Painful Love

Peace

"Now clean it the fuck up!"

"Beg for it."

"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

"Are you fucking crying again?!"

"Go get the damn broom and clean up the fucking mess you made."

"Did you just hurt yourself? Are you seriously that mentally fucked?!"

"ALEC, IF YOU DON'T COME BACK DOWN RIGHT NOW I'LL GIVE YOU TO THE NEIGHBOR UPSTAIRS! YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW FUCKING MUCH HE LIKES KIDS LIKE YOU!"

"Fucking pathetic, for God's sake, how did I end up with you."

"You know how much I wish you were dead? Should have smashed your head on the floor harder last night."

"Just go and kill yourself, I guess. Heh, I mean, Alec, what the fuck's going on in your head? It's not therapy, but fucking attention that you need, fuck's sake..."

Alec wrapped his arms around himself, as if that would help him get the voices out of his head. He sobbed, falling to his knees on the floor. He needed it to stop. His forearms and wrists itched, the urge to cut himself crashed through him hard.

He rocked himself, sobbing brokenly against his knees. He was not even trying to stay clean, but, still, every time he self-harmed it was like a piece of himself faded away. He didn't like it, however he couldn't help it. It was an addiction.

His wrists had been scarred for years. Ever since he had started to date Magnus, only a month ago, he had tried to stop hurting himself in places where his boyfriend could see. Today, though, Alec couldn't handle it anymore.

"Have you ever thought of just cutting a bit deeper? That would do the trick, wouldn't it?"

Yes, he had and yes, it would. Alec gripped his hair tightly and took deep fast breathes in. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't intend to hurt himself on such a permanent way. Or maybe he did, but he was just too scared to admit so.

Alec rocked himself faster, matching it to his breath rhythm. He unwrapped an arm and shakily opened the drawer next to him. He was in the bathroom, alone at home. He whimpered. He wished he could be brave enough to put an end to his life. He couldn't live like this.

He found his razor blade, stashed hidden in between his stuff, so that Magnus wouldn't find it. The amount of tears falling down his cheeks increased considerably when he felt the blade on the palm of his hand. He always somehow found both comfort and regret with the coldness of the blade.

He sobbed. He gripped the blade tightly, feeling blood trickle down his wrist coming from his palm. He couldn't even look up at his hand. He was so ashamed of himself, who he had become, who he was and who he would be for the rest of his life.

"I think, hic!, so many times a-... hic!, about h-how happy I would, hic!, be if it w-weren't for you..."

Robert had been right. Everyone would be way happier if it weren't for him. Caleb would have been as well. It was all his fault. He ruined people's lives just by existing. He was going to ruin Magnus' life. He was such a disappointment.

"I'm just joking, you're not that worthless. Stop seeking attention, though. It's fucking annoying and I don't exactly have time to waste on you and your stupid issues..."

Nobody did. Nobody had ever had time for him. He didn't give a fuck about himself either, which was why dragging the blade on his skin was easier than it would have been, had he slightly cared about himself.