was okay if I wanted to love Adam when I was ready, or any other man for that matter. How I deserved nothing but the best. It was too painful to read the first few times I attempted to.

When I finally did read it though, it broke my heart all over again. Did he think I loved Adam the whole time? No, he wouldn't have stayed with me then, he knew I loved him. That a part of me would always love him. It was just that we weren't meant to be, he just wasn't the one I was made to spend my life with. The reality of that realization was painful.

In these past six months I had been putting everything I had into modeling. I gathered all my pain and anguish and turned it into passion. I took all the heartache and made it into the drive I used to have for the thing I had always loved to do. To model with a message, to let everyone know anyone can do it. That you don't have to be born into fame to be successful, you can come from nothing and have everything. You just have to work for it.

I looked back at my laptop to put it on airplane mode, waking it up from sleep mode. Another tear slipped down my cheek at the picture that took its place on the home screen. It was Vince and I. The picture was about two years old and it was one of my favorites. We had taken a mini vacation to the beaches close to home in Italy. We were dressed in beach attire, both of us wearing a dark pair of matching Ray-Bans that I got him for his birthday earlier that year. We were in front of the beautiful true blue water, a light breeze had made my hair wisp around both our faces in our close proximity. I was on his back with my hands around his neck, resting my head on his shoulder as he supported me by holding my thighs. Our faces held matching smiles as the sun illuminated us that July.