Element [The Darkling]

Chapter Eleven

I retreated to the fountain the next morning, hoping to dive deeper into my pain and take the next steps towards unlocking my power... and myself, essentially.

I stood at the fountain and stared down into the water, allowing myself to wallow in my misery for the first time in a long time.

For the first time in years, I let myself truly remember her.

I remembered the way she laughed, and the way she cried. The crinkle that would appear between her eyebrows when she scolded me. I remembered how her hazel eyes seemed to shine when she was happy, and how they almost glowed when she was telling me something serious.

I remembered the way her brown hair used to dance in the breeze she manipulated, and how the heat of the fire she toyed with was nothing compared to the warmth of her embrace.

I remembered the way it felt to be loved by her.

Because the moments of her actual death didn't hurt nearly as much as the memory of her when she was alive. And the idea that she wouldn't be there after.

She never met Alina or Mal. She never got to see the power I'd gained, or the way I protected my people with the same ferocity she hoped I'd carry.

She'd never get to give me advice on what to do with my growing... complicated feelings for Aleksander.

There was a hole in the world where she used to be. And that hole was cold, and dark. Darker than the Fold itself. Dark as death.

I missed her so much. I'd had only twelve years with her, but I remembered everything about our time together, and I held onto those memories like a lifeline.

I sniffled, tears falling down my face as I put my hands over my eyes. It hurt so much to think about her being disappointed in me.

I'd come to the realization yesterday that the death grip I had on the memory of her was what was holding me back. I couldn't grow because I was stuck in the past. I was still in that little cottage. Still with her.

And, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't let go of her.

I couldn't even begin to consider the first steps it would take to let go of her. She was everything I was. Everything I'd tried to be.

I felt a pain in my chest, and put a hand over my heart, my cries becoming broken as I started to hyperventilate, struggling to breathe.

My sobs faltered as I began to cough.

I couldn't breathe.

My vision started to blur and I coughed, feeling something wet come up my throat and out of my mouth, coating the inside of my mouth. It dripped down my chin as I coughed out the substance, and realized what it was.

Blood.

I was coughing up blood.

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