Night Shift [h.s]

nineteen

☁️ ALANNAH ☁️

It had only been a matter of days since I found out about the little life inside of me. It had been three days and within that time, I had hardly been able to distract myself enough to actually block it all out. It was on my mind every second of every day and despite how much I just wanted to forget about it for a few hours and resume my usual life, unfortunately, this wasn't something I could just forget about. This wasn't something I could just kick under the carpet like I first initially thought.

I had had the shift after I found out, off. And whilst that was probably what was best for me, to have time to actually think this through and to be able to process this, I think it just made it all ten times worse.

I couldn't sleep, of course I couldn't. I was alone throughout the day and maybe that's what was eating me alive. I was being left to my own devices and that was not something that was good for me. Instead of actually sleeping, I just sat on the sofa, staring into space whilst all I thought about was this innocent life that had been picked to come into our lives. It had been chosen to come to our family. To be loved by us.

I just couldn't stop thinking about what the fuck I was supposed to do and how I was supposed to make this work for the three of us. I didn't have the money and it was as simple as that. I couldn't magic up more money to make this work. I couldn't give us a bigger flat and luxuries to share. I was doing as much as I could and already I had failed this child.

It would be an understatement to say that my new news was getting me down. There was nothing that was distracting me enough to completely allow my mind to rest. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, every little thought was making me empty my stomach contents into the toilet, though perhaps that was more of a symptom of being pregnant rather than my messy mind.

Harmony was even starting to notice that something was wrong, yet again. I had promised her that with this new job I'd get more money and I'd be able to do more with her. I told her that it'd be better for the both of us. I told her it'd give us more opportunities and a fresh start, I told her that this is what we both needed.

This job had caused more harm than good so far.

I felt as though I had failed her in about a million different ways, all in a matter of about five weeks. I hadn't been there for her like I should've been. I haven't been able to give her my full attention because my mind is off somewhere else and I've got so many other things occupying my thoughts that Harmony barely gets a look in.

She was completely oblivious to the fact that she'd be getting a baby sibling in around eight months or whatever. I didn't stick around long enough to figure out how many weeks pregnant I was, and right now, I don't think I actually wanted to find out. I didn't need to have the days counting down like some ticking time bomb, and so I was just guessing that I had about eight months left to go. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't that far gone.