Painful Love

Dear Reader

I miss him. I found comfort in my pain and sadness, it's hard to let go of it. He hurt me, he hurt me, he hurt me. He's hurting me. He will hurt me more. Caleb used me and he took advantage of me and he raped me and he abused me; but I miss him. I miss his hits, his kicks, my pain, his yells. He made me sleep outside, he starved me, he threw me down the stairs, he left me scarred. I miss him. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, miss him...

I still love him. He loved me in his own way. It was my fault, I always messed up, he was just doing his job. Like my father. I miss my dad. I miss my first boyfriend and my dad, because they were there most of my life and they loved me, but they hated me, but they loved me too. I was the wrong person in their life. They should have gotten someone better. Someone better. Someone who wasn't me. I ruined their lives, they ruined mine because I ruined theirs, so it's all my fault.

I want my dad, I want my mom. I don't even know where my mom is, if she's even alive. I want what Magnus has. I want my parents. I shouldn't have followed Magnus the day we met. I will ruin his life, I'll ruin his whole life and his friends' lives. I don't deserve this. I belong somewhere else. I don't belong here. I belong somewhere else. Somewhere I'm hurt, somewhere I'm in pain, somewhere I'm no longer a person.

I knew my purpose with Caleb and with my father. Help them with their issues, they were dealing with their own things and they took it out on me. That was my purpose. Help them. I was helpful. I was useful. I was someone that was somehow needed. But I left my dad and I killed my boyfriend. I left him and I killed him. I'm always running away from things. I should be in prison, a prisoner, guilty of my crimes...

Magnus has a criminal in his apartment. It can't be my apartment, I'm not doing anything to earn money nor pay for "our" home. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm useless, I'm not fulfilling any greater good than surviving every day. I'm a burden, a huge, needless thing that Magnus has to deal with. I deserved the pain. I deserved Caleb. Caleb was the right one for me. He was teaching me how to behave, how to be purposeful. Now he's dead because of me. I ended his life. His parents should have won the trial.

I should simply leave Magnus and never look back. This was something that shouldn't have been meant to happen. No, no, no. Magnus is a whole sun. I'm barely even a drop of rain. He was happy before me. I ruined his life. He's sad, he's worried, he's concerned, he's not okay, and it's all my fault, all my fault, my fault, my fault, always my fault.

Magnus should never have come into my life. I have to go back to Caleb. Caleb, who I loved and who I killed. Who hurt me but who loved me. Who raped and abused me for years. But he loved me. He loved me and he showed it. He gave me food if I was good, he gave me clothes and he let me stay in his apartment. He let me sleep with him and he cared, deep inside of him, he cared about me because he would have killed me if he hadn't. He wouldn't have let me stay with him, date him, for those years, if he hadn't loved me.

I want Caleb back. I need him back. I'm hurting myself for him. I can't eat. He wouldn't have allowed me, had he been alive. I'm bad, a really bad, horrible person. I deserved his lessons and my father's lessons too. They were just trying to teach me how life treats people like me. Stupid, slow, useless people. Never charming like Magnus, or intelligent like Catarina, or sarcastic like Raphael, or elegant like Ragnor. Never good. Never even good enough for anything. I just miss feeling needed. Magnus doesn't need me. Nobody needs me now. Caleb and my father could have used someone else to let out their frustrations out on, but they chose me and if they chose me it must have been because they needed me, so they loved me.

Who loves me now?

Alec stared down at the paper with his hand holding the pen slightly shaking. Who loved him now? Did anyone even care about him? He wasn't useful, so why would he be loved by someone?